Luke 6:31 "Do to others as you would have them do to you."

On Monday evening, there was a near brawl in the street in front of my house. Several neighbors were in the road screaming at each other as cars full of people pulled up and got out to get involved. It culminated in someone almost backing over someone else's child, one lady threatening another with a knife, and a kid pointing his BB gun at a group of girls. I got to watch all of this unfold because they had blocked me into my driveway. So instead of making my way to Nehemiah's for my shift, I got to stand next to my car watching these people I only vaguely knew threaten each other, wondering at what point I needed to call the police. But as quickly as it began, it ended. Someone yelled some final words, mumbled about the fact that I would probably call the cops, and everyone dispersed.

Last night, some of those same ladies filled my dining room as we joked, laughed and got the chance to know one another. We shared a meal, swapped stories, and the two main instigators of the fight Monday night showed up together, not a single ounce of animosity remaining.

I'm learning a lot this year.

I don't want to make it seem like I am this grand martyr for living where I live. I moved there because a friend of mine had a house for rent, it was near the church, and I could (just barely) afford it. It's a very different neighborhood than what I'm used to, and I'm surrounded by a different demographic than I encounter in my everyday life. I work in a predominantly white area of town. The people that live out there are comfortably middle class and above. If people started screaming at each other in the middle of the road in Clear Creek, you best believe cops would be called.

Where I live, most of my neighbors are lower-income, many of them single-parent households. Some are on disability, some work all hours of the day. Some just moved to town, some have lived in Tuscaloosa all of their lives. And I'll just say it flat out - most of them are black.

Tuscaloosa has a long history of racial tension and flat out violence. It's shameful, it's wrong, and it's still something our town is dealing with on a daily basis. In an ideal world, that history and being immersed in it everyday wouldn't shade my personal views. I've lived my life with the intention of never making assumptions about someone based on their race, gender, class, sexual orientation...you get the picture. I intend for my views of people to be based on my direct interactions with them and their character. But we don't live in bubbles. Hearing racist remarks, seeing how people are treated differently is going to affect you.

I say all of this to say that when I moved into my house, I didn't know what the heck I was getting myself into. I didn't realize that I had let so many years surrounded by casual racism color my views. I was nervous when my neighbor was walking down the street late at night. I wasn't sure what to expect when I saw a car full of guys just idling outside my neighbor's house. And I reacted with serious terror when I had that red laser incident a few weeks back. Would I have reacted that way if it happened in my old house? Honestly, it's impossible to say, but I can venture a guess. 

So instead of accepting that I had let society color my views in a racist manner, I decided to do something about it. Or rather, God decided to do something about it. See, I genuinely believe that God placed me where I am today. I spent so many months stressing about where I would live this year and then two weeks before I had to be out of the old house, this opportunity presented itself. When I didn't think I could afford it, God provided a way. And as I prepared to move, I could feel God calling me to reach out to my neighborhood. Not in a superficial way. In a way that pours out His love. Not as the little white girl that moved into the neighborhood, but as the woman of God who recognizes that everyone is called to be a part of His kingdom. It doesn't matter what color you are, how much money you make, how much time you spend walking up and down the street, or what you choose to spend your money on. We are all His children. And I think somewhere along the way it's really easy to forget that.

I'm sure a lot of my neighbors laugh at me. When I see any of them outside, I wave and greet them with a big grin. If I don't know them, it doesn't matter. I can either be afraid of the unknown or turn them into friends. I have to consistently, consciously choose the latter. In doing so, I've come to realize that the cultural differences don't matter. More importantly, they don't exist just because I'm white and they're black. They exist because of the manner in which we all grew up. When my neighbors that had been screaming at each other Monday night walked into my house arm in arm last night, I about hit the floor. But I've come to realize that everyone resolves their issues differently. For them, screaming in the street satisfied whatever need they had. While it may be a misguided way to handle anger, it didn't happen because they were black. And not every black person handles their anger that way. It's when we make these sweeping generalizations that we get in trouble.

