“When you're safe at home you wish you were having an adventure; when you're having an adventure you wish you were safe at home.”

I miss my crappy little apartment. I miss having a huge two bedroom all to myself. I miss the fact that I had a dining room. I miss my amazing neighbors. I miss being so close to campus, yet feeling like part of a safe neighborhood community. I even miss all the stupid things that used to annoy me. I miss those stupid crank windows that never closed or opened right. I miss that damn bedroom door that wouldn't stay closed no matter how hard I slammed it. I miss the tiniest kitchen known to man. I miss the fact that I couldn't open the fridge and the oven at the same time. I still have a scar from the first time I tried to take something out from the left side of the oven. NEVER do that. Always from the right. I miss smelling Brazilian food in my front stairwell and Turkish food in my back stairwell. I miss hearing Tota watching The Office every night at midnight. I miss coming home at 2 in the morning feeling completely safe because I knew he was still awake and if I needed anything he would run out at a moment's notice.

We promised we would all get together before the end of the year. We were going to cook out and invite all the neighbors. I was going to go to Teca's recital, and they were going to come to my fashion show.

From what I recall, most of Cedar Crest Apartments withstood the tornado fairly well. The most damaged of all of them was my apartment. It's amazing what fifty year old brick buildings can take. When you looked across 15th Street towards the Cedar Crest neighborhood, our buildings were the only ones still above one level. Even Cedar Crest Square got damaged significantly. But the bricks of our buildings stayed intact. But those damn trees made a mad dash towards my windows and two of them succeeded in crashing through while the others just managed to block entrance to my front door. I still have scars on my leg from scaling the trees and power lines to get to my front door. I can't believe it's been a month. I can't believe how little I have accomplished in that month. I've been physically and mentally incapable of much of anything. I had no direction, no purpose. I have been sleeping in way too late and just kind of floating through life.

There have been a lot of other things going on as well. I'm not going to get into them, because I'm still not comfortable with things being so public, but probably soon. It's something I'd like to discuss, and something that may be worth while to talk about. But not now.

For now, I have four days until I leave for New York City. As of right now, I'll be living with Nagymama. I'm going to continue to scour craigslist for the perfect apartment, and if I find one, great. I'll move to the city. But for now, I'm saving my pennies. I want to have one hell of a senior year.

It's unreal to me that I'm about to leave. I've done nothing, and I don't feel ready. I want to go back to Tuscaloosa, and I want to go to class. I want to take finals, I want to finish my final projects, and I want to start the Fall semester the way it should be. I'm ready. I want to work my ass off in 450, make Fashion, Inc. way better, and get back to having a blast working in the CBH office.

But first, there's some things I need to do.

I need to make a big impression at Macy's. I need to prove to them that I would be a great asset when I graduate. I need to have FUN. I'm turning 21 in three weeks. I'll be in New York City for my 21st birthday. I need to enjoy it. I need to get out of my funk and have a good summer. I deserve it. We all do. I'm still sad. I'm still lost. But I have to do something productive.

I miss Cedar Crest. With all the things wrong with that apartment, I loved it. I had already renewed my lease for next year. I was planning on fixing up the windows and cleaning everything out. Instead, I'll move in to Riveredge. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice place. It's close to campus, and Annie will be right across the street, with Erin right down the road. It will be nice to have friends so close.

But I'll miss having Matthew three blocks away. Hell, I'll miss Matthew in general. I won't get to call him up at midnight and demand he play with me in the snow. Now he's off in the real world doing his thing. All my senior friends are. And I miss them a lot. And I'm going to miss Tota and Teca. They were the best neighbors I could have asked for. They're going back to Brazil, and I can only hope I get to see them for a day or two in August. In August, I have to go back to a completely changed Tuscaloosa. God bless it, though, it's a positive change.

Seeing how my town has handled all of this makes me want to stay in Alabama, or at the very least the south. Sure, I need to go to NYC for a while. It's where I belong for fashion. But like I said, for a while. I have a pretty good feeling next year won't be my last one with Alabama. I think we will have lots of unfinished business to attend to.

