Romans 5:1-2 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

As most of you know, I've pretty much always identified myself as a Christian. I didn't grow up going to church, but I started going off and on in high school. I don't read the Bible as much as I should, I don't know all of the stories, and I've always had my doubts. So I think most of you know I've also pretty much always struggled with my faith. What I really believe, what it means, and how my life should reflect it.

I'm still not really clear on a lot of things, but today God laid something big on my heart. Like I said, I've always called myself a Christian but if I am really truly honest with myself, I don't think I ever prayed that prayer. I never really asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart and transform my life. I never claimed him as my personal savior and accepted the implications and profound changes to my life that should come with that. But this morning at church God was like hey, it's time. Money where your mouth is, essentially. So a few minutes into the service I felt God stirring in me the need to make the personal and public declaration of my faith and ask Jesus into my heart. I spent the rest of the service ready to burst out of my seat and say hey church! So when the alter call came I knew God was leading me to the front so I joined Brother Donnie and he helped me to pray for God to lead my life. I cried a lot, but this isn't something to be taken lightly. I should feel this passionately about the decision to ask Jesus into my life. I can't ignore His call anymore. I need to open my heart and my mind to the life He wants for me.

After the service I was joined up front by all the new friends I've made at Forest Lake Baptist. That was really overwhelming. In a few short weeks I have made some amazing friends and connected with so many people. Being congratulated and loved on by an entire church is really something special.

It's like a huge weight has been lifted from my heart and I have this overflowing joy that no one can take away. We talked in Sunday School a lot about the difference between happiness and joy and using our challenges and tribulations to glorify God rather than blaming him for our hardships. I know that my life is not suddenly going to become perfect and my doubts aren't suddenly going to go away, but the pure joy that comes from Jesus Christ goes so far beyond the troubles of this world. I finally feel confident in my heart that I will get to see Marika and Nagymama again. I know how proud they must be of the decision I made today. I feel like I've removed a stumbling block that has been holding me back from a true walk with God. Now that I've made this decision I can focus my energies on living a life to glorify God and learning more about His heart and character. Glory glory to God!

What we gained from April 27, 2011.

I kind of hate anniversaries of sad events. Everyone saying "never forget" and all of that. As if any of us involved could ever forget the tornado. April 27, 2011 represents a day when the city of Tuscaloosa lost a lot. We lost loved ones, friends, coworkers, pets. We lost businesses, homes, infrastructure. We lost trees, beautiful trees, without which the city still sometimes looks like a barren wasteland. No one can come into our city even two years later and say, well, y'all didn't lose THAT much. We lost a lot. But you know what? We gained even more.

On April 27, 2011, we gained a community that doesn't back down in the face of adversity. We gained new friends, the kind of friends who show up without being asked and help you without expecting anything in return. I gained new friends in the form of some good old boys with chainsaws yelling, you want those trees out of your living room? (YES PLEASE!) We gained a love for and pride in this city like I've never seen anywhere else. We gained the knowledge that in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, when your neighbor needs you, you don't hesitate. I gained a special place in my heart for Capstone Church when three of their college ministry members showed up to my apartment and helped me carry down what belongings I was able to salvage. I gained a true knowledge of what it means to be a Southerner. That sometimes, the most you can do is bring all of the food you could cook at your restaurant to those of us digging through the aftermath and say, I'm so sorry honey, please take a biscuit. I hope those business owners know that was exactly what we needed. I gained the knowledge that being part of this city really means being part of a giant family that looks out for one another. I gained a connection to this place that will never be broken.

Most importantly, I gained a home. When I graduated from The University of Alabama, I was lost. I knew the career path I was supposed to take; assistant designer at a huge corporation in New York City. I had the job. What I didn't have was a love for that job and the life that came along with it. I wavered a lot, eventually ending up in a city that felt cold and unwelcoming. It took only four and a half months to realize I was missing my home. Not my where I grew up, where my parents are home, but the home where my heart belongs. There are a lot of reasons I feel tied to Tuscaloosa. I loved my college experience, I love the friends I made, and I love the people here. But nothing bound me as tightly to this city as my experiences during and immediately following April 27, 2011. That draw back here is what allowed me to really find myself and what I have a passion for. I have a job I love, friends that mean the world to me and plans for my future all thanks to Tuscaloosa.

So yes, be sad for the people who lost loved ones that day. Pray that they may find peace. Be sad that it is going to take years for those trees to come back. Feel a little uncomfortable about being able to see clear to DCH from the interstate. But don't you dare feel sad for our city. We are strong and we are thriving. Tuscaloosa has taken a very intentional approach to rebuilding after that tornado. Be happy about all of the businesses that have returned, as well as the new ones who have had an opportunity to become a part of our city. Be proud of the identity that was revealed after April 27, 2011. We are a strong, proud community of people who don't dare back down, no matter what the circumstances.

