I think self doubt is something we all struggle with. For some, it's a daily struggle, and for others, it's a fleeting moment that flashes by at the worst of times. For me, it used to be a huge issue. I would have mini panic attacks about what I was doing with my life, or if I had what it took to be in the industry. Today, it's a lot better, but I still find myself doubting my abilities every so often.
Today, I finally got to watch the full video of Rock the Runway. It was fantastic. There were some hits and misses, but overall a very strong show. Out of the context of the show, I loved everything I did. I was incredibly proud, and I felt like it was innovative and different. In the context of the show, I wonder how insane I looked.
I know it is good to stand out and make a statement, but sometimes I wonder if the statement I'm making is, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING HERE!" I got a lot of praise for my collection, but I also worry that I am not commercial enough, that my designs aren't marketable. I didn't make patterns for my dresses, I didn't sketch them beforehand, and most of them didn't turn out how I originally planned. I was definitely happy about this, because I love letting my ideas evolve and grow. But this means if I really want to make a complete statement in my portfolio, I have to go back and sketch my collection, get swatches of everything, and put it together in a more traditional sense.
That word, traditional. Aren't traditional fashions meant to be broken? Aren't we supposed to push the traditional barriers into a frontier no one has explored before? I hope that my pieces are doing that, but I also hope I don't lose the audience in the process.
If you look at the other collections from that night, you see a lot of similar design work. You see a lot of recreations of that ...special... bow dress that every boutique in town was selling during football season. (Please don't get me started on the bow dress.) But you also see a lot of traditional fashion. You see the tight, short dresses. You see the one shoulder thing. You see a lot of common design threads throughout all of the collections.
And then there's mine.
You have Indian music, Sari fabric, not a single cut, and a whole lot of good luck with some draping. I worry that I'm not getting what I'm supposed to out of my education. Everyone else is making these fitted dresses, these insanely commercial pieces that, if tweaked and made more professional, could be sold at the local boutiques. Then you see mine. Where could they be sold? Where would they be fashionable?
I always assumed mine were more "wearable art" than clothing. I chose my theme, and I went for it. But was I too literal? I worry that I tend to take things too far. Rather than make evening gowns inspired by the Sari, I made seven crazy designs that not even I could recreate. If you threw those designs into the corporate setting, they would be laughed off the table.
I've positioned myself into another internship at Macy's this summer. And I love Macy's. But Macy's is a corporation. Macy's designers create based on what sells, what doesn't, and who exactly their customer is. Working there last summer, I got a glimpse of how that works, and I'm honestly terrified that I'm not cut out for it. Everyone says that can't be true if they asked me back for a second summer, but I'm still so scared that they are suddenly going to realize their mistake.
I worry that often. I'm afraid everyone is suddenly going to realize that I'm not really talented, or I don't really deserve everything that I have, and it's just going to be gone. And yes, I realize that is completely irrational. But hello self doubt, you've reared your ugly head again.
It's times like these that I have to make a point to prove to myself that I deserve what I have. I worked hard to get my Macy's internship. My portfolio was strong, and that's why I'm back again. Yes, I love a good theme, but I can make commercial garments as well. I have to trust myself, and I have to punch that self doubt in the face.
This post is not a pity post. It's not me asking for shallow compliments. It's certainly not me offering a solution to self doubt. It's a discussion. What do we do in the face of self doubt? How do we keep it from consuming us? And how do we prove ourselves wrong?
(P.S. How awful was my hair at Rock the Runway? Good grief, get me some bobby pins, stat.)
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