So what is the point of this post? Because it sure is getting long. As part of my intentional outreach to my neighbors, I hosted a potluck at my house last night. I normally host a bible study on Thursday nights, so myself, the girls in my study, along with some other friends and another Forest Lake bible study group got together to provide food and community for those that live around me. I printed out flyers and Maleea and I walked around to the eight or so houses closest to mine. It was terrifying, I got some strange looks, but in the end I was so grateful to God for the courage to open myself and my home up to those around me.

And you know what? God is SO good. Not only did my friends fill my house with their warmth and love and of course some seriously delicious food, but some of my neighbors actually showed up! Three different households came, including some that I hadn't actually gotten to meet in person. We talked about work, families, pets, the neighborhood, and everything in between. One of the ladies' granddaughters played Yahtzee with my friends, while I got to bond with a neighbor's daughter over coffee and school projects. We all came together to get to know one another. And they all left with smiles on their faces and the promise to do this again. And I genuinely believe we will. One of the ladies said no one has ever done that, just invite everyone to come together. So it's encouraging that they want it. I want to love the people around me. I'm really good at doing that with food. My friends are really good at doing that with conversation. So if we keep pushing, keep striving to build this community, it's going to happen. And that's a really beautiful thing.

I obviously still have a long road ahead of me. Our town has a VERY long road ahead of it. But I'll continue to give God the glory and authority in my life. But I really believe that if we submit to Him, He will keep us in the center of His will. And my life has never made more sense than when I let go and let Him have control. I will continue to fail, I will continue to try to take control again, but He's got me. He's patient with me, even when I'm not patient with myself. And with His help, I will break down barriers and build up a loving community in my tiny piece of town.

(Oh, and the title? Yeah. I started googling my house number in bible verses and Luke 6:31 is just ridiculously appropriate.)

Yesterday I gave an apple to a homeless man and honestly, it wrecked me.

I was hurrying from work to try to get to Lifeway before I had to be at my shift at Nehemiah's, when I stopped at the red light at 459 & McFarland. I had my windows down, but as I approached the intersection, I noticed a homeless man, so I rolled it up. But when I saw his sign, which simply said "HOMELESS HUNGRY", I realized I still had an apple in my lunch bag. So I rolled my window down and gave it to him. He thanked me, then turned around, rubbed it on his dirty sleeve, and squatted down to start eating it.

The sheer gratitude on his face, for such a simple act, wrecked me. I was overwhelmed by my emotions, by the fact that such a simple act could mean so much to someone, that I was shaking and I couldn't breathe. I have a very "New York" knee-jerk reaction to the homeless, or anyone trying to hand me a flyer for a "free comedy show". Eyes forward, no interaction, ignore their requests. It was sort of drilled into me in my time in the city, and as a young female, society has forced me to be cautious about strangers I interact with. So when I am asked for money, I say no. Even the poor directv guys at Sam's Club have felt the weight of my non-acknowledging cold shoulder. I don't want your flyers, or your tv service, and I'm not going to give you money.

But yesterday I was overwhelmed by the fact that maybe it's time to open up. It's time to stop dehumanizing others. There are going to be people who take advantage of your charity. There are going to be people in this world who are actually trying to harm you. And there are going to be some truly terrible comedy shows. But using a few bad experiences to entirely write off a group of people? To refrain from giving to someone who is truly in need because I don't approve of how they are going to use my gift? That's unacceptable. Maybe the guy on the corner is going to use my money for beer. Maybe his wife isn't ill, maybe he has food at home, maybe his car didn't really break down.

But what if she is? What if he doesn't? What if it did? If I were in that situation, if I were so lost, so broken, so helpless, that I had to stand on the side of the road with a cardboard sign, I would want help. I would want prayer. And I would want that skeptical girl to give me a chance, roll down the window, and give me an apple.

I think the thing that wrecked me the most about my encounter yesterday was the sheer gravity of it all; I can't help everyone. There are so many people in need in this world, and even just in our own city, and I can't help them all. There's very little I can do for any of them, really. And I look at my own life, and the opportunities I've been afforded, and the chances people have taken on me, and I have to do SOMETHING. I don't know what, I don't know how, but I pray that God won't let me easily forget how I felt yesterday. That He will use this yearning in me to make a difference and to reach out to the lost and the broken. I pray for the courage to use the gifts He's given me to brighten their worlds. Jesus came to be a light to this world, to heal the brokenness. As a Christian, I'm called to share his light with the world. And I just pray He gives me the guts to do it.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Tonight is the first night I was made to feel unsafe in my own home. And I'm angry, and unsettled, and the only way I can work through it is to write. So here we are.