“The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things.”

So I'm stuck in bed for the next two days because of bronchitis, I almost passed out twice this morning and a few days ago I nearly sliced the top of my middle finger off with a kitchen knife. But you know what? I'm happy.

Obviously, I'm not overly pleased with the ways in which the universe is trying to get me, but everything else going on in my life right now means that I can handle all of this and be okay. I love my job. Every day kicks my butt a little bit, but I'm learning so much. All of the ladies I work with are absolutely amazing and make me excited to go to work every day. I feel valued. I came into this job with zero kitchen experience but Mary immediately made me feel like part of the bakery family. She's teaching me a little bit of everything, from how to make quiche to icing cookies to little things that are important aspects of running a small business. I think the best part is that is just part of who Mary is. She makes everyone she interacts with feel valued. All of our delivery drivers get to be part of the bakery family and are on a first name basis with her. They sit and chat for a bit after they bring our deliveries and Mary always sends them off with full bellies and a few treats for the road. The first time I saw her interact with one of our delivery guys I gained so much respect for her. Since Chris works for UPS, I notice how people treat truck drivers and delivery guys. It means a lot and leaves an impression when one of your businesses makes it a point to show you respect.

I'm working Saturdays now, which is definitely something new for me. I've always worked in an office and my work always fit around my school schedule. Now that I have a big girl job, it's so strange. But I definitely enjoy working Saturdays because we are always busy and I learn so much. I get to help with wedding cake deliveries, work with a ton of customers, and see how much this town appreciates small business. It's also kind of nice having Sunday and Monday off because I feel like I can get a lot done on those days. I'm sure once the weather is consistently nice I'll be a little sad to work Saturdays, but I went into this knowing a lot of food work is going to be on Saturdays.

I threw Lindsay's baby shower. It was so much fun! The theme was yellow and gray and baby elephants. :) I know that I want to work in events eventually so it was a really fun practice run and it was really great to hang out with some good friends. I hope Lindsay enjoyed it because I had a blast. I made lemon and strawberry cakes from scratch with cream cheese buttercream icing piped on in rosettes. LOVED IT! And I made flower bombs for party favors. I think they are so cool.

I've been baking a ton. Lots of pictures of things are on facebook if you want to see. Whoopie Pies, cream puffs, lots of cakes, cookies, biscuits, anything that looks interesting. I made a dreamsicle cheesecake for Kevin's birthday. I'm REALLY proud of that one. It's amazing how much joy I get out of cooking/baking. I know once I'm doing it on a larger scale in a business setting it will be different, but I know that I will still love it.

I'm really loving where I'm at in life right now. I've been struggling these past few months with some pretty serious self esteem issues and they've really been wearing me down. The past few weeks though, I've been praying a lot about it and really asking God to give me the strength and the confidence to be the person He wants me to be. I just want to stop worrying so much about what other people think and be confident in the person that I am. So that's a work in progress, but we're getting there. Slowly.

I do loooove my living situation at the moment, though. I knew the night I met Rebecca that we were meant to be roommates. We have a blast and I'm so blessed to get to live with her. I'm sad we will have to part ways in July, but that is also going to lead to another exciting living adventure with Amber and Corey. We're trying to find a house now, which is such a pain in the butt. I just want a nice, affordable house! But we will figure it out.

I really can't wait for the weather to get nice. My patio furniture has been calling our names and I want to grill and hang out and just enjoy the nice weather!

Oh yeah, my Wilton classes are going really well. It's fun to learn stuff there and then see how it's tweaked/done differently at the bakery. It's a fun way to learn things. And I think it's helping me a lot with my decorating. So yay!

Alright, I'm feeling really icky so time to sign off. Maybe I'll update again before two months have gone by. (Probably not.)

“If you want something you’ve never had, you must be willing to do something you’ve never done.”

Hello again, friends. It sure has been a while. I'm not sure where to start so let's just dive right in.

It's been what, like 2 months since I last posted? So many things have changed since then. Thanksgiving at home was lovely. My house in Greensboro looked really pretty with the Christmas decorations up. I spent many nights in December hanging out with some lovely amazing people eating Mexican food and watching movies.

I finally decided at the very end of November that it was time to end the failed experiment that was living in Greensboro and get out of a situation that was making my depression a million times worse. I know I'm happy in Tuscaloosa and the chances of getting a job would be way better. I tried so hard to find something in Greensboro and it just didn't happen. So I found an amazing house on craigslist with some amazing roommates and made the move. I spent the first two weeks of December packing everything up, while also driving back and forth to Tuscaloosa every day during that second week to help out at the CBH office. That actually worked out well because I got to bring some of my stuff up and move it in during that week. Then, God bless him, Kevin helped me move aaaaaaall of my stuff in one day. I picked him up, picked up the Uhaul, we loaded everything up, drove it up to Tuscaloosa and unloaded it. LONG DAY. And basically I owe him everything ever. I am so so blessed to have amazing people in my life. Amber helped us move in the last couple big things, which was good, because I couldn't bring myself to carry the couch down the ramp as the truck was parked on a hill.

So anywho. Drove back to Florida the next day and had a great time at home for Christmas. It was nice to have the weight and stress of living in Greensboro off my shoulders. I finally got the courage to leave a place that just wasn't what I was expecting it to be. After Christmas I drove back to Tuscaloosa (technically, I actually live in Northport) so I drove back to Northport, dropped Tux off at the new house, then drove up to Birmingham to pick Heather up, then we went to Atlanta for New Year's Eve. Had a serious blasty blast. Then it was back to Bham, then on to Northport. I spent my first night here moving stuff from the basement into my room, then I cried a bit cause it's super overwhelming to move in with strangers you met on craigslist!

I spent the first few days moving everything where it should go and organizing. I own A LOT of stuff. I realize this every time I move, but I don't seem to be able to do anything about it. Oh well. It took a very long time to get everything organized but I think I'm nearly there.

The past few weeks have been spent going to the gym and job hunting. I'm fairly certain I have applied to over 100 jobs. It's really frustrating to not get calls back or to be way overqualified for everything you apply for. But I have been so much happier living here. It's amazing how different I feel.

So anyway. Now for the cool news. I got a job at Mary's Cakes and Pastries! It's part time, but it's amazing. I know I'm going to learn so much and the people that work there are amazing. Why am I working at a bakery? Because after all of my uncertainty and not knowing what I want and thinking maybe I want to go to grad school, no maybe I don't, a PhD sounds good, but what on earth would I do with it? Yeah, after all of that, I've realized that I really, really love to cook. And I'm really quite good at it. So eventually, maybe in August, maybe next year, who really knows when, I would like to go to culinary school. I can still sew and design and all of that, but I would love to go to culinary school to actually get trained. I have a nice plan for what to do with that training, but now isn't the time to share that. ;)

Since I got that job I've gotten a few other offers for full time employment but honestly, learning from Mary and seeing what it takes to run a bakery is worth so much more than whatever extra money I'd make working full time instead of part time. This past week was my first week and while it's utterly exhausting, I haven't been this happy in a long time.

I'm also taking the Wilton cake decorating classes at Michael's. It's been fun and it's cool to learn some of the tricks. My roommates are also pretty happy because it means the house is constantly full of delicious cake.

Speaking of my roommates, I got so incredibly lucky. They are both absolutely amazing and living with them is such a blast. We are all completely different people, and we have insane schedules, but we get along so very well. We had roommate bonding night last night and it was so much fun to just get to hang out. I've lived alone for so long I forgot how nice it can be to come home to people. Even if we don't see each other it's just nice to know they are here. Our lease ends in July, which suuuucks, but the next six months are going to be amazing.

Let's see, what else. Ah, the never-ending weight loss saga. Yes, friends, I'm at it again. This time I'm going to Curves every day. Yep, the old lady gym. But it's going well, and it's nice to have a focused work out. It's improved a lot since the last time I went to Curves and it really kicks my ass every day. I'm still eating healthy (honestly, I pretty much always have) but making sure I'm not eating too much of the healthy stuff. I'm going to try to see a nutritionist soon because I think my body hates me, so we will see if that makes any difference. Honestly, I just want to lose weight because I know it'll make me happier. I know no matter what weight I am I will always be ridiculously awkward and that really, there isn't anything I can't do now that I will suddenly be able to do when I lose weight (well perhaps running. Bleh.) but I want to (literally) get the weight off my shoulders. I want to be confident in who I am and I want my outside to match my inside (ugh cheesy). Also, I want to look rockin' for Annie's wedding. :)

So there's life. I miss my friends in Greensboro and volunteering with Horseshoe, but I can always go back to visit. That way I get to have the happy times in Greensboro, not the lonely, depressed times that seemed to be the majority there. I'm excited about the idea of culinary school and I honestly think it will make me very happy. But don't hold me to that; I'm prone to changing ideas every few days and I've tried to promise myself I won't go planning my life. I may have no idea where I'll be living or what I'll be doing in six months, but I intend to have an amazing time and try my best to just live for right now (cheeseball. seriously.) and see what happens.

"The Lord watches over you -- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night."

Hey friends. I'm sitting in the Philly airport with 3+ hours until my flight will hopefully take off so I figured it was life update time! I drove home Wednesday. Stopped in Tally to visit Roger on the way. Such a nice time, just wish I could have stayed longer. We went to this place called Mr. Roboto. Delicious food and really cool atmosphere. I texted Chris that he would love it and he was like yeah, been there, it's one of my favorite places. Ha! So that was cool. Got home without too much incident from Tux. I gave him some meds before we left. Poor thing walked into a wall, but he didn't make a horrifying mess of my car, so I'll call it a fair trade off.

I spent all day Thursday scanning pictures that we got from Nagymama's house. Literally all day. I took a break for about an hour to go buy groceries, but other than that I sat at the kitchen table and scanned. I used this AMAZING thing called a VuPoint Magic Wand. It made it SO much easier and so much more pleasant. And the scans were pretty good too. While I scanned photos I finally gave in and watched Duck Dynasty. I had heard a little about it and Kevin sent me the link to watch the first season so I finally gave in and watched it. LOVED IT. Seriously, they are adorable and hilarious and it was a nice distraction from scanning aaaaaall day. Got through 13 episodes. Haha.

Friday we flew out of Tampa up to Philly. George and Diane picked us up and we drove up to Passaic. Spent Friday and Saturday cleaning and getting stuff in order. Sunday was the memorial service for Nagymama. It was really nice and we packed out the church. It was amazing to see that many people there to celebrate her life. After the church we had a get together at her house. There were easily well over 100 people there. We ate, drank and reminisced on Nagymama and our memories of that house. It was so great to see all of the family in one place. Monday Mom and I got up at 4:30 in the morning to get Kathy to the airport. She had a hell of a time and spent 14 hours traveling trying to get back to Jax. Poor sister. But I'm SO glad she came up.

Let's see. Monday afternoon we went to see my great uncle who is in the hospital. OY. He was on the 5th floor of St. Mary's, which is exactly where Nagymama was. Definitely wasn't happy to have to go back to that place, but it was nice to see him and see that he was doing better. Hopefully he gets well enough and strong enough to get out of that place soon. After that we packed up and headed south to George's house. Spent the night talking and bonding. It was nice. I'm SO exhausted today though.

We came to the airport reeeeally early so George could have time to work on his house, which is looking great. We had a nice lunch and now we have about 3 hours til we take off. I'm going to hang out in Florida until after Thanksgiving because there's really no sense in going back to Alabama for like 5 days just to drive back down next week.

I have lots and lots of other updates for you guys but they aren't developed enough to share just yet. Some are great, some are stupid, and some are really exciting. So I promise once they're share-ready, you'll get fully updated. For now, thanks to everyone for being swell. Life has been a little rough and it really means a lot to have the friends and family that I do. So really, thank you all.

"There is hope in dreams, imagination, and in the courage of those who wish to make those dreams a reality."

Alright, blog. It's been a month and a half. I guess I should update you. Morale has improved since we last spoke. The whole crying a lot thing is under control, and I've actually made some really awesome friends here in Greensboro. Taking doggie back to the shelter was the right decision, but I still feel like a horrible person and that there must be something wrong with me that I don't want a dog. But I'm sure that will pass eventually. Leaving my job at the magazine was 100% the right thing to do and I haven't regretted it even for a second. I'm sad that things that I spent so much time and effort on won't even be attributed to me, but I will live and I will know that it is my work. I finally started sewing again. I'm working on Rachel's graduation dress. It feels nice to get back into it. I guess I'm not technically unemployed anymore because I am working as a substitute teacher. And by that I mean I've been called in once and I'm praying I get more call backs. It was good, though. I subbed for a 6th grade reading class and I discovered I really didn't hate it. So hopefully I can work enough to pay my rent each month. Cause you know, that's important. Most of my time has been spent on a massive road sign collage for Facebook HQ. When I have photos and a better explanation, I will share. For now know that I probably need a tetanus shot and dealing with old road signs is definitely a great workout. Speaking of which, still going to the gym regularly. And I feel horrible when I don't go, so that's a good sign, right? Also walked a 5K last week. Yup, walked it with a friend. And we are awesome. Won 2nd place in my age group. Does that tell you how few people our age did it? Ha. But it was really fun. That weekend was really when I started feeling less like an outsider and more like a part of the community. People are starting to remember who I am and I don't feel so awkward walking around town. It's nice. Got left in charge of Pie Lab one day. That was an adventure. They were closed so I really just had to make sure not to burn the place down. Ended up scorching my elbow on the oven. Oops. Let's see, what else. Tomorrow I'm decorating my house for Halloween. SO EXCITED. I'm going to cover the front in spider web. Oh, I spent this weekend in Tuscaloosa. It was so much fun. Got to see good friends, eat good food and hang out in one of my favorite towns. Good, good weekend. Next week I'll drive home to drive/fly up to New Jersey for Nagymama's memorial service. Oh, yeah, I didn't share that. A few weeks ago Nagymama passed away. It was really pretty sudden and I'm still not sure how to process it. I spent two weeks in New Jersey with my mom. I'm really glad I could be there and that we had a day or two of coherency so I could talk to Nagymama. She means so much to me and I really am incredibly blessed to have spent three summers living with her. I know sometimes it was hard but I learned so much and got some incredible experiences that a lot of people don't get with their grandparents. I miss her like crazy but I can't help but smile when I think of the incredible welcoming committee she had in heaven. Marika, Palco, Nagypapa, everyone. How amazing was that reunion? So I know they are all watching over me. I made a cake last weekend for some people in town from Boston and I had to smile knowing she would be proud of me for making such an awesome cake but she would have insisted I make my own whipped cream.