“Sadness is always the legacy of the past; regrets are pains of the memory”

I remember playing croquet in Brittany's front yard. We both thought we were awesome. We were pretty terrible. I remember camping in a tee-pee with 15 other Girl Scouts. I remember when we had to go to the bathroom, but it was dark and we were scared, so we ran together until we got to the lighted area. I remember her calling me crying because her dog had bitten her hand. He had bitten her a week before and her parents said if he did it again they were going to put him down. She didn't want to tell her parents because she didn't want to lose her dog. I convinced her to tell them, and they were able to keep the dog. I remember going to her birthday party and having that dog chase me onto the bed and bark at me. It really was a mean little dog. Brittany always had the worst luck. We were just getting to soccer practice one night when someone kicked the ball up in the air and it came down on her wrist, breaking it. She ended up breaking her wrist twice within a year.

I also remember the not so good times. The times she called me telling me she had messed up. We talked about it, and she resolved to fix things. I think she did, for a while. We lost touch sometime in high school. I saw her mom at the gym and she told me Brittany was pregnant. I got an invitation to her baby shower. She seemed like she was doing really well. I got to see a lot of people I hadn't seen in a long time. When I left Spring Hill, I didn't look back. But seeing all of them again reminded me of the times we all had secret notebooks in middle school, and the friendships we figured would last forever.

I tried to keep in touch, but we never did. I heard she was living with her boyfriend and son next to her parents. I don't think that lasted too long. That was the last I had heard of Brittany, until Mitch called me.

He told me what had happened. I really didn't believe it. I knew Brittany always struggled, but I never thought she would go off the deep end. I didn't know she was on drugs, or that she was a stripper. I was so sad for the man that she killed and his family. Her actions took a life. And what about her child? I know the father wasn't exactly in the picture. What happens to him? Brittany is going to be in prison for a very long time, if not the rest of her life.

What saddens me most is that no one could help her. I know people offered. I know a lot of people tried. But no one was ever able to get through to her. No one could get her to realize what she was doing to herself and to others. I look at these people who say she should rot in hell, sending virtual death threats over the internet, and I'm disappointed. Situations like this are a time to grieve and figure out what went wrong. Brittany was a good person. She made bad decisions and she dug herself into a hole that was deep for her to get out of. She refused help.

What these people don't understand is Brittany's background. She was a good kid who loved soccer and hanging out with her friends. We spent so much time at the beach, on the soccer field, and in girl scouts together. People don't know her family situation. People have speculated about it, but they don't understand. It was not a happy place. Out of respect, I won't go into details, but I can assure you it wasn't a positive environment. What always scared me was how everyone assumed it was. On the outside, it was a happy family. On the inside, it was turmoil, unfair punishment and a lot of anger.

I don't know what will become of Brittany. I'm so sad for what she has done, and I hope that this will at least get her clean. I know she will probably spend the rest of her life locked away, but I hope she realizes her mistakes and tries to do something about them. I miss the Brittany Miles I knew growing up. I miss spending hours at soccer games, sitting through band, and running around the school. I wish things could have turned out differently.

“Secrets are made to be found out with time.”

I wrote you all a fabulous blog post about what is going on in my life right now, but I'm not ready to share it yet. Maybe soon. But not right now. Sorry.

“There are moments when you have to just walk away and cry.”

Tornado victim. Tornado survivor. I suppose I have to add these titles to my list from now on.

Wednesday, I went to school to work on my draping final project. I spent a few hours in Doster, then went to work at Nott. Around 3, they started saying how bad the weather was getting, and that we needed to be ready. We watched the tornado tear through Cullman on the computer, which was terrifying. I wanted to go home and get Tux, but I knew it wasn't a good idea to be out driving. Around 3:45 or so, the tornado sirens started going off, and we all headed down to the CBH lab. I sat in the lounge area, hand sewing my project and watching James Spann track the weather. As it came closer, we lost power. I found Forrest and Clay, who were watching it on one of the computers and Forrest's ipod. Then we lost all power, and we just waited. When we got the all clear, we went outside to survey everything. No one really knew what was going on. They were saying it had run down 15th Street, but nothing really registered. Then, I overheard that the CVS on 15th had been destroyed, which is right by my apartment. I started to get worried, and I knew I needed to go see what happened. Annie and I walked over to my car and tried to drive down Hillard. Police had already blocked it off. So we circled behind the Coliseum and got onto Hackberry, then 15th. As we got closer, you could see the devastation. Everything was destroyed and the power lines were down everywhere. We parked in front of Stephanie's flower shop, which had a gaping hole in the front, and we walked. Along with thousands of other people, we made our way down 15th towards McFarland, as the police and firefighters tried to get us to turn around. We came to one intersection where a firefighter told me there was another storm coming and I needed to get somewhere safe. I realized he was probably right, but I wasn't about to turn around. A girl that was with him looked at us and I told her I needed to go get Tux. I realize now that I'm pretty sure that girl was in my World Lit class. She told us if we wanted to get to my apartment, we needed to go right now, and we needed to run. So we skirted by the firefighter and kept going. Everything was destroyed. Mike & Ed's was rubble, and the Forest Lake area looked like an atomic bomb had gone off. After scaling some trees and skirting some downed power lines, we made it to my apartment. My neighbor saw me and said, "Dude, your place is messed up." I realize he was probably in shock, but what an ass move. It just made me mad. As Annie cried at the devastation to our town, I just got angry and climbed trees and wires to get to the front of my apartment. We climbed over the tree down from the neighboring building's yard, came to the front, and saw two trees going through my living room and bedroom, with two more criss crossing in front of my front door. As we both jumped over and under these, I handed Annie my keys to try to get in. Of course, the door frame was a bit off, so I had to jump up and slam myself against the door to get it open. We ran upstairs to find my ceiling on my floor and a giant tree leaning on my love seat. We ran around my apartment, yelling for Tux. I searched all of his usual spots with no luck. As I tried to get next to the love seat, Annie yelled, and she found Tux. He was hiding in between the six or so water cooler bottles I had not had the time to recycle. Huzzah for that. As she held on to him, and he made her sneeze and itch because she's allergic, I scrambled around grabbing clothes and food. I managed to get one pair of pants and a few shirts, all covered in insulation and dirt. We found my computer, full of glass, dirt, and insulation and threw that and my clothes into my rolling sewing case. We found Tux's carrier, put him in it, and made our way out. As we walked back up 15th Street, I was horrified by the, as Annie put it, storm tourists. They were loitering in the streets, taking pictures of the destruction, not even trying to help. As I tried to roll the few belongings I was able to get out on Wednesday down the sidewalk, a group of them stopped in the middle to chat. Infuriated, I rolled my case over some guy's foot and yelled, "EXCUSE ME." How could they not realize what they were doing? 15th Street was not a zoo, my destroyed apartment was not some monkey on display. As the rain poured down, my stuff was being destroyed. People's lives were being lost.

Wednesday, I was not able to mentally or emotionally register everything that had happened. The only emotion I was able to feel was anger. And I took hold of that emotion and used it to survive. Had I allowed myself to feel anything else that day, I would have lost it.

After we got to my car, we slowly made our way over to Annie's apartment. There was no power, but we were able to get Tux some food and water. Phone service was pretty much nonexistent, but I was able to let my parents know I was okay. I broke down a little when we first got there, but I knew I had to hold it togehter. We got in touch with Mrs. Batson and asked if we could come get some litter for Tux. When we got over there, she told us we could stay with her. Thank God for Mrs. Batson. She is truly our Alabama mom, and I would not have survived Wednesday night without her. She heated up some food for us on the grill, gave me clean clothes and a toothbrush, and put us to bed.

