"Jack of all trades, master of none."

It is a huge shock when reality comes flying in from left field and punches you in the face. It gets worse when it doesn't just stop there; it continues to pummel you until you finally have to throw up your hands in defeat. Reality has proven its point; it is here to stay, and you had better face it like a man. (or woman. you know. whatever.)

I think we surround ourselves with college life and college experiences so much that we forget what is looming beyond these four years. We can't imagine what the "real world" is going to be like, or how we are going to deal with it. As a freshman, I had no idea what was in store for me. I poked a hole in the great wall between college life and "real" life the summer of my freshman year by doing an internship in NYC. That was when reality began its great pursuit of me. It realized I was an easy target; I was seeking it out, so it didn't have to look too hard to get me. Ever since then, that little pinhole I made has erupted into this terrible gaping wound, allowing reality to enter my college life as it pleases, bring destruction and pain wherever it goes.

Okay, so maybe I'm being a bit dramatic.

Let me tell you what is going on.

From day one of my college career, I've been...."special." That sounds terrible, doesn't it? Whatever. I'm the first ever fashion design major in Computer-Based Honors. That's a HUGE deal. CHES gets to tote me out and say, "Look! She's SMART!" and CBH gets to pull me out, dust me off, and say, "Look! We have all kinds of majors!" I, of course, get to put on my big girl shoes, stand up real tall, smile, and say, "Look at me! I'm DIFFERENT!" It has afforded me a lot of opportunities that I know I never would have had. But it has also pulled me in two VERY different directions.

That had never previously been an issue. I thrive on the diversity of my studies. (vomit, how cliche and scholarship essay-ish does that sound?) But it's true. I jumped around all over the place when it came to what I wanted to do with my life, so having the opportunity to get the academic side along with the creative side had me super excited. What was that saying though, "Jack of all trades, master of none"? And that is exactly how I feel at this moment.

I have been so busy for the past two and a half years being this academic anomaly at the University, toting around my crazy wide array of interests and projects, never truly digging deeply into any of them. I did Anthony's website, but everything was so crazy in getting there that I never learned HTML, CSS, XML, etc etc. I used Wix. I did Tee Time freshman year, which was all ohhh ahhh she's a freshman, but it was simple; it wasn't anything special. As you move on through my projects, you kind of see that everything I've done may have been impressive, but not one of them was that definitive, "Wow. We need to stop and seriously look at this girl." I feel like my experiences just skim the surface, I've never sunken in deeply enough in any of them.

What brought this on, you may ask? It is that cursed USA Today Academic All-American Team.

I was told last semester by Dr. Wimberley, Dr. Boschung, and others that I should apply for USA Today. Not knowing much about it, I said sure. Then I kind of forgot about it until a few days ago. I asked Mrs. Batson if it was too late, she called the woman in charge of it, and I got a meeting with her last night. I walked into this meeting completely unprepared, and without any real knowledge of what I was trying to do. I was there for all the wrong reasons; someone else told me I should, and rather than question why, I just did it. Big mistake.

As I sat there listening to another girl go on and on about her accomplishments, and as the woman in charge read of the list of requirements, and went into detail about all of the amazing people who had won it in previous years, I realized just how out of place I was. A HUGE component of the application is one outstanding endeavor that has in some way benefited society. As we went through my projects and experiences, I realized I didn't really have one. I couldn't say that my iphone app was amazing, because it was pretty basic, and I didn't even create the app itself. We used another and created flashcard decks. My research last semester may someday benefit HES, but for right now it's just a PowerPoint and Excel spreadsheet sitting on my hard drive. Sure, I've volunteered here and there, done fashion shows, internships, yada yada, but how is that benefiting society?

Are we going to get uber philosophical and say that improving myself and my experiences will someday help to benefit mankind? No, we aren't that full of ourselves, friends. I left that two hour meeting (Heaven help me, I almost exploded) having completely lost my sense of self. I was now the crazy girl walking back to the parking deck at 8:30 at night yelling on the phone to her mom (to, not at.) about how her life was falling apart. (Total drama queen, right?)

