“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”

So technically I've got three days to go, but I think I'll try to get this out now while I have some time.

A year ago, the lives of everyone in Tuscaloosa changed forever. We lost family, friends, students, faculty, homes and livelihoods. The world changed for us. I lost my apartment. It seems so trivial, but I genuinely loved Cedar Crest and think about it often. How I always felt comforted knowing Tota and Teca were just downstairs, how I could open every window in my apartment and feel like I was outside, and how even though I closed them, none of my doors ever really stayed shut. It felt more like home to me than any other place in Tuscaloosa had. To lose it really took a toll on me.

It took me a couple months to finally realize the full impact of the tornado. I knew I wasn't myself, but I just attributed it to everything else going on; stress, New York, new experiences, and sure maybe the tornado a little. But driving down 15th Street still feels like a giant punch in the gut. Every time I drive by knowing what I'm going to see, but some part of me still hopes to turn down that road and see my crappy little apartment standing there waiting for me. The McDonald's is back, Krispy Kreme has started to rebuild, and so many others are on their way. But Tuscaloosa has a long road of recovery ahead.

I can't say the past year has necessarily been good. After the tornado I promised myself I would live my life as fully as I could, and stop putting off the things I've always wanted to do. I stopped letting money or homework or any other excuse get in the way of experiencing life and enjoying my friends. Sure, my bank account is a lot slimmer but I've done a lot more in the last year than I ever would have expected.

But like I said, I can't say it's been a good year. I've definitely felt the weight of the tornado, and seeing its destruction every day makes it hard to shrug off. I also lost my aunt, which left a gaping hole in my soul I have yet to find any feasible way of patching up. Three months later, we lost her husband, leaving her three kids without parents. That's not something to shrug off. That's something that stays with you everyday. How do I help them? Can I? Do they want my help? It's something I struggle with, and I know all of my extended family do too. We love those kids. We love Marika. And our hearts break every time we think of what they're going through.

I've dealt with a lot over the past year. I was down and out for two weeks with what I lovingly named the badgers, leaving me weak and pathetic in my bed. I discovered the value of the Counseling Center. It took me a very long time to work up the nerve to go there, but I finally did it. I don't think I'll ever be one of those people who can sit around and chat about my grief to a room full of strangers, but one on one time with my counselor helped me place a lot of my emotions. Don't let anyone ever tell you that getting help makes you weak. It's not a sign of failure, it's a sign of strength. I was finally strong enough to admit that I couldn't shoulder everything on my own. There's power in that.

Over the course of this week, we're going to have a lot of remembrance events and there will be a lot of emotions running through this town. That's natural; we've lost a lot, and the scars on our town are deep and wide. But over the past year, we've gained a lot. We've gained perspective on the important things in our lives. We've seen the true colors of our neighbors and friends. We've learned how strong our community is and how resilient its residents can be.

I know I've learned a lot over the past year, too. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. I don't have the same goals, and I don't expect the same things out of life. I'm starting to realize how important that is. Finding these raw emotions exposed has forced me to face myself and what I want to do with my life. Had things worked out last year how I expected them to, I don't think I'd be happy. It took a year of struggle and soul searching to realize what I truly want.

I know we are going to see a lot of "remember 4/27/11"going around this week. As if we could ever forget. Don't expect large shows of emotion from me. Let your emotions be genuine. This is a time to remember those we lost and the impact they had on our lives and to honor what our town can become. Don't get bogged down by everything; lift your heads high and be proud of Tuscaloosa. We have survived, and we will come back greater than we've ever been.

“To pay homage to beauty is to admire nature; to admire nature is to worship God.”

Graduation is almost upon us. How scary is that?

Let's see...last time we spoke my dad was here to take care of me during my wisdom teeth surgery. That went really well. My teeth hurt for like a week but then it went away and they are slowly spreading back to normal. Yay! Last Friday I had a cookout with my freshmen. It was so fun!! We had Full Moon and played volleyball and I seriously had the best time. I'm going to miss being their mentor. :P This week I finished my entrepreneurship class (yay!), picked up some honors cords, discovered that Mellow Mushroom has THE best beer selection and $2 night on Tuesdays, finishing my independent study, and discovered the only thing left standing between me and graduation is my marketing final. How crazy is that? Oh! and on Tuesday we had the Good Art show. I sold a good amount of stuff. We had a good time too.