Thursday morning Dr. Batson had gone out to get us breakfast. Staying with them was the best idea. We needed parents. After that, we went to H.A. Edwards to get a copy of my lease to prove I lived in Cedar Crest. We also got a storage unit. As we made our way back to my apartment, we ran into Erin, Taylor, and some friends. They asked if they could help and we of course accepted. We were able to get out my tv, wii, sewing machine, some of the garments I had made, and a few other things. The electronics are all probably losses, judging by the amount of glass, dirt and water that were in them, but we will find out in August when I reopen my storage unit.

We walked the stuff we could carry back to my car, which was parked at DCH, since they wouldn't allow anyone to drive in. As we went back, I saw Matthew's car, so I told everyone to go ahead and I went over to talk to him. His house was for the most part intact. His car was a little jacked, but he was able to fix it. Some assholes broke into their house overnight, though, and stole a bunch of their stuff. The people who take advantage of these situations disgust me. He and his roommate rode out the storm in their bathtub, and I'm so glad they were okay.

Thursday afternoon, we went to Mrs. Batson's church to charge our phones and everything. I talked to my mom and she flew in Thursday night. Annie and I drove to Bham to pick her up. Thank God for her getting in when she did. We went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things, and to Applebee's for a normal dinner. We got back to Annie's apartment and tried to sleep. Everything kind of hit me that night, and I ended up sobbing for a while. I didn't know what for specifically, but I was just consumed by it. Eventually, I got a few hours of sleep.

Friday morning, my mom and I headed to my apartment to go through everything. Turns out, there was a lot more to salvage than we thought. We spent the entire day there, making trips back and forth to the storage unit. We borrowed Mrs. Batson's van and got my mattress out as well. At some point in the day, some crazy men with chainsaws came and tore the tree out of my living room, leaving a gaping hole and a huge mess. But thank goodness for them. They were amazing. Some guys from Capstone Church came as well and helped me get all of my big items out. Most of my furniture was not salvageable, but the stuff in the dining room and sewing room were okay. We worked until the curfew, then went back to Annie's. Her mom had come in, and she got us dinner. We sat and ate and talked to them and Alan about everything. I was finally able to sleep Friday night.

Saturday we were determined to get the rest of the stuff and get out. Unfortunately, they wouldn't let us into Cedar Crest for three hours. So we went to Wal-Mart, found some amazing people giving away free boxes, and bought some stuff we needed, like a carrier for my roof to get my clothes home to be washed. When they eventually let us in, we filled my car and I tried to get out. However, they wouldn't let me out. I came back, we got everything else out into the yard, and I called Dan Preston. Thank goodness, he and Jess tried to get in. They wouldn't let them, so they waited over an hour until they would let them through. Through all of this, I've realized what amazing friends I have. We loaded everything else up into his truck, I cried, and we went to my storage unit. We unloaded everything, went to Mrs. Batson's to get Tux, then we left Tuscaloosa.

Around midnight, we stopped in Dothan for the night at a hotel. We finally bought some clean clothes and I got a hot shower. It was amazing. Sunday, we made it back to Florida, and I slept on and off. Today, I've done the same. I'm so emotionally and physically drained, I can't do much else.

I had to cancel all my utilities, file an insurance claim, and forward my mail. I also sent letters to the St. Pete Times and the UF and USF student newspapers. Being somewhere that they aren't aware of the destruction is unsettling. My town is destroyed, and its people are struggling. I'm finding it difficult to be somewhere they don't recognize that.

On Friday morning, I signed a new lease with River Edge apartments, across the street from the Bluff. They are nice. More expensive than Cedar Crest, but I knew if I didn't act fast I would have nowhere to live next year.

Overall, I'm just overwhelmed. I thank God every day that I am still here, and I pray for those who are not. I pray for those still missing, and I pray that my town will recover from this. It's going to take a long time, and it's going to be hard, but I know we can do it. I just wish I could be in Tuscaloosa right now.