“He that conceals his grief finds no remedy for it.”

I need to be cleaning right now, so what do you think I'm doing? That's right, I'm blogging.

It's been a rough few weeks. The Monday of my last post I had just gotten into Alabama at 6 am, and I left again at 6 pm. Marika's surgery didn't go well, and they told me she wasn't going to make it.

That is one of the hardest phone calls I've ever gotten in my life. I cried outside of Adams, on my way home, while explaining to my history professor why I was leaving, and on the airplane to North Carolina. I told you, Marika is my hero. She was my second mom, and one of my best friends. I got to NC and my mom and sister picked me up from the airport. We spent most of that night in the hospital, and most of the next few days there too. George, Pete and Nagymama flew in and we all just waited and leaned on eachother. God blessed us with a few hours when Marika was off the vent and awake enough to speak to us, or at least listen to us speak. We got to joke a little and make sure she knew we were going to take good care of her kids. Marika went to be with Jesus on Thursday morning.

Sorry, just lost it for a minute.

This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. It's absolutely not fair, and it really, really sucks. That's the only way to describe it. It's not okay, it's not going to get better. It sucks. Her kids don't deserve to grow up without her, and life isn't the same without her. I'm angry, and I'm sad, and I don't like knowing that I can't just call her, or drive 7 hours and she'll be there. I know I'll see her again someday, but that doesn't make me feel better right now. Right now I just want to cry. A lot. And I am. and I will continue to do so.

I spent Thursday through Saturday with my cousins. I'm so lucky to have the relationships that I have with them. I spent 4 or 5 summers there, and it made us friends on top of being cousins. I just want them to know how much I love them and that I'm always always always going to be here for them. That's a promise I made to Marika, and it's one I plan to keep. They know I'm only 7 hours away, and I will drive there in a heartbeat.

We had a small memorial for Marika on Saturday. We will have another one in New Jersey probably around February. I miss my extended family. It feels like way too long since I've seen either side.

Since I got back, I've been just going through the motions. My apartment is a bigger wreck than it has ever been, and I can't seem to focus on anything. I somehow made it through the end of the semester and took my last final tonight. I think I did pretty well. I really need to clean my apartment, but I have absolutely no willpower to do so. Tomorrow, I have a phone interview with Macy's, Wednesday I get my wisdom teeth out, Friday I have a BFW meeting, Saturday I'm going to both graduation ceremonies and Sunday I'll drive home.

Oh yeah, did I mention I was chosen as an Emerging Designer for Birmingham Fashion Week? I found out Tuesday or Wednesday night while I was in North Carolina. I don't remember when. I'm really excited about it, and I'm going to somehow make a new collection for it over Christmas break. We will see how that goes.

For now, I really need to do at least a little cleaning and then get some rest. Sorry to spill my guts like this, but sometimes you have to get it all out there. Maybe next time we can talk about some other issues we have going on.