But that is how my life has been for the past few weeks. I alternate between rage over how absolutely useless HES310 is (It's a class about how to make a resume, find a job, etc etc. It's REQUIRED for me to graduate. I'VE DONE ALL OF THIS ALREADY. but anyway), stress over my overabundant extracurriculars, and a nervous wreck over the fact that draping is NOT coming as easily as I expected it to. And overall, my nerves are completely shot because I'm realizing that maybe my "super unique" different qualities and breadth of interests has prevented me from finding the depth required to be really truly successful in what I want to do.

I think we all know how much I love Macy's. It was an awesome internship, and I'm super excited about going back this summer. And as much as I love the prospect of a secure job with guaranteed pay, benefits, and regular work hours, I know that I cannot live that life for a great length of time. As I go through the daily soul search that seems to keep popping up, I realize what I want in life is to own my own company, and create everything myself. Sure, eventually I can bring in other people, but I don't want my designs created by some poor child in China making 18 cents a day just so you can have a shirt with Snooki on it that you will wear once before it gets a hole and you throw it in the landfill. (Sorry...fast fashion and I are NOT friends. Look into it; you're destroying us. Anyway.) I want to make clothing that has character. I want it to mean something. Maybe that is a lot to ask of a simple garment, but it's what I want from my life. (Remind me to give you my spiel about character soon. You'll love it.)

This realization has opened up a whole new can of worms. I don't feel at all prepared to tackle this sort of life goal. I only have one design class left after this, and I feel like I haven't even begun to discover all of the skills necessary to lead the life I want. I think everyone assumed I was smart and I could get it, so they kind of passed me along, not worrying if I didn't really get something. I must just be having an off day; I'm the smart one.

What I really need is for someone to stop and say hey, she needs help. Because even though I am always terrified to admit it, sometimes I really do. I have always gone into classes assuming I was supposed to be an expert before we even learned anything. It's a terrible mindset to have, and it always stresses me out. But I feel like it's what is expected of me. I have this huge reputation to uphold, and there are certain things my professors have come to expect from me. It's really hard for me to stop them and say you know, I really don't understand how we got there, can you please explain it again?

So I think I sit here now at a crossroads. (good grief, drama queen. get a reality show.) I am finally recognizing that I may have spread myself too thin, when I really should have been focusing on the areas that are going to help me succeed further on down the road. Yes, it's very nice that I am an officer in all of these clubs, and involved in this and that, but hasn't it hindered my ability to dedicate a great deal of time to designing and honing my construction skills? And aren't those two of the main aspects of my future career? Yes.

I have decided to finally demand the help I need. I am paying (well, sort of. love you, scholarships.) for a quality education, and I will NOT leave this school without the construction skills I feel I need to succeed. I have enough free hours my senior year that I WILL find someone to teach me what I want to learn. I will restructure my priorities and dive deep into what I need to know. That way, the next time the "real world" decides to pay me a visit, I will have proof of my progress, and maybe a good swift punch in the nose for it.

And, because this is sort of tradition by this point, let's end with a picture:

JUST KIDDING. WATCH THIS INSTEAD. OMG I CAN WATCH IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

“The folks you help won't remember it and the folks you hurt won't ever forget it.”

So let's discuss relationships, shall we? In my opinion, the relationships you develop with other people are what make life worth living. If you had to be secluded by yourself with no one to talk to, no one to share your life with, then what would be the point? It's lonely, it's sad, and it's just not worth it.

I think you can tell a lot about a person from their relationship with their family. If they are disrespectful to their parents, and treat their siblings like garbage, chances are real good that they need a big punch in the face. Your family will always be there, and you need to appreciate them and everything they offer. Siblings are like built in best friends. (P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATHY!!!! I LOVE YOU!!) They are there for you when you need them, and with them around, you should never feel lonely. I won't say sibling relationships are perfect. Often, they are far from it. But it is the experiences you have with them at an early age that shape a large part of who you are. My life has been influenced so much by my brother and sister. I always wanted to be like my sister, and I always looked up to my brother. They were and are my heroes. Heck, my first illustration collection was inspired by them. I used to play with Barbies with my sister, and I was/am enthralled with my brother's punk band. Your inspiration can come from the weirdest places, but without these relationships, that inspiration would have been lost.