This weekend has been fabulous. On Friday Heather and I went to the cliffs and hammocked for a few hours. Annie lent me the first Hunger Games book so I've been slowly working my way through that. Laying in a hammock reading in the woods is absolutely phenomenal. Yesterday I continued the process of sorting through and packing up some of my stuff. I'm going to be here for the summer, but I really want to take the time to go through everything and see what I want to keep. Last night a bunch of us went to Crimson Cafe for dinner. Please don't ever waste your money there. The service was terrible, it took an hour to get our food even though it was NOT busy, and when we finally got it it was cold and not very good. I don't know why Crimson Cafe can never seem to get it right.

Today Heather and I trekked into the woods by the retreat and hammocked by a creek. Getting to it was a nightmare. Apparently I am VERY allergic to something in those woods, because I coughed my head off the entire way and couldn't breathe. Oy. We traversed the creek a few times, slid down some hills and finally found a good spot. I was cranky, but God bless Heather we got there. Hung out for a few hours, kept reading, then it was time to head back. OY. We had to cross two pipes to get there, and by cross two pipes I mean Heather crossed them and I found a way around. I decided I could totally brave them on the way back, so I started across the first one. Got almost to the highest point, said NOPE! and jumped off. Got to the second one and was so concentrated on what I was doing I didn't even realize I was on the pipe. Of course when I did I panicked and almost lost my balance. To my left was a steep drop off, so I couldn't go that way. My second instinct was to crouch down and clutch the pipe but I knew that wouldn't end well, so I looked right. Hollow, rotted out tree and a little patch of leaves. Okay. So I jumped for the leaves. SURPRISE! The leaves were just covering up the rest of the tree. So I jumped and ended up knee deep in a rotten tree. Yummy. After laughing and trying not to die, I crawled out and spent five minutes trying to find my way across the creek. OY! Spent a little too much time trying to crawl up some hills, and we eventually made it back. I basically crawled through as many poison ivy patches as I could find. It was....an adventure.

I had to come home and shower almost immediately because I couldn't stop coughing. I've never really had too bad of a reaction to poison ivy so I'm just hoping that will continue this time.

Oy, life. This week is my last dead week, then I have one final at 8 am on Tuesday of finals week and I graduate on Friday, May 4th. How crazy is that?

Oh, and if you're going to ask me, "what are you doing after you graduate?" expect a loud I DON'T KNOW. Because I honestly don't. I'm staying in t-town for the summer to work and save up some money, and then it's a big question mark. Sure, I know what I think I'm going to do, but no one knows if it's going to pan out and I'm not going to shout it to the world if it doesn't.

So we shall see, world. We shall see.

“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.”

I did a quick write up last...Saturday I think? But I didn't post it because it was mostly just blah blah. But Friday was Honors Day, which was fun. I got 4 awards. Yay! Hung out over the weekend, got lots of homework done, Did Easter church with Amber and lunch with Robert. Then went to the lab and got more work done. Monday I had meetings and such then Dad came into town to take care of me with my wisdom teeth. Yay! We went to Jason's Deli for dinner. Yum. Tuesday morning I got my wisdom teeth out. I was pretty nervous, but it was so easy. One thing I'm laughing at the doctor the next I'm being put in a wheelchair and wheeled to the car. So easy! Came home and slept for 3 hours and have been totally fine since then! It's amazing. Didn't have to take pain meds or anything!

Today Dad and I went to the SupeStore, then to City Cafe. Who knew I'd be eating normal foods the next day? But it was delicious. Then I got gelato at Mary's. Homemade strawberry with fresh grown strawberries from Snow's Bend. YUM!!

Nooow we're just hanging out. I think Dad's leaving tomorrow since I'm doing so well. It's been really great having him here. :)

“Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.”

I always have to do these recap blogs soon or else I forget. So here goes.

