“You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.”

Alright. I was going to recount the past year and yada yada, but if you want that just go through my archives. Everything is there. Well, most of it.

There have been a lot of ups and downs. Lately it feels like more downs than ups. I miss Marika every single day, and I don't know how to make things better. I cry a lot, and there's no way to make the sadness go away. I won't suddenly wake up one day and be okay with the fact that she's gone. I just have to find some way to function with the sadness, or else I'm in real danger of letting it consume me. I'm working on it, I promise.

The end of this year is filled with preparations for Birmingham Fashion Week. I'm making an entirely new collection. I stopped in ATL on my way home and got some amazing fabric from Gail K and I've been sewing every day for the past few weeks. Hopefully it all turns out how I want it to.

I'm really excited for Birmingham Fashion Week. I've made a conscious effort to stop planning my future so much, so I'm not expecting anything from this, I'm not trying to figure out what is going to look best in my portfolio, I'm doing it for the sheer joy of designing. I have spent a lot of blog posts talking about how I'm not sure I belong in fashion and how I'm not like everybody else, but at the end of the day, I'm doing what I love. I need to embrace that and quit worrying about what's next.

I think I've mostly processed the aftermath of the tornado. I still choke up when I read news articles about it and it still sucks to drive through the damage path, but it's getting better. It's beautiful to see how my community has risen above all of the death and destruction to hold onto one another and make it through. I take pride in living in Tuscaloosa; it really has become my home.

This past semester has been intense. I was far busier than I ever could have imagined, but I somehow managed to squeak by with the grades I wanted. I had some amazing professors who were willing to work with me when I missed that entire week before dead week.

Overall, I just want 2012 to be better. I got completely off track with my weight loss/healthy living goals, and I'm really disappointed in myself for that. I can make excuses about it all day, but it's a change I need to commit to and never look back. I think the best thing in the world for me was blogging every single day about what I was doing, what I was eating, and everything else. So I'm going to try really hard to make that a daily habit again.

I need to start living my life again. I need to do what I want to do, not what other people expect me to do. I'm not making New Year's resolutions, I'm not saying, 'this time it'll be different.' I'm making this time different. That's it. End of story. I will definitely fail. A lot. But I have to start trying again. If I don't, I am on a dangerous road towards depression and that's just not something I can live with.

So let's all get ready for 2012. 2011 was a huge jerk, and we need to just bury it and pay our respects. Maybe in a few days my memory will improve and I can do a sappy retrospective on the year, but for right now let's just look at new beginnings.

“He that conceals his grief finds no remedy for it.”

I need to be cleaning right now, so what do you think I'm doing? That's right, I'm blogging.

It's been a rough few weeks. The Monday of my last post I had just gotten into Alabama at 6 am, and I left again at 6 pm. Marika's surgery didn't go well, and they told me she wasn't going to make it.

That is one of the hardest phone calls I've ever gotten in my life. I cried outside of Adams, on my way home, while explaining to my history professor why I was leaving, and on the airplane to North Carolina. I told you, Marika is my hero. She was my second mom, and one of my best friends. I got to NC and my mom and sister picked me up from the airport. We spent most of that night in the hospital, and most of the next few days there too. George, Pete and Nagymama flew in and we all just waited and leaned on eachother. God blessed us with a few hours when Marika was off the vent and awake enough to speak to us, or at least listen to us speak. We got to joke a little and make sure she knew we were going to take good care of her kids. Marika went to be with Jesus on Thursday morning.

Sorry, just lost it for a minute.

This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. It's absolutely not fair, and it really, really sucks. That's the only way to describe it. It's not okay, it's not going to get better. It sucks. Her kids don't deserve to grow up without her, and life isn't the same without her. I'm angry, and I'm sad, and I don't like knowing that I can't just call her, or drive 7 hours and she'll be there. I know I'll see her again someday, but that doesn't make me feel better right now. Right now I just want to cry. A lot. And I am. and I will continue to do so.