I can also tell a lot about a person by how they treat their parents. When it comes to teenagers, they are almost always going to be awful people who don't appreciate their parents most of the time. But other times, they should love and respect the people who raised them. Without my parents, I would not be who I am today. I look up to both of them, and I am incredibly blessed to have them in my life. My mom is my best friend, my mom and dad are my heroes.

I will say that I got lucky. I didn't have a terribly difficult home life. For those of you that did, I can understand strained relationships. But for those whose families bend over backwards for them on a daily basis, there is no excuse for the disrespect you give them.

Considered an extension of your family are your friends. This list changes and grows as you grow up, but as you move through college, you realize the ones that will be in your life forever. These people are there for you no matter what, and are your family when you aren't with yours. You get to experience all new things together, and it makes college one of the most exciting times of your life. There will be ups and downs, but often these just open opportunities for new friends to enter your life. I had a horrible upset last year, but it led to an entire new facet of my life. Now I am grateful to have a wide array of friends. If we were all the same, what would be the point?

And of course, last but not least, we have the significant others category. I have zero luck in this department. It's a bit depressing. What's more depressing is when your brother and sister bring home their significant others at Christmas and you are stuck there to feel terribly awkward and horribly alone. That's not a great time. This has caused some sad nights for me, mostly when I'm feeling particularly alone and pathetic. Everyone keeps saying, oh you'll find him! And I'm just not entirely convinced.

Oh well. Can we please move on from the pity party? I hate pity parties. Let's share a SUPER awkward story. I am terribly tired and in overshare mode, so let's go for it. While home for Christmas, I was at my family's Christmas party along with Chris, Kathy, and their gf and bf respectively. I invited my best friend to come to the party. About halfway through the party I looked at her and went, I hope they don't think we're lesbians. And we both died. Then avoided being too close to each other the rest of the night. Yep. SUPER awkward. Now don't assume that's me being OMG GAY WEIRD. It's not. Some of my best friends are gay. We all know this. We all know that the gay boys and I are BFF. All I'm saying is I already have no luck in this department, so we REALLY don't need any confusion mixed in.

Anywho. Enough about that.

Today, I went to Greensboro with Clay, Heather, and Abby. It was amazing. We cleaned out an old hardware store. There was some awesome stuff in there. Then we hung out with some of the Americorps Vistas, then we went to Pie Lab. Omg pie lab, you were delicious. Of course, this brought up my whole life plan dilemma again, so that wasn't so much fun. Also, I got kind of sick, so that wasn't good. Not from Pie Lab. Pie Lab was awesome. You should go. It was from eating that chicken last night. I haven't eaten anything remotely greasy in at least a month or two, so it destroyed me and made me feel vomity all day. Isn't that lovely?

In closing, my relationship with greasy foods is hence forth on shaky terms, and shall remain that way for the foreseeable future.

Here are some fun Greensboro pictures!

Yay friends!

Before!

After! Yaaay!

"There is no delight in owning anything unshared."

I tend to be a terrible over sharer. Especially when I'm tired. I can go on and on about things that you really don't care about, really don't need to know, and really probably don't want to know. I've been blessed to have friends in my life who find this trait endearing, or amusing. Thank God for them. I will go off on tangents, get distracted, jump from story to story, and ultimately forget what I told you. That's the worst part. My poor friends. They have to hear the same stories over and over again, because I never remember who I told.

The fun thing about this, though, is I get to share little details about myself that would never come up in normal conversation. You get to hear about the time I built a fort in my living room and sat in it reading my little Beginner's Bible (I was young...), or how Tux loves baths, or even about how terrible I am at climbing fences. The more tired I am, the more colorful the stories get. My filter goes down and/or goes away when I am sleep deprived, so I will tell you anything. Luckily, I really don't have anything to hide, so it's not like I'm sharing these deep dark secrets. I just might be making people think I'm insane.

Another interesting byproduct of this quirk is that it makes people comfortable with you fairly quickly, and they are more inclined to share their ridiculous stories. If someone doesn't know how to keep a conversation going without getting awkward, don't worry about it! I'll throw in my story about the time my friend almost burned down my house. And that will prompt them to share something about their lives. It creates that comfort level from the get go, and it allows you to get to know people in all new ways.

