First, learn how to make yourself happy.

Not too long ago, I wrote on Fat Gal Fitness about finally loving my body and everything it can do. That was a huge step for me. I've always hated it and felt like it betrayed me, so to finally love it for exactly what it is was like becoming a whole new person.

Loving my body means when I get dressed, I like what I see. I like the way my clothes fit, I like how much I can lift, and really and truly, if I never lost another pound it would be okay. I love my body, whatever weight it may be.

Well, this weekend, something really interesting happened. I started to love the person I am. Not just my body, not what it can do, but me. My personality, my traits, my habits, my interests, all of these things that make me uniquely me. I've had to accept that I don't have a green thumb, I love nature, but not quite as much as I sometimes wish I did, I love dogs but I can't handle the responsibility right now, and while my degree is in fashion design, I don't intend to use it at all right now. For a long time, or pretty much for always, all of those things bothered me. I talk too much, I share too much, I have anxiety about really stupid things. But without those habits, I wouldn't be who I am. And who I am, right now, right at this moment, is pretty damn awesome. For the first time in my life, I genuinely feel like I have something to offer. Yeah, I talk too much, but it allows me to meet people I may have never had the courage to talk to in the past. I overshare, but that also means that I don't have secrets to try to keep up with. I'm not gung-ho to trek out into the middle of the woods to camp and dig a toilet, but I love the chance to get out into nature for the day and truly enjoy God's creation.

What I'm getting at is that even though I'm not the person I expected myself to be, I'm exactly the person I'm supposed to be. I'm awkward, hilarious, ridiculous and I love the people in my life to a seriously fierce degree. I collect interests like they are going out of style, but that means I can learn something from everyone I encounter.

Obviously, if you know me, you know my love life....haha well, it doesn't exist. And honestly, I never thought I had anything to offer. I could hide behind saying boys didn't like me but really, I didn't like myself. What on earth does a fat, awkward sad sack have to offer someone? But I'm quickly realizing that the person I am right now is really freaking awesome. She's learning to love who she is, flaws and all. And I'm not worth loving just because I'm losing weight. I'm worth it because my heart and soul are finally parts of me I'm proud of. I'm not afraid to put myself out there and be stupid and loud and get intensely passionate about stuff. Sometimes I'll be wrong, and sometimes I'll fail, but as long as I keep loving who I am and who I'm becoming, everything will be okay.

So half of you are like duh, Theresa. Stop being so stupid. But every step I take towards confidence and love is a step away from all of the crap that has held me down for years. And I don't plan to ever look back.

Do you remember when you were young and you wanted to set the world on fire?

I've been listening to Against Me! since middle school. My brother's friend Brian was living with us at the time and I thought he and Chris were the coolest people on the planet. My brother has always sort of been my idol; he's cool and kind and a kick ass drummer and he seems to just rock life. They listened to a lot of stuff that was a little too intense for me, but Against Me! just got me. Tom Gabel was angry and yell-y, but the music cut right through all of my teenage angst. When Brian was living with us, they would listen to Against Me! all the time and I would join them, desperate to fit in and to listen to this band that made me feel SO cool when everything else about me was SO awkward.

My love for them has never really left. Against Me! is my angry driving music, it's good workout music, it's the kind of thing I can yell along to and forget any crap trying to bring me down. Long and short, I've loved this band for a really long time. I've never gone to a show because their pits are a little TOO intense for me. And by a little, I mean a lot. BUT they are playing at Workplay tonight, which has a lovely balcony area for me to not be in with all the moshing punching kids.

So why does this matter? Well, you see, I have confidence issues. Shocker, right? Anyway. Part of this whole lifestyle change yada yada has been increasing my confidence and realizing that no one is judging me as harshly as I'm judging myself. When I went to the Frank Turner show, I actually had to circle the venue twice before I parked because I was so afraid all these punk kids would look at me and be like, she doesn't belong here. I KNOW how ridiculous that is. Trust me. But it's rooted very deep inside me and it's going to take a long time to resolve. So while the thought of the show tonight excites me a great deal, I also have this nagging terror that I'm going to show up in my little sweater and boots and get mocked by the punk kids.

But it's time to let that go. I'm not some fairweather fan, I'm not someone who has never heard of them. I don't have to wear all black, have a ripped up leather jacket, or hair that looks like I haven't washed it in days. Against Me! has been a part of my life for a long time. But even if they hadn't, so what? So what if I was just some girl who thought hey, cheap concert, I think I'll go? No one is going to judge me, or ask me why I'm qualified to come to a punk show. And I need to carry that through other aspects of my life; no one is going to think hey, that girl doesn't belong in the gym. She shouldn't be wearing those pants. What is she thinking trying to ski (more on that later)? We assume the entire world is out to tell us just how much we suck and how unworthy we are of all the things in our life. But they really, really aren't. They're trying to enjoy the show, lift the weights, and make it down the ski slope exactly the same way we are.

We can only hope to do a little better than our parents did. To be a little happier, less cynical. To resent our partners a little less, love our occupations a little more. Figure out a decent work-life balance, follow our hearts wherever they may go. Don't get us wrong; we owe who we are, for better or for worse, to our parents. But we don't want to be them. We may want to emulate some attributes, like kindness to strangers and a willingness to give and give, then give some more. We want to laugh like they do, age gracefully like they have, and appreciate the spirit of nature and everything the woods can teach us.

But we hope to do better. Respect the earth a little more, realize the impact our purchases and decisions make on the world. We want to make a difference; we want to destroy the corrupt politics in favor of an honest, open system. We may not succeed, but we can hope. Just like they hoped when they were our age. For no more wars and bringing our brothers sisters mothers fathers home. For news headlines that don't always start with a count of people killed and wounded.

We hope to leave different impressions on our children. To realize the impact our words and actions have on them. The lasting damage remarks about weight will leave. The unhealthy relationships created by cutting remarks about looks, food, diets. We want to show our children they can do anything, be anything. Being fat isn't the worst thing they could be; and it also isn't something they have to be. We want to teach our children that food is fuel. It is important, but so is exercise. So is loving the outdoors and running around until you collapse in giddy exhaustion.

We want more. We can never repay our parents for everything they have done for us. They have shaped and transformed our worlds. They have created these crazy free thinkers, no longer afraid of what the world will think of them. Our generation is a product of their generation; had they not done what they did, we would not stand where we are today.

So we thank them, we respect them, and we learn from them. To one day show our utmost gratitude by building on, improving, revolutionizing everything they've done.

I wrote a post on Fat Gal Fitness that I want to share with y'all, but I felt like it needed some clarifying. It's a little doomy gloomy, which is not really where I intended to end up when I started it. But nonetheless, that's what came out. It talks about dealing with some past issues that have been resurfacing as of late, but they really are coming up as part of a broader experience I've been having. I think you all know the....erm, untraditional path I've taken to get to where I am today. Degree in fashion design, said no thanks to a job in NYC, lived in hell, worked for the devil, substitute teacher, bakery assistant, to now working at a gym. And while I'm actually really happy with where I am in my life right now, I had the pleasure of a full on breakdown yesterday. It was a little bit of everything;  the old demons, as described in the FGF post, uncertainty about some future plans, and a lot of self doubt that I don't really realize I was carrying around. I've discovered that I'm pretty afraid of failure. Not just the I don't like it way (no one LIKES to fail) but I think I'm so afraid of messing up and people judging me for it that I just don't try things I might have a chance of failing at. I don't think that is a large part of why I'm not in New York, but I think it's at least partially. I want to be an expert at the things I do; I always got frustrated in school if I didn't get new concepts immediately. But when you've graduated school, you have fifty million different interests, you really need to be okay with messing up. All I really know about my life right now is that I like working out, I like eating healthy, I like fashion, and I like helping people. That's it. How do I want to use that? Beats the hell out of me. But I need to be confident in the things I really love doing and go after them, regardless of the chance of failure.

So I guess there's really no moral to this story. It's mostly just my confession that I'm dealing with a lot of mental blocks right now that are trying to derail me and I'm really doing my best to break through them. They've spilled over into a lot of different areas of my life. And this post: http://fatgalfitness.tumblr.com/post/69502054649/ive-been-having-a-hard-time-putting-what-i-want tries to put into words what it's like to try to figure it all out in the context of getting healthy. So if you're daring, head on over. It's not earth shattering stuff; I just felt like I needed some explanation. Overall, I'm really happy with where I am in life today. I like my job, I love my friends, I really am happy. But this whole journey is about honesty, so you have to share the struggles along with the successes.

It's been almost a year since I've been back to Florida. I think last Christmas was the last time I was there. Yeah, I remember. December 15th I left Greensboro FO EVA, moved my stuff to Tuscaloosa (bless Kevin for all of his help with that) and then drove myself and Tux to Spring Hill for a few weeks at home.

Hoo ha, those were a rough few weeks. I was ridiculously depressed, had no idea what I was doing with my life, I was unemployed (unless you count my substitute teaching stint...) and probably in one of the worst places I've been in my life. I think I spent that time at home driving my parents insane and trying to concoct these grand life plans based on nothing.

A lot has changed in a year.

Today, I head home happier than I've been in a long time. I'm on my second job since moving back to Tuscaloosa, but I've loved both of them. I'm over 50 pounds lighter than I was in June, and probably 70+ pounds down from last year. I'm healthier than I've ever been, with goals that line up with the sort of life I want to live. I'm finally working on using my degree (more on that later) and not trying to make up these overwhelming schemes for my life. I'm living it for myself, for right now.

Tomorrow, I will run my first official 5K with Chris and Kathy. The Turkey Trot. The race that has beaten up my brain for the past few years. Not only that, I'm already registered for another 5k in February. I'm training with Sam twice a week, going to Hannah's fitness classes twice a week and running on the weekends. I'm eating 1700 calories a day, which I never imagined would be such a challenging feat. I'm paying attention to what I'm putting in my body and what I'm doing to it. For the first time in a long time, it matters.

I matter. I finally feel like I have some value. A year ago, it really didn't matter if I existed or not. I didn't think I was doing anything of meaning. Now, I know I'm not doing anything of real importance, but I'm living a life that is worth my time. I have really great friends, I get to do the things I want to do and I'm not overly concerned with proving myself to anyone else. God has blessed me in so many ways and it's amazing to see how He has used that year and a half of hell after graduation to transform who I am today.

It's still going to be weird running into people from high school. I don't talk to most of them anymore, and I'm really not at all the same person I was in 2008. And trying to explain to anyone how I ended up with a degree in fashion design, declined a job in NYC and ended up working at a gym in Alabama is confusing even if you've known me for all of that time. But I have to remember that there's no shame in getting lost; it's the getting lost that got me here today. Sure, I could be in New York right now if I wanted to be. But I could also be absolutely miserable. Instead, I'm in a place I like, with people I love, working on getting to where I someday hope to be.

To love God and love people to Jesus

There are a lot of people who subscribe to the notion that "you don't have to go to church every Sunday to be a good Christian." And they are absolutely right. You can cultivate your relationship with Jesus Christ totally on your own, and even share His love with others without ever setting foot inside of a church. But people who feel that way are missing out on SO much that they don't even realize.

 

I used to use that saying all the time. In college, I went to the Well fairly regularly, but I hardly ever went to church on Sundays. And even when I went to the Well, I wasn't growing. I was going for an hour and a half, listening to some loud Jesus music and an amazing speaker, then going home and letting it end there. I wasn't sharing what I was learning with others, or gaining new perspectives from other Christians. I was punching my Christian punch card and leaving it at the door.

