"Jack of all trades, master of none."

It is a huge shock when reality comes flying in from left field and punches you in the face. It gets worse when it doesn't just stop there; it continues to pummel you until you finally have to throw up your hands in defeat. Reality has proven its point; it is here to stay, and you had better face it like a man. (or woman. you know. whatever.)

I think we surround ourselves with college life and college experiences so much that we forget what is looming beyond these four years. We can't imagine what the "real world" is going to be like, or how we are going to deal with it. As a freshman, I had no idea what was in store for me. I poked a hole in the great wall between college life and "real" life the summer of my freshman year by doing an internship in NYC. That was when reality began its great pursuit of me. It realized I was an easy target; I was seeking it out, so it didn't have to look too hard to get me. Ever since then, that little pinhole I made has erupted into this terrible gaping wound, allowing reality to enter my college life as it pleases, bring destruction and pain wherever it goes.

Okay, so maybe I'm being a bit dramatic.

Let me tell you what is going on.

From day one of my college career, I've been...."special." That sounds terrible, doesn't it? Whatever. I'm the first ever fashion design major in Computer-Based Honors. That's a HUGE deal. CHES gets to tote me out and say, "Look! She's SMART!" and CBH gets to pull me out, dust me off, and say, "Look! We have all kinds of majors!" I, of course, get to put on my big girl shoes, stand up real tall, smile, and say, "Look at me! I'm DIFFERENT!" It has afforded me a lot of opportunities that I know I never would have had. But it has also pulled me in two VERY different directions.

That had never previously been an issue. I thrive on the diversity of my studies. (vomit, how cliche and scholarship essay-ish does that sound?) But it's true. I jumped around all over the place when it came to what I wanted to do with my life, so having the opportunity to get the academic side along with the creative side had me super excited. What was that saying though, "Jack of all trades, master of none"? And that is exactly how I feel at this moment.

I have been so busy for the past two and a half years being this academic anomaly at the University, toting around my crazy wide array of interests and projects, never truly digging deeply into any of them. I did Anthony's website, but everything was so crazy in getting there that I never learned HTML, CSS, XML, etc etc. I used Wix. I did Tee Time freshman year, which was all ohhh ahhh she's a freshman, but it was simple; it wasn't anything special. As you move on through my projects, you kind of see that everything I've done may have been impressive, but not one of them was that definitive, "Wow. We need to stop and seriously look at this girl." I feel like my experiences just skim the surface, I've never sunken in deeply enough in any of them.

What brought this on, you may ask? It is that cursed USA Today Academic All-American Team.

I was told last semester by Dr. Wimberley, Dr. Boschung, and others that I should apply for USA Today. Not knowing much about it, I said sure. Then I kind of forgot about it until a few days ago. I asked Mrs. Batson if it was too late, she called the woman in charge of it, and I got a meeting with her last night. I walked into this meeting completely unprepared, and without any real knowledge of what I was trying to do. I was there for all the wrong reasons; someone else told me I should, and rather than question why, I just did it. Big mistake.

As I sat there listening to another girl go on and on about her accomplishments, and as the woman in charge read of the list of requirements, and went into detail about all of the amazing people who had won it in previous years, I realized just how out of place I was. A HUGE component of the application is one outstanding endeavor that has in some way benefited society. As we went through my projects and experiences, I realized I didn't really have one. I couldn't say that my iphone app was amazing, because it was pretty basic, and I didn't even create the app itself. We used another and created flashcard decks. My research last semester may someday benefit HES, but for right now it's just a PowerPoint and Excel spreadsheet sitting on my hard drive. Sure, I've volunteered here and there, done fashion shows, internships, yada yada, but how is that benefiting society?

Are we going to get uber philosophical and say that improving myself and my experiences will someday help to benefit mankind? No, we aren't that full of ourselves, friends. I left that two hour meeting (Heaven help me, I almost exploded) having completely lost my sense of self. I was now the crazy girl walking back to the parking deck at 8:30 at night yelling on the phone to her mom (to, not at.) about how her life was falling apart. (Total drama queen, right?)

But that is how my life has been for the past few weeks. I alternate between rage over how absolutely useless HES310 is (It's a class about how to make a resume, find a job, etc etc. It's REQUIRED for me to graduate. I'VE DONE ALL OF THIS ALREADY. but anyway), stress over my overabundant extracurriculars, and a nervous wreck over the fact that draping is NOT coming as easily as I expected it to. And overall, my nerves are completely shot because I'm realizing that maybe my "super unique" different qualities and breadth of interests has prevented me from finding the depth required to be really truly successful in what I want to do.

I think we all know how much I love Macy's. It was an awesome internship, and I'm super excited about going back this summer. And as much as I love the prospect of a secure job with guaranteed pay, benefits, and regular work hours, I know that I cannot live that life for a great length of time. As I go through the daily soul search that seems to keep popping up, I realize what I want in life is to own my own company, and create everything myself. Sure, eventually I can bring in other people, but I don't want my designs created by some poor child in China making 18 cents a day just so you can have a shirt with Snooki on it that you will wear once before it gets a hole and you throw it in the landfill. (Sorry...fast fashion and I are NOT friends. Look into it; you're destroying us. Anyway.) I want to make clothing that has character. I want it to mean something. Maybe that is a lot to ask of a simple garment, but it's what I want from my life. (Remind me to give you my spiel about character soon. You'll love it.)

This realization has opened up a whole new can of worms. I don't feel at all prepared to tackle this sort of life goal. I only have one design class left after this, and I feel like I haven't even begun to discover all of the skills necessary to lead the life I want. I think everyone assumed I was smart and I could get it, so they kind of passed me along, not worrying if I didn't really get something. I must just be having an off day; I'm the smart one.

What I really need is for someone to stop and say hey, she needs help. Because even though I am always terrified to admit it, sometimes I really do. I have always gone into classes assuming I was supposed to be an expert before we even learned anything. It's a terrible mindset to have, and it always stresses me out. But I feel like it's what is expected of me. I have this huge reputation to uphold, and there are certain things my professors have come to expect from me. It's really hard for me to stop them and say you know, I really don't understand how we got there, can you please explain it again?

So I think I sit here now at a crossroads. (good grief, drama queen. get a reality show.) I am finally recognizing that I may have spread myself too thin, when I really should have been focusing on the areas that are going to help me succeed further on down the road. Yes, it's very nice that I am an officer in all of these clubs, and involved in this and that, but hasn't it hindered my ability to dedicate a great deal of time to designing and honing my construction skills? And aren't those two of the main aspects of my future career? Yes.

I have decided to finally demand the help I need. I am paying (well, sort of. love you, scholarships.) for a quality education, and I will NOT leave this school without the construction skills I feel I need to succeed. I have enough free hours my senior year that I WILL find someone to teach me what I want to learn. I will restructure my priorities and dive deep into what I need to know. That way, the next time the "real world" decides to pay me a visit, I will have proof of my progress, and maybe a good swift punch in the nose for it.

And, because this is sort of tradition by this point, let's end with a picture:

JUST KIDDING. WATCH THIS INSTEAD. OMG I CAN WATCH IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER.