Life is kind of hard sometimes. Well, a lot of times. Everyone is so different and everyone's lives are so different. I have a difficult time because I don't really know how my life fits into anyone else's.
The observation was made today that the people in fashion design aren't really "my kind of people." Which sounds harsh, but it's really pretty true. I didn't grow up knowing I wanted to be in fashion. I just kind of fell into it. I feel like if I had one more year of high school, I might have ended up somewhere completely different. Fashion design was just the last thing I decided before college applications went out.
I don't really think that's true, but sometimes I feel so out of place. I wanted to be a math major for a while, because I really enjoyed math. Now, I haven't had a single math class since senior year of high school, and it makes me feel dumb. I don't remember the stuff I learned, and I would probably fail miserably at math. Which makes me really sad, because I feel like a lot of people just assume I'm not intelligent because I'm in fashion design. There is a stereotypical fashion design major, and I am certainly not it.
On the other side of the coin, you have my CBH minor. I love CBH, but I also feel ill-prepared and stupid a lot of the time. I talk about how wonderful it is to combine CBH and fashion, but it really just ends up pulling me in two opposite directions and leaving me without a place I really "belong."
That sounds SO melodramatic, and it probably is. But I've spent so much time and energy on being "different" and "unique" and yada yada that I never got the chance to really figure out what I'm exceptionally good at, or where I really fit. This is where a lot of my life problems stem from. I'm involved all over the place, and I have friends from all of these different areas, but they don't ever really mesh well.
I feel like I'm on the outside of all of these groups looking in. I don't ever really feel like a true part of many things. This can include classes, activities, and a lot of times, friend groups. Since I'm not really a part of these different programs, I don't really feel a part of the groups of friends I've made in them. I think some of my friends can feel it too, and that makes me feel excluded a lot of the time. Hello melodrama again, but it really feels like I'm the odd man out a good portion of the time.
I still don't know where I really shine, or where I'm even going to end up in my life. I'm completely and utterly lost at the moment, and it scares the hell out of me.
I might just be severely lacking in sleep, but it's a place I've been for a while now. Really, for a good portion of this year. I know I still have a year of college left, but I'm so lost in so many aspects of my life, I don't know where to begin. That's why I lose it so quickly lately. I'm so stressed and frustrated, because I can't figure things out that I used to be sure of. I don't enjoy things I used to, and I don't feel like the same person anymore. And like I said, that scares the hell out of me.
I can't seem to get back on track, because I don't know what that track is. I've been on autopilot, just going through the motions, and I don't know where my passion went. I'm so consumed by work and school and extracurriculars that I haven't had a moment to think. And I won't have a moment anytime in the foreseeable future.
Just so you all know, I will most likely be back to happy Theresa tomorrow. I have stupid mood swings, and I tend to get inspired to blog when I'm down in the dumps. I'm super pumped about the Pie Lab stuff, I'm just so overwhelmed I can't seem to focus on that happiness.
I love you all, and I'm sorry I've been such a Debbie Downer. I'm trying to fix it. I just don't really know how.
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