Everyone has always wondered what I would be like drunk. I imagine I would be everyone's best friends, and we would all laugh about how terribly awkward I was as a child. They say your true self comes out when you drink. I like to think I'm not oppressing my true self, so I have no need to drink to bring it out. I don't really have anything against drinking. I just don't do it myself. I can't stand the idea of not being in control of my own mind and body, and I so don't need those extra calories. I don't mind drunk people; I am a wonderful Designated Driver. If you ever need a desi, call me. I will find you incredibly amusing, and we will bond over your messy night.

Do you see what I did there? I jumped from a story of how I talk too much into talking too much about drinking. What's that about? Ohh well.

Let's discuss school for a second. Does anyone else feel totally overwhelmed already, even though we've only made it through two weeks? I have SEVEN meetings next week. SEVEN. How is that even possible? It might be a lie, it might be five, but regardless. That's a lot. I got too involved. And classes are meh and I'm never home before the sun goes down, and it makes me sad.

But enough about that. Tomorrow I'm going to Greensboro to volunteer, and Sunday I'm doing homework. Huzzah! Tonight we had Operation 80's Chicken. It was fabulous.

How fabulous is this dress? Seriously.

And I'm looking pretty sharp, right? Looove it. Heather and I worked out today. It was nice to go to the gym. I love Wii Fit, but sometimes you just want the elliptical. Ha.

Thanks for trudging through this nonsense post. It means a lot. Maybe next week we can discuss my next fashion ventures. I'm SO excited for them, you have no idea.

“Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.”

I think self doubt is something we all struggle with. For some, it's a daily struggle, and for others, it's a fleeting moment that flashes by at the worst of times. For me, it used to be a huge issue. I would have mini panic attacks about what I was doing with my life, or if I had what it took to be in the industry. Today, it's a lot better, but I still find myself doubting my abilities every so often.

Today, I finally got to watch the full video of Rock the Runway. It was fantastic. There were some hits and misses, but overall a very strong show. Out of the context of the show, I loved everything I did. I was incredibly proud, and I felt like it was innovative and different. In the context of the show, I wonder how insane I looked.

I know it is good to stand out and make a statement, but sometimes I wonder if the statement I'm making is, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING HERE!" I got a lot of praise for my collection, but I also worry that I am not commercial enough, that my designs aren't marketable. I didn't make patterns for my dresses, I didn't sketch them beforehand, and most of them didn't turn out how I originally planned. I was definitely happy about this, because I love letting my ideas evolve and grow. But this means if I really want to make a complete statement in my portfolio, I have to go back and sketch my collection, get swatches of everything, and put it together in a more traditional sense.

That word, traditional. Aren't traditional fashions meant to be broken? Aren't we supposed to push the traditional barriers into a frontier no one has explored before? I hope that my pieces are doing that, but I also hope I don't lose the audience in the process.

If you look at the other collections from that night, you see a lot of similar design work. You see a lot of recreations of that ...special... bow dress that every boutique in town was selling during football season. (Please don't get me started on the bow dress.) But you also see a lot of traditional fashion. You see the tight, short dresses. You see the one shoulder thing. You see a lot of common design threads throughout all of the collections.

And then there's mine.

You have Indian music, Sari fabric, not a single cut, and a whole lot of good luck with some draping. I worry that I'm not getting what I'm supposed to out of my education. Everyone else is making these fitted dresses, these insanely commercial pieces that, if tweaked and made more professional, could be sold at the local boutiques. Then you see mine. Where could they be sold? Where would they be fashionable?

I always assumed mine were more "wearable art" than clothing. I chose my theme, and I went for it. But was I too literal? I worry that I tend to take things too far. Rather than make evening gowns inspired by the Sari, I made seven crazy designs that not even I could recreate. If you threw those designs into the corporate setting, they would be laughed off the table.

I've positioned myself into another internship at Macy's this summer. And I love Macy's. But Macy's is a corporation. Macy's designers create based on what sells, what doesn't, and who exactly their customer is. Working there last summer, I got a glimpse of how that works, and I'm honestly terrified that I'm not cut out for it. Everyone says that can't be true if they asked me back for a second summer, but I'm still so scared that they are suddenly going to realize their mistake.

I worry that often. I'm afraid everyone is suddenly going to realize that I'm not really talented, or I don't really deserve everything that I have, and it's just going to be gone. And yes, I realize that is completely irrational. But hello self doubt, you've reared your ugly head again.

It's times like these that I have to make a point to prove to myself that I deserve what I have. I worked hard to get my Macy's internship. My portfolio was strong, and that's why I'm back again. Yes, I love a good theme, but I can make commercial garments as well. I have to trust myself, and I have to punch that self doubt in the face.

This post is not a pity post. It's not me asking for shallow compliments. It's certainly not me offering a solution to self doubt. It's a discussion. What do we do in the face of self doubt? How do we keep it from consuming us? And how do we prove ourselves wrong?

(P.S. How awful was my hair at Rock the Runway? Good grief, get me some bobby pins, stat.)

"Fitness - if it came in a bottle, everybody would have a great body."

I think as college students, our health and fitness gets put on the back burner because we genuinely don't have time to focus on it. If you came into college with fitness goals, or a regular routine, it may have been easier for you to keep up with it. When I came to college, I didn't really know what to do. Back home, I played soccer, I went to the gym, and I swam a lot. Coming here, I didn't feel like I was prepared to play on the club soccer team, or even an intramural team. I went to the Rec a few times, but that place can be downright intimidating. And I went to the Rec center pool a few times, but I've always been a little skeeved out by public pools. So that left me confused and not prepared with a regular work out regimen.

I tried to fix that by playing frisbee on the quad, a few pick up soccer games, and going to the Rec intermittently. Overall, though, it wasn't a great plan, and it wasn't helping me to get in shape.

Last year, living in the Retreat, we tried to use the gym more regularly. It was a lot less intimidating, because there weren't as many people there. Mel and I even tried getting up at 6:30 every morning to work out with Jillian Michaels. Now, I think Jillian is fabulous, and she has a nice story and her work outs are amazing, but she will crush your soul. Especially at 6:30 in the morning. So obviously that didn't last very long.

Last semester, I was literally too busy to eat most days, let alone make time for the gym. I didn't sleep for a good portion of the semester, and I was not at all concerned about making time to work out. But this semester, with a new eating plan, it came time for a regular work out plan. With this semester being just as busy as last, if not more so, I recognized that I still wasn't going to make it to the gym. So I asked for a Wii and Wii Fit Plus for Christmas. 

My Wii also came with Wii Sports and Wii Sports Resort, and I got Just Dance 2 the day after Christmas. I know it's nice to go to the gym and use the nice machines, or lift weights, or yada yada, but for me, time constraints make that an unrealistic expectation. And this time it's all about being realistic about my situation. After my mom and I redecorated my apartment (I love you SO MUCH for coming up and helping me, mom. :) ) I set up the Wii in the living room. Friends have come over and played Just Dance 2, because that is SO much fun with other people. And it really is a work out. You will work up a sweat.

Seriously, this game is awesome. And SO much fun. So when friends come over, I like to get up and do that, rather than sitting around. It's a nice way for everyone to get a little work out. Wii Sports and Sports Resort are also great with friends.

But when I am home alone, and I need a daily regimen, I turn to Wii Fit Plus. It is amazing. I am still making my way through all of the features, but for right now I try to use it for at least an hour everyday. The cool thing about Wii Fit Plus is that it tracks your BMI, Weight, how long you have worked out, and how many calories you have burned. It's awesome. It also has things like yoga, aerobics, strength training, and balance training. For my hour, I usually do a mix of the aerobics, strength training, and some of the fun games that are new to Wii Fit Plus.

One of my favorite features, though, is Free Step. You can set a timer of 10, 20, or 30 minutes, then there is a ticking rhythm that comes out of the Wiimote. You change the input of your tv back to cable, and ta da! You can step for 30 minutes while watching your favorite show. It's FANTASTIC! Today, I did an hour of stepping, watched The Mentalist and The Royal Tenenbaums, and burned 400 calories ALL AT THE SAME TIME! There is also a free run option, but running and I aren't quite friends yet. I also don't think my downstairs neighbors would quite appreciate it.