 

I understand this idea that churches can be narrow-minded, off-putting places. I really do. There are certain beliefs in my own church that I don't necessarily agree with. But that's the beauty of it; I don't have to agree. I can go to church, learn about the way others believe and why. I can share my experiences with them, where my beliefs stem from, and we can learn from one another and grow. You are going to run into narrow-minded, off-putting people all over the place, so why would that stop you from going to church? If you go to one that doesn't welcome you, don't go back. Church is meant to be a loving place where we (as FLBC puts it) love God and love people to Jesus.

 

So like I said, you can be a Christian without going to church. You can even be a "good" Christian (whatever that means). But I think we are meant to gather together to celebrate Christ. We grow so much more than we realize when we surround ourselves with like-minded people. When we have other people who care about our walk, who are there to pray for us, to lift us up, we create this powerful community of believers that work together like a family. God is going to sustain you, but give Him the chance to work through others to do so. When He gets the opportunity to connect us, big things happen. God can move in so many more ways when we give Him the chance.

Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

I'm sorry I've neglected this blog since I started Fat Gal Fitness. This blog was more about my personal life and since my personal life has sort of turned into everything I post on Fat Gal Fitness, it didn't seem necessary to update this one as well. But I figured it was time the ol' blogspot got some love.

As the world knows, October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. And as you know, if you know me or have read this blog, I lost my aunt Marika to breast cancer on December 1, 2011.

Marika was an amazing person. She had the strongest faith of anyone I know, continually praising God in every trial she faced. She was an amazing mother to the three children she left behind, who have grown into unbelievably wonderful adults. Her relationship with my mom is the kind of relationship I strive to have with my brother and sister. No matter what, they were there for one another, always there to make every person around them snort with laughter. They were truly Lucy and Ethel. She was my second mom, loving me and encouraging me in every step I took in life. I am incredibly blessed to have had such a close relationship with her.

Having Marika in my life shaped the person I am today in so many ways, some of which I'm sure I haven't even realized yet. I trust God and praise Him even in my darkest hours because she showed me how. She battled cancer for ten years but I cannot tell you that I ever saw her lose her hope, or the inextinguishable joy she found in her love for Jesus Christ. I work hard at everything I do because of the example she set. When she got too sick to go to work, she started making breast cancer awareness bracelets at home, donating the proceeds to her local cancer center, the very one that helped her. That's just the kind of person Marika was; she was totally, utterly selfless. She brought joy to every person she encountered, regardless of what state she might be in. At one of the doctor's appointments I took her to, she spent her time not questioning why this happened to her, what this all means, but asking the doctor about his children, making sure they were still doing well in school.

Not a single day goes by that I don't miss Marika. I still get totally overwhelmed by the fact that she isn't here anymore. Each year that goes by doesn't make it any easier, knowing I'll see her in Heaven someday doesn't make the fact that I can't see her now hurt any less. I just hope that I can live a life that honors her and everything she did for me. She gave me hope, she gave me an example of what a true woman of God is. She showed me that our circumstances don't define us, and our true character can shine in our darkest days.

This year, for breast cancer awareness month, I plan to do my best to honor the life Marika lived and show my support for every person going through this. I also plan to have a little fun with it, because that's what Marika did. She could be feeling totally ill but that didn't stop her from having a dance party with me in the kitchen. I have been making breast cancer awareness bracelets like the ones Marika used to make. If you are interested in buying one, please let me know. I will also be putting a non permanent pink streak in my hair. We used to tease her that we were going to buy her a hot pink or purple wig to wear. And it will be non permanent because come Springtime, I will be cutting and donating my hair to the Pantene Beautiful Lengths program, which provides wigs to women going through treatment for cancer of any kind. I am also in talks with a friend to participate in a breast cancer walk here in town.

How will you honor those who have been affected by cancer? We have to choose to be proactive; I could let my grief swallow me up or I could live proudly, embracing the time God has given me on this earth. The greatest disservice I could do to Marika's memory is to waste my days wallowing and questioning God's wisdom. Marika always said she wasn't a breast cancer survivor, she was a conqueror. So in her honor, that is what I plan to be.

"Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."