So there's life. This week should be busy, which is always good. I'll try to update more but let's be honest, it's not going to happen. Oh, one more update, I'm studying for the GRE. I'm looking into some PhD programs and maybe some masters. I don't really know what I want to do with my life, but I'm pretty sure more school should be in my future. So we will see how that pans out.

“My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.”

Let's be honest, this whole monthly posting thing is probably going to become the norm. Oops.

Oh well. Let's update you on my life. I've made a lot of mistakes. Some big, some little. But I'm realizing that there's no way to keep myself from messing up and as long as I learn something from each of them, it should all turn out okay, right?

So doggie went back to the shelter. I struggled with that decision for a very, very long time. He was the most wonderful, loving dog I could ask for, but I absolutely did not want him. He just wanted to give me love and attention and I just wanted to be left alone. I wasn't ready to commit to that much responsibility and unfortunately I didn't realize that until after the fact. I guess I really couldn't have known it without trying, but it was a huge mistake and one that still kind of hurts. I feel like a horrible person for taking him back, but I also donated everything that I had bought for him, including cage, leashes, toys, food, heartworm medicine, everything. So that makes me feel better and feel like he will have a good shot at getting adopted by a really awesome family.

I left my job at the magazine. It was no longer a good situation and it was time for me to take my leave. I'm still a little panicky about being jobless, but I also know that something better is waiting for me. I know for sure that leaving was not a mistake. Taking the job in the first place very well may have been, but it served its purpose at the time. I'm applying to be a substitute teacher in Hale County, so hopefully that will help me cover rent and whatnot.

Let's see, what else. I'm volunteering a lot, which is awesome. I volunteer with Project Horseshoe Farm, which is really cool. I'm tutoring middle schoolers in math, which is interesting since I haven't had math since senior year of high school. But it should be good. And they have a day program and that is really fun to work with. Everyone has really great stories.

I'm also working with HERO on some projects. Pam is amazing and I kind of want to be her when I grow up. She also has a background in fashion so that's a nice link. We have some cool stuff going and I'm going to work on some cool new stuff for Pie Lab. I'm excited to do that.

Hmm other than that.. well, I'm working on the weight loss thing again. I know I've restarted this way too many times to count but this time I can really devote myself to it. I've been going to the gym twice a day and eating a lot of fruits and veggies. The beauty of Greensboro is there are maybe 4 restaurants (if you really want to call them that), no bars and no temptation really to eat bad things. So I'm hoping it continues to go well and I finally get to be the brand new me when this year is up.

I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing after this year. And what I'm doing now, really. But I committed to a year off and I need to follow through on that. This year is about getting healthy and figuring out what I really truly want. After that, we will see. I'm going to look into grad school and see if that is where I belong. I have a funny feeling the answer is yes, because I don't see myself being satisfied with just a 4 year degree in fashion. I need to learn more and do more. So I'll keep you posted on that.

Other than that, I'm just trying to get to know people in town. There are a lot of people my age here for different things. It's strange to be the one that is here for no real specific reason, but I'm slowly meeting people. Everyone has been great so far, so that helps. I'll just keep on keeping on and see where the road leads.

So yeah. There's my life at the moment. Not too exciting, a little terrifying, but it is what it is.