Someone shined a red laser through my front windows tonight. They tracked me and Rebecca in my house with it, and when I got down on the floor they shined it through the other front window on me. It was terrifying, because I had no idea what it was or who was doing it. I moved to the back of the house, but when I came back up front they started again. I called the police, who said if it happened again they would start knocking on doors waking people up to figure out who did it.

It's very possible it was just one of the neighbor kids messing around with a toy laser. It's possible someone was just trying to be funny. But it's not okay that I had to feel that fear. That I had to feel powerless in my own home.

I'm going to do what I need to do to feel safe here; different locks, heavier curtains so people can't see in so easily, etc. But the realization of how easy it is for someone to hurt me has shaken me a good bit tonight.

There are several things about this neighborhood that are different from places I've lived in the past. For the most part, I'm surrounded by low income families. Mostly single parents, with a lot of kids that have less supervision than they should. But until tonight, I've felt welcome. And I've felt safe. I've made an effort to meet my neighbors, to let them know who I am, and that all I want to do is get to know them and love on them. And this incident reinforces my desire to really get to know them. So I know when there are people around who shouldn't be. So I know who to feel comfortable around.

Maybe I overreacted. Maybe I should have just ripped the front door open and started yelling. But I was scared. Really scared. How do I know someone isn't outside my home that wants to harm me?

I don't know what I'm really supposed to take away from this evening. I've been outside since, and I really do generally feel safe here. I like my neighbors, and I feel like God can use me in this place. As I laid on the floor waiting for the cops to show up, I prayed with my mom on the phone. For God's protection, for the removal of evil from around this house. And really, that's the thing that's keeping me here and keeping me sane tonight. I'm not going to let someone scare me out of my own home. I'm not going to let someone scare me away from sharing God's love with the people around me. This is my home now, too. And I deserve to feel safe and loved and protected.

When did I get so bad at being alone?

First, learn how to make yourself happy.

Not too long ago, I wrote on Fat Gal Fitness about finally loving my body and everything it can do. That was a huge step for me. I've always hated it and felt like it betrayed me, so to finally love it for exactly what it is was like becoming a whole new person.

Loving my body means when I get dressed, I like what I see. I like the way my clothes fit, I like how much I can lift, and really and truly, if I never lost another pound it would be okay. I love my body, whatever weight it may be.

Well, this weekend, something really interesting happened. I started to love the person I am. Not just my body, not what it can do, but me. My personality, my traits, my habits, my interests, all of these things that make me uniquely me. I've had to accept that I don't have a green thumb, I love nature, but not quite as much as I sometimes wish I did, I love dogs but I can't handle the responsibility right now, and while my degree is in fashion design, I don't intend to use it at all right now. For a long time, or pretty much for always, all of those things bothered me. I talk too much, I share too much, I have anxiety about really stupid things. But without those habits, I wouldn't be who I am. And who I am, right now, right at this moment, is pretty damn awesome. For the first time in my life, I genuinely feel like I have something to offer. Yeah, I talk too much, but it allows me to meet people I may have never had the courage to talk to in the past. I overshare, but that also means that I don't have secrets to try to keep up with. I'm not gung-ho to trek out into the middle of the woods to camp and dig a toilet, but I love the chance to get out into nature for the day and truly enjoy God's creation.

What I'm getting at is that even though I'm not the person I expected myself to be, I'm exactly the person I'm supposed to be. I'm awkward, hilarious, ridiculous and I love the people in my life to a seriously fierce degree. I collect interests like they are going out of style, but that means I can learn something from everyone I encounter.