We decided to go to Lake Forest Ranch this weekend. We being Heather, Ryan, David, Michelle, Billy and myself. I spent Friday morning making record bowls for my UH300 class, then I packed up, picked up Heather, Ryan and Billy and we started on our way. And by that I mean we inched our way in traffic to the Northport Walmart, spent an hour choosing bread and meat, and finally took off in the downpour. The drive was a lot of nothingness, but we had a good time and eventually made it to the camp. It was SO beautiful. We got ourselves situated in the bunks, jumped on some of the mattresses, then decided we were hungry. We had planned to go to Sonic for one of our dinners, so we chose that night since David and Michelle wouldn't be getting in until way later. So we set out through the back exit of the camp toward Louisville, MS, which was probably 30 or so minutes away. It was the closest town. So we made it a few minutes outside of the gates when BAM! tiny adorable bunny ran out in front of my car. I screamed, slammed my brakes, then continued. Not 5 seconds later BAM! another bunny decided it wanted to die too! So I scream some more, slam my brakes, and just inch my way a few more feet before I came to a stop and just stared at the road. I don't know if I actually hit either of them, but I was freaked out. And I couldn't feel my arms. That was a fun reaction. So Heather offered to drive, which was an excellent idea. I spent the rest of the drive yelling about how I probably killed one or both of them and everyone else made mean bunny jokes at me. Love you guys.

So we made it to Louisville, found a cute restaurant, but they were uber expensive and about to close, so we continued to Sonic. Ryan was stubborn (what else is new) so we kept driving to see what else was there, and I'm SO glad we did because we ended up finding this awesome little place called BJ's. They didn't close for another 45 minutes, so we went in. We showed our clear lack of any local knowledge by standing awkwardly in the doorway until someone told us where to sit. Yikes. Ryan and I ended up getting the country fried steak, which I don't believe I'd ever had before, but it was amazing. And the onion rings were perfect. Billy and Heather got ridiculously massive baked potatoes and Heather also got pork chops. Needless to say, we were all very, very happy. Heather drove back to the camp and they spent the whole drive convincing me we were going to come across rabbit carcasses in the road. I was horrified. Luckily, we didn't find any, so either I didn't actually hit them, or something ate them. Ew.

We hung out in the bunks for a while playing card games until Michelle and David got there. Yay! So when they did we let them get situated then we walked over to the fire ring to start a fire. Heather brought these weird fire starter things, I called them poo bricks, because that's exactly what they looked like. Though Michelle, Heather and I spent most of the time criticizing them (yeah, sure boys...), the boys got a very nice fire going with the wet logs! We sat by it for a while, then started tossing hot coals around. Don't ask me why, but it was pretty fun. We all got some lovely burns and blisters on our hands, though. After we let the fire die down we hung out in the bunks and went to sleep sometime around 2 or so.

Saturday we got up around 8:30 or 9:30, and by we I mean everyone but Ryan, who can apparently sleep through anything. I got a shower, which proved to be useless. We..sorry, the boys, made breakfast of eggs and bacon, then we decided to take the boats out. Heather, Michelle and I took the canoe and Ryan, David and Billy took one of the flat bottom boats. We easily out paddled them (duh) and then discovered a paddle boat stranded on the other side of the lake. Heather being the good LFR counselor that she is decided that we should save it. We sidled up to it and as I was trying to get it closer WHAM! Heather leaps from the canoe, taking Michelle and I down with her. I landed face first in the weeds and up to my calves in mud. Yummy. Oh yeah, we hadn't bothered to change into bathing suits, so my clothes were soaked. The boys laughed at us so we proceeded to splash them heartily, and Heather of course. We flipped the canoe back and Michelle and I took it while David and Heather rescued the paddle boat. We all got back to the docks. Unbeknownst to me, David and Ryan were plotting long before this and took the opportunity to flip my canoe again! Wonderful. So we spent the next little while shoving each other off the dock. I shoved David into the shallow part by accident so he hurt his foot. Sorry David!! The only one who didn't get shoved in was Ryan because of the stupid bro code and the guys protecting him. DUMB. Anyway. From there we played frisbee, discovered we were standing in prickers, changed, then moved our frisbee game to the big field. Played that for a while, hung out for a while, then it was time for horses.

