Your journey never ends. Life has a way of changing things in incredible ways.

Plus size. Voluptuous. Curvy. Real woman. Fat. All of these terms have often been used interchangeably. And for most of my life, I have fallen into these categories. And I have never really pitied myself for it. Yes, school was rough a lot of the time. I was teased in most grades, and that hurt my self esteem for a long time. I couldn't wear what everyone else was wearing, so I was a terror to shop with. God bless my mother for putting up with that. At some point in high school, something changed in my brain, and I realized I couldn't let other people define who I was. My self confidence grew, and I realized there were stores where I could get clothing that actually fit me and was my style. Torrid and Lane Bryant became my heaven on earth. I could dress and feel like a teenager. Once I discovered my love of fashion design, I made it my mission to become the new fabulous plus size designer that was going to change the industry. I am plus size, so I know what we want. I know how it feels to need a prom dress, and to go to five different stores and only find a handful you can even try on. I know how it feels to have to shop in the women's section as a fifteen year old. And I know how much it hurts when other people make note of this, and think it's something they have the right to comment on.

I'm not really sure how I became fat. It started when I was younger, and just kind of snowballed from there, but I was NEVER a lazy kid. My brother, sister, and I were always outside playing, I played soccer for ten years, volleyball for five, and was as active as everyone else. I'm not going to give you some sob story of how I couldn't do what other kids could. I could. And I did. No, I never finished laps first. Yes, I cried when I couldn't wear the volleyball shorts everyone else could. But that didn't stop me from participating. And it really shouldn't. You should never let a perceived limitation make you afraid of participating. Sometimes the boys were jerks, but I never quit. You know what the biggest problem was? Ignorance.

I was a good volleyball player. I worked hard, and I kept up with everyone else. I trained like crazy, giving up two summers to go to conditioning. But my sophomore year, my coach pulled me aside and told me I was competing with a girl who was on a skill level much lower than mine for the last spot on the team. Without me asking why, she told me that I was too fat to play volleyball. Stunned, I left practice and called my mom, crying. I wasn't crying because I was fat; I was crying out of anger. How dare this woman tell me I was too fat to do something. I was keeping up perfectly fine with everyone, and I was definitely better than a lot of the girls on the team. After hanging up with my mom, I realized what I had to do. My mom told me one very important thing, "Don't let her see you cry." And that is true. You can't give bullies more fuel. So I marched myself back to my coach and I told her exactly how I felt. I said, "How DARE you tell me I am too fat to play volleyball. I have worked harder than half the people on this team, and you are going to lose one of your best players. I don't agree with your decision, and I have lost all respect for you." And then I turned myself around, and I left. Oh yes, I cried when I got outside. A lot. But I didn't let her see it, and I made sure she knew just how wrong she was.

This coach's disrespect and hurtful behavior came out of pure ignorance. Rather than nurture a culture of healthy living and hard work, she nurtured a destructive culture of competition and self destructive behavior. I found out later that she had told a friend of mine she was too skinny to play volleyball. If only the two of us could have combined, we would have been her perfect players.

This story might be superfluous, but it's meant to show you what I have dealt with for most of my life. People don't understand that just because I am larger than you doesn't mean that I am somehow less of a person. It means that I have had to work a lot harder to gain acceptance and to prove to people that I am not any less than them. I am not making excuses; my obesity (yes, I will use that word, because yes, that's what it is) is a result of my own actions. No one else made me fat. No one forced me to overeat, or be sedate when I should have been more active. It just happened.

But that's not the point of this blog post. I don't know how we got to story time, but the point of this post was to explain why I've made the decision to change my life for the better.

I have tried every diet in the book. Yes, I have self confidence, and I have proven to everyone that I am just as worthy of respect. But every girl wants to fit in. I just wanted life to be easier. It's tiring to be the plus size banner girl proving herself to everyone. Sometimes you want to swap clothes with friends, or not worry about whether or not you will fit into something. I got a personal trainer, I tried Weight Watchers, I did everything. Nothing worked. And I think it was because I wasn't doing it for myself. Yes, I was the one who wanted to fit in, and I wanted life to be easier, but I was doing it because I thought it would change other people's views of me. It was never about how I saw myself. Until now. Something snapped in me over Christmas Break. I had a lot of down moments, but I also had a lot of up moments. But at some point after Christmas, I suddenly realized that I had to make permanent changes.

I realized the reason nothing else worked is because I don't like people telling me what to do. I think it's because I have built my confidence up so much that I feel like, how dare you tell me what I should and shouldn't do. But I was never telling myself what to do. Now I am.

It's pretty simple, really. I no longer desire to overeat, I crave exercise, fruits, and vegetables. I gave away all of the bad food in my apartment and took the time to shop the right way. My idea started as calorie counting, but I realized that wasn't necessary. I shopped so successfully that nothing in my apartment is going to ruin my calorie count for the day. And because I'm so conscious of not overeating, I won't eat double or triple the portion size. I measure things out, then put the food away. And I am committed. Something is different this time. I'm not really sure what it is, but I feel like I am being led to make this difference in my life. I have felt a substantial connection to God over the past few months, and I think that is a great benefit for me. In addition to my weight, I have also always struggled with my faith. I didn't really grow up going to church regularly, and I have seen so much corruption in churches that I am extremely wary of religion. But I made the decision in high school that I was going to discover my God, and I was going to find out who He is. I have SUCH a long way to go, but the more I rely on Him, the more I realize how much He helps me every day. So I am excited for the life revolution I am attempting to undertake. I am removing the unhealthy things in my life, be it food, people, experiences, anything.

I'm not entirely sure why I decided to spill my heart out in a blog. I've never been comfortable discussing my weight with anyone. If I approached someone about it, I was okay, but if anyone dared to bring it up to me, I would flip. But I'm okay now. I feel like sharing this could help someone else. If it could help even one person, then it's worth it. I'm sorry I'm not offering these perfect solutions to weight loss. I'm offering the hope that a life change is possible. And it will revolutionize the way you live. Some of you will need a weight loss center, or a personal trainer, and that is just fine. Everyone is different, and everyone needs different motivations. But if you are looking to make a life change, please figure out what is at the center first. If you are not in the center, you will not be successful. Plain and simple. Be selfish in this. That is what you need. You have to do this for yourself and yourself alone.

So, friends, in my long winded fashion, I have bared part of my soul to you. I have made the public declaration that I am changing my life. I am committed to this, and I am committed to sharing my journey with you. I can't promise this will be super regular, because my life moves up down and all around. But I promise when I have good days, bad days, and in between days, I want you to be a part of it. If you want to talk about it, come to me. No, you can't come up to me in public and be like, 'So you don't want to be a fatty anymore!' because I am so not comfortable with that, and that is disrespectful to me. If you want to have a meaningful discussion about making the deeply personal decision to change your life, feel free. I am here, and I am changing for the better.