I realize a Wii and Wii Fit Plus are on the pricey side, but think of it as an investment. Yes, the Rec is free, but are you honestly going to drive yourself over there, wait in line for a machine, and battle the sweaty meatheads for some weights? If so, more power to you. I however, plan to stay in the comfort of my own living room. It's also nice because I can get up a little earlier in the mornings before class, have breakfast, work out for an hour, shower, and still get to class on time. It also means I can totally work out in my pajamas, which is always a plus. I also have these fabulous new Calvin Klein sweatpants. Oh there are adorable and comfy. But ANYWAY. Ohh maybe I need to blog about cute work out clothes...you know, to pull in the fashion and all that. ;)

Either way, this blog will again bring the fashion back, when you get to hear about the projects that will try to crush my soul. I also already have most of my Tee Time garments planned out, so be ready for that!

Anywho, let's end with a picture....let me see which one will be good...

How adorable is this picture?? It is my mom's family. From L-R, uncle Paul, Nagymama, Nagypapa, my mom, and in front aunt Marika, and oh shoot, which uncle is which?? This is embarrassing. I'm assuming it's Pete then George. Yeah. Sorry, family!

(I love ending on a completely random picture, don't you? But can we take a moment to notice how ADORABLE Marika's coat/dress is, how fabulous Nagymama's hat is, or how much my mom looks like Kathy?)

"Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

I thought something that might be beneficial to us all are some reviews of the things I am eating. I'm eating some really random things, but they are SO delicious. Let's start with breakfast. Everyone says breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and it definitely is. If you don't have a good, solid breakfast, you are going to snack and be hungry all day. So my freezer is full of yummy breakfast foods. I mostly buy frozen breakfasts, because I definitely don't have time to cook in the mornings.

The first thing I tried were these apple cinnamon breakfast pitas from Target. They are from Ozery Bakery, and they are 150 calories each. The beauty of healthier food options is they have so much more substance to them. I can eat that one pita and be full for hours. I like to toast mine, put a little smart balance on it, and slice up a banana. Yum.

Next, I went to my tried and true breakfast of a bagel thin. Ohhh bagel thins. I don't understand how no one thought of that before. Just make them flat and voila! Less calories, more delicious. I like to toast them, put some butter, then cut up some cheese with my nifty marble cheese slicer (oh you fancy, huh?). But anyway, I love the Thomas everything bagel thins. 110 calories for a bagel is fabulous. You can get them almost anywhere, but I like to buy them at Sam's because they are uber cheap. These also freeze really well.

Now let me tell you about the cheese I found. I love finding things that taste just like normal, but with far fewer calories. I can't say this cheese tastes exactly like regular, but it's close enough to count I suppose. It's Cabot 50% Reduced Fat Cheddar Cheese, and at 70 calories for a one inch cube, it has around the same calorie count as say mozzarella, but with less fat. This is something I'm not sure I'll buy again.

Let's move on to something I LOVE. I think waffles are always a favorite. I got these Nature's Path Organic Buckwheat waffles from Manna Grocery, however, they also carry this brand at Target. Abigail is the one that introduced me to this brand, and I am so glad. At 90 calories each, these compete with Eggo's and most other brands when it comes to calorie count, but the difference is you can eat one of these waffles and feel full. I made two the other morning, expecting to want both. After eating my one, along with a banana, I couldn't even attempt to eat another. They are so dense and delicious, and full of berry flavor. I don't really enjoy syrup that much, and these really don't need them, so that was a plus. These are an A+ in my book, and I will buy them again.

Living in the house last year (no, I wasn't in a sorority. I lived at the Retreat. Don't get me started on THAT place) I became fond of muffins. Emily and Bethany would make them regularly, and they are light, fluffy, and warm. Since then, I have become partial to the Fiber One frozen banana chocolate chip muffins. With 180 calories and a whole ton of fiber, they are dense and rich and very filling. 30 seconds in the microwave makes them a gooey mess, but a delicious one. I will definitely continue to buy these. You can find them most places, but I got them at Target.

