Yesterday I gave an apple to a homeless man and honestly, it wrecked me.

I was hurrying from work to try to get to Lifeway before I had to be at my shift at Nehemiah's, when I stopped at the red light at 459 & McFarland. I had my windows down, but as I approached the intersection, I noticed a homeless man, so I rolled it up. But when I saw his sign, which simply said "HOMELESS HUNGRY", I realized I still had an apple in my lunch bag. So I rolled my window down and gave it to him. He thanked me, then turned around, rubbed it on his dirty sleeve, and squatted down to start eating it.

The sheer gratitude on his face, for such a simple act, wrecked me. I was overwhelmed by my emotions, by the fact that such a simple act could mean so much to someone, that I was shaking and I couldn't breathe. I have a very "New York" knee-jerk reaction to the homeless, or anyone trying to hand me a flyer for a "free comedy show". Eyes forward, no interaction, ignore their requests. It was sort of drilled into me in my time in the city, and as a young female, society has forced me to be cautious about strangers I interact with. So when I am asked for money, I say no. Even the poor directv guys at Sam's Club have felt the weight of my non-acknowledging cold shoulder. I don't want your flyers, or your tv service, and I'm not going to give you money.

But yesterday I was overwhelmed by the fact that maybe it's time to open up. It's time to stop dehumanizing others. There are going to be people who take advantage of your charity. There are going to be people in this world who are actually trying to harm you. And there are going to be some truly terrible comedy shows. But using a few bad experiences to entirely write off a group of people? To refrain from giving to someone who is truly in need because I don't approve of how they are going to use my gift? That's unacceptable. Maybe the guy on the corner is going to use my money for beer. Maybe his wife isn't ill, maybe he has food at home, maybe his car didn't really break down.

But what if she is? What if he doesn't? What if it did? If I were in that situation, if I were so lost, so broken, so helpless, that I had to stand on the side of the road with a cardboard sign, I would want help. I would want prayer. And I would want that skeptical girl to give me a chance, roll down the window, and give me an apple.

I think the thing that wrecked me the most about my encounter yesterday was the sheer gravity of it all; I can't help everyone. There are so many people in need in this world, and even just in our own city, and I can't help them all. There's very little I can do for any of them, really. And I look at my own life, and the opportunities I've been afforded, and the chances people have taken on me, and I have to do SOMETHING. I don't know what, I don't know how, but I pray that God won't let me easily forget how I felt yesterday. That He will use this yearning in me to make a difference and to reach out to the lost and the broken. I pray for the courage to use the gifts He's given me to brighten their worlds. Jesus came to be a light to this world, to heal the brokenness. As a Christian, I'm called to share his light with the world. And I just pray He gives me the guts to do it.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Tonight is the first night I was made to feel unsafe in my own home. And I'm angry, and unsettled, and the only way I can work through it is to write. So here we are.

Someone shined a red laser through my front windows tonight. They tracked me and Rebecca in my house with it, and when I got down on the floor they shined it through the other front window on me. It was terrifying, because I had no idea what it was or who was doing it. I moved to the back of the house, but when I came back up front they started again. I called the police, who said if it happened again they would start knocking on doors waking people up to figure out who did it.

It's very possible it was just one of the neighbor kids messing around with a toy laser. It's possible someone was just trying to be funny. But it's not okay that I had to feel that fear. That I had to feel powerless in my own home.

I'm going to do what I need to do to feel safe here; different locks, heavier curtains so people can't see in so easily, etc. But the realization of how easy it is for someone to hurt me has shaken me a good bit tonight.

There are several things about this neighborhood that are different from places I've lived in the past. For the most part, I'm surrounded by low income families. Mostly single parents, with a lot of kids that have less supervision than they should. But until tonight, I've felt welcome. And I've felt safe. I've made an effort to meet my neighbors, to let them know who I am, and that all I want to do is get to know them and love on them. And this incident reinforces my desire to really get to know them. So I know when there are people around who shouldn't be. So I know who to feel comfortable around.

Maybe I overreacted. Maybe I should have just ripped the front door open and started yelling. But I was scared. Really scared. How do I know someone isn't outside my home that wants to harm me?

I don't know what I'm really supposed to take away from this evening. I've been outside since, and I really do generally feel safe here. I like my neighbors, and I feel like God can use me in this place. As I laid on the floor waiting for the cops to show up, I prayed with my mom on the phone. For God's protection, for the removal of evil from around this house. And really, that's the thing that's keeping me here and keeping me sane tonight. I'm not going to let someone scare me out of my own home. I'm not going to let someone scare me away from sharing God's love with the people around me. This is my home now, too. And I deserve to feel safe and loved and protected.