Obviously, if you know me, you know my love life....haha well, it doesn't exist. And honestly, I never thought I had anything to offer. I could hide behind saying boys didn't like me but really, I didn't like myself. What on earth does a fat, awkward sad sack have to offer someone? But I'm quickly realizing that the person I am right now is really freaking awesome. She's learning to love who she is, flaws and all. And I'm not worth loving just because I'm losing weight. I'm worth it because my heart and soul are finally parts of me I'm proud of. I'm not afraid to put myself out there and be stupid and loud and get intensely passionate about stuff. Sometimes I'll be wrong, and sometimes I'll fail, but as long as I keep loving who I am and who I'm becoming, everything will be okay.

So half of you are like duh, Theresa. Stop being so stupid. But every step I take towards confidence and love is a step away from all of the crap that has held me down for years. And I don't plan to ever look back.

Do you remember when you were young and you wanted to set the world on fire?

I've been listening to Against Me! since middle school. My brother's friend Brian was living with us at the time and I thought he and Chris were the coolest people on the planet. My brother has always sort of been my idol; he's cool and kind and a kick ass drummer and he seems to just rock life. They listened to a lot of stuff that was a little too intense for me, but Against Me! just got me. Tom Gabel was angry and yell-y, but the music cut right through all of my teenage angst. When Brian was living with us, they would listen to Against Me! all the time and I would join them, desperate to fit in and to listen to this band that made me feel SO cool when everything else about me was SO awkward.

My love for them has never really left. Against Me! is my angry driving music, it's good workout music, it's the kind of thing I can yell along to and forget any crap trying to bring me down. Long and short, I've loved this band for a really long time. I've never gone to a show because their pits are a little TOO intense for me. And by a little, I mean a lot. BUT they are playing at Workplay tonight, which has a lovely balcony area for me to not be in with all the moshing punching kids.

So why does this matter? Well, you see, I have confidence issues. Shocker, right? Anyway. Part of this whole lifestyle change yada yada has been increasing my confidence and realizing that no one is judging me as harshly as I'm judging myself. When I went to the Frank Turner show, I actually had to circle the venue twice before I parked because I was so afraid all these punk kids would look at me and be like, she doesn't belong here. I KNOW how ridiculous that is. Trust me. But it's rooted very deep inside me and it's going to take a long time to resolve. So while the thought of the show tonight excites me a great deal, I also have this nagging terror that I'm going to show up in my little sweater and boots and get mocked by the punk kids.

But it's time to let that go. I'm not some fairweather fan, I'm not someone who has never heard of them. I don't have to wear all black, have a ripped up leather jacket, or hair that looks like I haven't washed it in days. Against Me! has been a part of my life for a long time. But even if they hadn't, so what? So what if I was just some girl who thought hey, cheap concert, I think I'll go? No one is going to judge me, or ask me why I'm qualified to come to a punk show. And I need to carry that through other aspects of my life; no one is going to think hey, that girl doesn't belong in the gym. She shouldn't be wearing those pants. What is she thinking trying to ski (more on that later)? We assume the entire world is out to tell us just how much we suck and how unworthy we are of all the things in our life. But they really, really aren't. They're trying to enjoy the show, lift the weights, and make it down the ski slope exactly the same way we are.

We can only hope to do a little better than our parents did. To be a little happier, less cynical. To resent our partners a little less, love our occupations a little more. Figure out a decent work-life balance, follow our hearts wherever they may go. Don't get us wrong; we owe who we are, for better or for worse, to our parents. But we don't want to be them. We may want to emulate some attributes, like kindness to strangers and a willingness to give and give, then give some more. We want to laugh like they do, age gracefully like they have, and appreciate the spirit of nature and everything the woods can teach us.

But we hope to do better. Respect the earth a little more, realize the impact our purchases and decisions make on the world. We want to make a difference; we want to destroy the corrupt politics in favor of an honest, open system. We may not succeed, but we can hope. Just like they hoped when they were our age. For no more wars and bringing our brothers sisters mothers fathers home. For news headlines that don't always start with a count of people killed and wounded.

We hope to leave different impressions on our children. To realize the impact our words and actions have on them. The lasting damage remarks about weight will leave. The unhealthy relationships created by cutting remarks about looks, food, diets. We want to show our children they can do anything, be anything. Being fat isn't the worst thing they could be; and it also isn't something they have to be. We want to teach our children that food is fuel. It is important, but so is exercise. So is loving the outdoors and running around until you collapse in giddy exhaustion.