Now, here is something I don't think you would expect to find on my list. It is the Jimmy D French Toast Griddlers. No, they don't sound healthy. But yes, they are delicious. At 210 calories, they are lower calorie than the Jimmy D-Lites, the Jimmy Dean "diet" line. They are sweet, and strange, but very filling. Jimmy D products tend to be pricey, and this is something that seems so decadent that I won't buy it that often, but I'm definitely glad I did. It proves you can eat "normal" food when trying to lose weight. Again, I got these at Target.

If you'll notice, I did most of my shopping at Target. I realize Wal-Mart is often a lot cheaper, but I think my sanity is worth the $10 or so extra I spend. Oh, let me mention my drinks, and then I'll be done. Trop 50 is my favorite thing to drink in the morning. It has 50% less calories and sugar than normal apple and orange juice, and it tastes SO much better. You can get this most anywhere, but I haven't always found the apple juice. Either way, they are both worth it. At 50 calories a glass, how can you go wrong?

      

Wow, I have a lot of breakfast options. I think that is a good thing. Variety is a great thing. What do you all think about this? Do you think the reviews are beneficial? I think it should be kind of cool to see. I have a lot of weird food in my apartment right now. It's amazing. If you just get rid of the bad food, there is no temptation whatsoever to eat it. If I get hungry, I grab a clementine, or a handful of nuts, or something good and good for me.

I was going to track my weight loss progress on here, but I don't really want to do that. Maybe at the "end" (who knows what that means) I will have a big reveal of ta-da! This is how much it actually was! But for right now let's work on the looking good, feeling good aspects of it. I can tell you I made some great progress over the break, and I've continued that since coming back. So huzzah for that!

Your journey never ends. Life has a way of changing things in incredible ways.

Plus size. Voluptuous. Curvy. Real woman. Fat. All of these terms have often been used interchangeably. And for most of my life, I have fallen into these categories. And I have never really pitied myself for it. Yes, school was rough a lot of the time. I was teased in most grades, and that hurt my self esteem for a long time. I couldn't wear what everyone else was wearing, so I was a terror to shop with. God bless my mother for putting up with that. At some point in high school, something changed in my brain, and I realized I couldn't let other people define who I was. My self confidence grew, and I realized there were stores where I could get clothing that actually fit me and was my style. Torrid and Lane Bryant became my heaven on earth. I could dress and feel like a teenager. Once I discovered my love of fashion design, I made it my mission to become the new fabulous plus size designer that was going to change the industry. I am plus size, so I know what we want. I know how it feels to need a prom dress, and to go to five different stores and only find a handful you can even try on. I know how it feels to have to shop in the women's section as a fifteen year old. And I know how much it hurts when other people make note of this, and think it's something they have the right to comment on.

I'm not really sure how I became fat. It started when I was younger, and just kind of snowballed from there, but I was NEVER a lazy kid. My brother, sister, and I were always outside playing, I played soccer for ten years, volleyball for five, and was as active as everyone else. I'm not going to give you some sob story of how I couldn't do what other kids could. I could. And I did. No, I never finished laps first. Yes, I cried when I couldn't wear the volleyball shorts everyone else could. But that didn't stop me from participating. And it really shouldn't. You should never let a perceived limitation make you afraid of participating. Sometimes the boys were jerks, but I never quit. You know what the biggest problem was? Ignorance.

I was a good volleyball player. I worked hard, and I kept up with everyone else. I trained like crazy, giving up two summers to go to conditioning. But my sophomore year, my coach pulled me aside and told me I was competing with a girl who was on a skill level much lower than mine for the last spot on the team. Without me asking why, she told me that I was too fat to play volleyball. Stunned, I left practice and called my mom, crying. I wasn't crying because I was fat; I was crying out of anger. How dare this woman tell me I was too fat to do something. I was keeping up perfectly fine with everyone, and I was definitely better than a lot of the girls on the team. After hanging up with my mom, I realized what I had to do. My mom told me one very important thing, "Don't let her see you cry." And that is true. You can't give bullies more fuel. So I marched myself back to my coach and I told her exactly how I felt. I said, "How DARE you tell me I am too fat to play volleyball. I have worked harder than half the people on this team, and you are going to lose one of your best players. I don't agree with your decision, and I have lost all respect for you." And then I turned myself around, and I left. Oh yes, I cried when I got outside. A lot. But I didn't let her see it, and I made sure she knew just how wrong she was.