I spent Thursday through Saturday with my cousins. I'm so lucky to have the relationships that I have with them. I spent 4 or 5 summers there, and it made us friends on top of being cousins. I just want them to know how much I love them and that I'm always always always going to be here for them. That's a promise I made to Marika, and it's one I plan to keep. They know I'm only 7 hours away, and I will drive there in a heartbeat.

We had a small memorial for Marika on Saturday. We will have another one in New Jersey probably around February. I miss my extended family. It feels like way too long since I've seen either side.

Since I got back, I've been just going through the motions. My apartment is a bigger wreck than it has ever been, and I can't seem to focus on anything. I somehow made it through the end of the semester and took my last final tonight. I think I did pretty well. I really need to clean my apartment, but I have absolutely no willpower to do so. Tomorrow, I have a phone interview with Macy's, Wednesday I get my wisdom teeth out, Friday I have a BFW meeting, Saturday I'm going to both graduation ceremonies and Sunday I'll drive home.

Oh yeah, did I mention I was chosen as an Emerging Designer for Birmingham Fashion Week? I found out Tuesday or Wednesday night while I was in North Carolina. I don't remember when. I'm really excited about it, and I'm going to somehow make a new collection for it over Christmas break. We will see how that goes.

For now, I really need to do at least a little cleaning and then get some rest. Sorry to spill my guts like this, but sometimes you have to get it all out there. Maybe next time we can talk about some other issues we have going on.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Maria Bailey is my hero. She is my aunt, she is my friend, but most importantly, she is a fighter.

Marika (as I call her...it's Hungarian, I swear I can spell) has been battling cancer in some form or another for ten+ years now. It started as breast cancer and has since morphed into several other forms. She has been battling like hell, and I'm so proud of her for it. Somehow, in the middle of that battle, she found time to take care of the house and her children as best she could. She battled the dogs and their stink, the weather and it's barn-wrecking abilities, and her kids and their lovable yet annoying teenage phases.

Right now, Marika is fighting the fight of her life. Her body is trying to betray her, but we don't want to let that happen. We want her to fight like hell, to beat the odds, and be restored to full health.

I'm asking all of you to pray. Pray harder than you have before, pour open your hearts before God and ask him for this miracle. We ask our Lord to intervene in Marika's life and restore her health. We ask that the cancer be erased without leaving a single trace, and that she is allowed to live a long, fulfilling life. Ask your friends to pray, ask your family to pray, and ask God to help us. The relationships we form in this life are what make it meaningful, and my relationship with Marika has made my life more full. To cut that short is shattering. To rob this world of getting to know Marika is a heartbreaking mistake.

Family makes up our best friends, those forced to be with us whether we want them there or not. Through thick and thin, they are there for us. For several summers during high school, rather than lounge at home or take a summer job, I drove to North Carolina and spent my time with Marika and her family. I taught Nick how to tie his shoes, and I helped Randy with math as best I could. I rode horses with Marika, laughed as Gabrielle shoveled poop out of the barn. When I was there, I took Marika to her doctor's appointments, and tried to be as positive as I could. Those summers make up some of my fondest memories. I learned that, though I love horses, I definitely don't belong shoveling their poop. And while I was sure I would love App State, Alabama is where I belong. I got to share parts of my own lovable yet annoying teenage phase with her. Marika and my mom have so much of each other in them, it was easy to be away from home for that long. It was like moving in with my second mom.

Marika is my hero. Through all of it, through chemo, through losing her hair, through those stinky dogs running amuck in her house, she has never stopped fighting. That's all I'm praying for now; I'm praying that Marika continues to live the way she always has. As a fighter. Please join me in rallying around my aunt, Maria Bailey. No matter the outcome, we know that she is in God's hands.

“Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can.”