Now, friends, some of you know and some of you don't, that I used to own a horse. His name is Rebel and he now belongs to my dear darling cousin Gabrielle. We had planned to move to North Carolina when I was in high school, but it never panned out. But when it was going to happen, my parents bought me Rebel and I spent several summers training him and being a good little country girl (yeah right...). But really, I loved it and the memories I have of Marika helping me learn to ride and to do everything I needed to do to take care of a horse are some of my favorites. But anyway. The way he ended up in my darling aunt's care was that 1. we weren't moving to NC and 2. I fell off of him. It was ugly, I was scared, and it just wasn't good. So since then I've been a little skiddish when it comes to riding horses. I got right back on, thanks to Marika, but after that I was still leery. So anyway. Long story short, I was nervous about our ride. We walked to the pasture to round up the horses, got them all ready, and luckily all of it started to flood back. I got all of my gear on correctly, and we got ready to go. I cried just a little before I got on the horse, not because I was scared, which I was a little, but mostly because it reminded me so much of Marika and how much she loved her horses. But thanks to the wonders of sunglasses, no one noticed. And then it was time to focus. Got bless Heather, she knows all of my crazy and helped me get on my horse like a pro. Once I was up, I felt good. I rode a horse named Missy, who looked a lot like Rebel. We rode them around the lake, and it was fun. Missy did NOT like mud, so she ran me into a few trees to avoid it. But it was really great to finally be back on a horse. Once we finished, I perfected my dismount and didn't land on my butt. It was glorious. We took off all of the saddles and such and then I drove my car down to the pasture so I could drive everyone back to camp. Unbeknownst to everyone else, well, I guess until they read this, that was the moment I took to completely lose it. Imagine how crazy I look, driving by myself down this dusty gravel road sobbing. Oy vey. It's just hard to do something Marika loved so much without her. But it brought back so many memories of all of the summers we had and I'm really blessed to have had that kind of relationship with her. And I'm really happy we rode the horses. Once everyone else got there, I was good to go. Heather fed all of them, then we went back to the cabin. We ate an entire jar of my mom's salsa (mom, I need to bring a bunch more back next time I'm home!), sat around for a while, then we gathered out food stuffs and headed for Jerry's house.

In our hour in Walmart, we did manage to buy 5 pounds of hamburger meat. The boys cooked again, and it was delicious. We got to spend some time with the couple in charge (kind of ) of the camp, who were really nice. We ate and talked and just hung out for a while. After that...what did we do? I know we all just wanted to pass out. Haha. I think we went back to the fire. Oh yeah. I drove the boys around so they could collect firewood and Heather and Michelle went to rescue a submerged canoe we had noticed on our horse ride. That was an adventure. But we got it! Then it was time for fire. We all realized how much my hammock straps sucked, but everyone took turns swinging 4 inches off the ground in it. Heather and Billy fell in Heather's hammock, which was kind of hilarious. We stayed by the fire til it got dark, then got bored and went to the rec room. Actually, I ended up alone taking my car back to the cabins and walking to the rec room paranoid that I was going to be abducted. Did I mention we spent the entire weekend strategizing for the zombie apocalypse? Cause we did. Anywho. We all went over there and played this ridiculously fun ping pong game. I don't remember what it was called, but I just called it utter chaos. Then we played some soccer and other stuff and ended our night with some intense four square. Hahaha yup. I never went to summer camp, so it was very exciting.

We got back to the cabin and David decided to bust out his jujitsu skills and teach Heather and Ryan some stuff. It was hilarious. Then we ate some sammies, threw goldfish around and passed out probably around 1 or so. Well, I didn't. I laid there for a few hours before I finally went to sleep. Oh well.

This morning we had planned to wake up at 8 and leave by 9. Our alarms went off at 8 but no one moved. I finally got up at 8:45, which triggered everyone else to get up. We left by 9:45ish. Then we went back because Heather forgot her phone. Then we left again. Haha. We made it to Tuscaloosa a little after noon, parted ways, then met up again to go to the air show. Billy dropped Heather, Clay, Ryan and I off as close as he could get to the airport. Well, we thought it was as close as we could get. We were WRONG. We walked forever around the airport until we finally found the entrance. My shoes failed me and I now have blisters on the bottoms of both of my feet. Ouch. We met up with Heather's family, walked around a bit, then settled in the grass to watch the Blue Angels. I felt like a little kid again. I absolutely loved it. Seeing all of the planes was really neat too. After the Blue Angels flew, we got our stuff together and trekked to Heather's parents' car, which was almost as far as where we had been dropped off. Not quite, though. So they took us back to our cars, Heather went with them and Clay, Ryan and I went to Mugshots. I chugged two glasses of tea and two glasses of water. And we are talking Mugshots glasses, not normal sized glasses. Dehydrated is an understatement. After that we parted ways and I came home for Tux to scream PAY ATTENTION TO MEEE!! He's now passed out on my leg.

Alrighty. Well, I guess I should get some homework done. As usual, I'm super behind. Woo! This weekend was really amazing, though. I'm so glad I went. Can you believe it's just under a month until graduation? It's unreal...