This coach's disrespect and hurtful behavior came out of pure ignorance. Rather than nurture a culture of healthy living and hard work, she nurtured a destructive culture of competition and self destructive behavior. I found out later that she had told a friend of mine she was too skinny to play volleyball. If only the two of us could have combined, we would have been her perfect players.

This story might be superfluous, but it's meant to show you what I have dealt with for most of my life. People don't understand that just because I am larger than you doesn't mean that I am somehow less of a person. It means that I have had to work a lot harder to gain acceptance and to prove to people that I am not any less than them. I am not making excuses; my obesity (yes, I will use that word, because yes, that's what it is) is a result of my own actions. No one else made me fat. No one forced me to overeat, or be sedate when I should have been more active. It just happened.

But that's not the point of this blog post. I don't know how we got to story time, but the point of this post was to explain why I've made the decision to change my life for the better.

I have tried every diet in the book. Yes, I have self confidence, and I have proven to everyone that I am just as worthy of respect. But every girl wants to fit in. I just wanted life to be easier. It's tiring to be the plus size banner girl proving herself to everyone. Sometimes you want to swap clothes with friends, or not worry about whether or not you will fit into something. I got a personal trainer, I tried Weight Watchers, I did everything. Nothing worked. And I think it was because I wasn't doing it for myself. Yes, I was the one who wanted to fit in, and I wanted life to be easier, but I was doing it because I thought it would change other people's views of me. It was never about how I saw myself. Until now. Something snapped in me over Christmas Break. I had a lot of down moments, but I also had a lot of up moments. But at some point after Christmas, I suddenly realized that I had to make permanent changes.

I realized the reason nothing else worked is because I don't like people telling me what to do. I think it's because I have built my confidence up so much that I feel like, how dare you tell me what I should and shouldn't do. But I was never telling myself what to do. Now I am.

It's pretty simple, really. I no longer desire to overeat, I crave exercise, fruits, and vegetables. I gave away all of the bad food in my apartment and took the time to shop the right way. My idea started as calorie counting, but I realized that wasn't necessary. I shopped so successfully that nothing in my apartment is going to ruin my calorie count for the day. And because I'm so conscious of not overeating, I won't eat double or triple the portion size. I measure things out, then put the food away. And I am committed. Something is different this time. I'm not really sure what it is, but I feel like I am being led to make this difference in my life. I have felt a substantial connection to God over the past few months, and I think that is a great benefit for me. In addition to my weight, I have also always struggled with my faith. I didn't really grow up going to church regularly, and I have seen so much corruption in churches that I am extremely wary of religion. But I made the decision in high school that I was going to discover my God, and I was going to find out who He is. I have SUCH a long way to go, but the more I rely on Him, the more I realize how much He helps me every day. So I am excited for the life revolution I am attempting to undertake. I am removing the unhealthy things in my life, be it food, people, experiences, anything.

I'm not entirely sure why I decided to spill my heart out in a blog. I've never been comfortable discussing my weight with anyone. If I approached someone about it, I was okay, but if anyone dared to bring it up to me, I would flip. But I'm okay now. I feel like sharing this could help someone else. If it could help even one person, then it's worth it. I'm sorry I'm not offering these perfect solutions to weight loss. I'm offering the hope that a life change is possible. And it will revolutionize the way you live. Some of you will need a weight loss center, or a personal trainer, and that is just fine. Everyone is different, and everyone needs different motivations. But if you are looking to make a life change, please figure out what is at the center first. If you are not in the center, you will not be successful. Plain and simple. Be selfish in this. That is what you need. You have to do this for yourself and yourself alone.

So, friends, in my long winded fashion, I have bared part of my soul to you. I have made the public declaration that I am changing my life. I am committed to this, and I am committed to sharing my journey with you. I can't promise this will be super regular, because my life moves up down and all around. But I promise when I have good days, bad days, and in between days, I want you to be a part of it. If you want to talk about it, come to me. No, you can't come up to me in public and be like, 'So you don't want to be a fatty anymore!' because I am so not comfortable with that, and that is disrespectful to me. If you want to have a meaningful discussion about making the deeply personal decision to change your life, feel free. I am here, and I am changing for the better.