I always joke with my family that I got all of the reject genes. Kathy got the skinny, pretty, athletic genes and I got the stubby, clumsy, sausage toe genes. We also compare our personality traits and where they came from. We joke about which side of the family the crazy comes from, and we all know I got my ability to haggle from my dad. But one of the things I am most proud of is one of the traits I got from my mom. We are both what I like to call "fixers." When someone has a problem, or tells us of a woeful story, we don't just say, "gee, I'm so sorry." We say, "what can I do?" We don't try to fix everything in the negative sense; we just do everything in our power to make a difference. When my best friend calls me crying because her nose is so stuffed up she can't breathe, I show up with tissues, nyquil, and a few good jokes to distract her. When we couldn't figure out how to get food for the fashion show, I called in favors and sent out Fashion, Inc. members to do something about it. I think what I'm getting at is that we are proactive. We can be sympathetic, empathetic or whatever, but in the end we are going to say, "What can I do?"

When my mom called me Friday night and told me that my aunt Marika was in the hospital, the first words out of my mouth were, "I can leave tonight." She told me to slow my roll a bit and leave in the morning, but there was no hesitation. I grew up knowing that family is the most important asset in life, and I don't think for a second about being there for my family. Obviously I can't heal the cancer, and I know I can't make Marika better. But I can help her clean the house, distract the kids and try to give her enjoyable days. I took Gabrielle shopping, I took an obscenely large number of trips to the Blue Moose (BEST. COFFEE. EVER.) and I spent a great deal of time joking around with the family. I was there to give the third greatest gift ever - laughter. (That's a reference to the new Muppets movie. I saw it tonight with Chris and Amy. Go see it!)

I might not always get things right. What I think is helpful might just complicate things. When I try to fix things, sometimes I might make them worse. And in the end, the things I do might get reversed, they might not matter to the world. But they matter in that moment. For a moment, I'm a fixer. For a day or two, I can do everything in my power to make a difference. That's what it means to be a fixer, and I'm proud to say I inherited it 100% from my mom. There's no expectation of repayment, no chip on her shoulder. She is one of the most selfless people I know, and she would do anything for anyone. All she wants out of the deal is to make a difference, no matter how small.

I ask that you all pray for my aunt Marika. She is an amazing woman and she can beat cancer and be restored to full health. We believe that God answers prayers and that He will heal her.

This isn't some self righteous post about how I'm the most selfless, fabulous person in the world. It's just a realization I made over the past few days that I'm really proud of. I genuinely want to make a difference in this world. I can be selfish and I can be rude sometimes, but I want to make the best effort I can to make a positive impact on everyone in my life. I want to be a fixer for the rest of my life. I KNOW it can drive some of my friends absolutely insane, but I hope I never stop. I hope I always continue to make friends with the weird kids, invite everyone I know to parties so no one gets left out, and show up at the drop of a hat when someone needs something. I want to be a change maker in this world, not just a bystander.

“Fashion is about good energy. It's about feelings. That's what I have to give the people, good energy and good feelings.”

Yowza. It's been a while. Sorry about that. You know, life is busy, yada yada.

The fashion show went really well. I had 12 pieces, 7 looks, and I couldn't be happier with it. The hair people from Salon TaraBella came down to do my models' hair as well as Lindsay's. It was super crazy, but they all got done and they looked AMAZING. We had well over 700 people show up and everyone was really pleased. I took my models and some of my super amazing best friends out to Buffalo Wild Wings after the show with my parents. I'm SO glad they both got to be there for the show too. I was so insanely proud of it and so glad I could share it with them.

After the show, I just wanted to sleep for days. Instead, I wrote a history paper. Woo. Then I went to the horribly awful LSU game. Oy. We won't talk about that.

The past few weeks have been super busy, but I'm so glad I've gotten to spend time with a lot of people who are important to me. It's insane to me that I'll be leaving Alabama in less than a year, and I'm so sad to leave these people.

But anyway. Today has been....an adventure. I went to the doctor and found out I have bronchitis (oh great.), wrote a nonsense paper in history, and oh yeah, UA had a bomb threat. Awesome. And the University was terribly vague and lacking in details, so no one knew what was going on. It was swell.

This week all my boards are due for my senior collection, I need to get well, and I need to clean my apartment so I can start holiday decorating. I have fall-y decorations for Thanksgiving, then it's onto Christmas, aka my FAVORITE time of the year!

Sorry my posts are so few and far between. I haven't felt particularly chatty lately, so hopefully that changes soon.

Here are pictures to make up for it!