We want more. We can never repay our parents for everything they have done for us. They have shaped and transformed our worlds. They have created these crazy free thinkers, no longer afraid of what the world will think of them. Our generation is a product of their generation; had they not done what they did, we would not stand where we are today.

So we thank them, we respect them, and we learn from them. To one day show our utmost gratitude by building on, improving, revolutionizing everything they've done.

I wrote a post on Fat Gal Fitness that I want to share with y'all, but I felt like it needed some clarifying. It's a little doomy gloomy, which is not really where I intended to end up when I started it. But nonetheless, that's what came out. It talks about dealing with some past issues that have been resurfacing as of late, but they really are coming up as part of a broader experience I've been having. I think you all know the....erm, untraditional path I've taken to get to where I am today. Degree in fashion design, said no thanks to a job in NYC, lived in hell, worked for the devil, substitute teacher, bakery assistant, to now working at a gym. And while I'm actually really happy with where I am in my life right now, I had the pleasure of a full on breakdown yesterday. It was a little bit of everything;  the old demons, as described in the FGF post, uncertainty about some future plans, and a lot of self doubt that I don't really realize I was carrying around. I've discovered that I'm pretty afraid of failure. Not just the I don't like it way (no one LIKES to fail) but I think I'm so afraid of messing up and people judging me for it that I just don't try things I might have a chance of failing at. I don't think that is a large part of why I'm not in New York, but I think it's at least partially. I want to be an expert at the things I do; I always got frustrated in school if I didn't get new concepts immediately. But when you've graduated school, you have fifty million different interests, you really need to be okay with messing up. All I really know about my life right now is that I like working out, I like eating healthy, I like fashion, and I like helping people. That's it. How do I want to use that? Beats the hell out of me. But I need to be confident in the things I really love doing and go after them, regardless of the chance of failure.

So I guess there's really no moral to this story. It's mostly just my confession that I'm dealing with a lot of mental blocks right now that are trying to derail me and I'm really doing my best to break through them. They've spilled over into a lot of different areas of my life. And this post: http://fatgalfitness.tumblr.com/post/69502054649/ive-been-having-a-hard-time-putting-what-i-want tries to put into words what it's like to try to figure it all out in the context of getting healthy. So if you're daring, head on over. It's not earth shattering stuff; I just felt like I needed some explanation. Overall, I'm really happy with where I am in life today. I like my job, I love my friends, I really am happy. But this whole journey is about honesty, so you have to share the struggles along with the successes.

It's been almost a year since I've been back to Florida. I think last Christmas was the last time I was there. Yeah, I remember. December 15th I left Greensboro FO EVA, moved my stuff to Tuscaloosa (bless Kevin for all of his help with that) and then drove myself and Tux to Spring Hill for a few weeks at home.

Hoo ha, those were a rough few weeks. I was ridiculously depressed, had no idea what I was doing with my life, I was unemployed (unless you count my substitute teaching stint...) and probably in one of the worst places I've been in my life. I think I spent that time at home driving my parents insane and trying to concoct these grand life plans based on nothing.

A lot has changed in a year.

Today, I head home happier than I've been in a long time. I'm on my second job since moving back to Tuscaloosa, but I've loved both of them. I'm over 50 pounds lighter than I was in June, and probably 70+ pounds down from last year. I'm healthier than I've ever been, with goals that line up with the sort of life I want to live. I'm finally working on using my degree (more on that later) and not trying to make up these overwhelming schemes for my life. I'm living it for myself, for right now.

Tomorrow, I will run my first official 5K with Chris and Kathy. The Turkey Trot. The race that has beaten up my brain for the past few years. Not only that, I'm already registered for another 5k in February. I'm training with Sam twice a week, going to Hannah's fitness classes twice a week and running on the weekends. I'm eating 1700 calories a day, which I never imagined would be such a challenging feat. I'm paying attention to what I'm putting in my body and what I'm doing to it. For the first time in a long time, it matters.

I matter. I finally feel like I have some value. A year ago, it really didn't matter if I existed or not. I didn't think I was doing anything of meaning. Now, I know I'm not doing anything of real importance, but I'm living a life that is worth my time. I have really great friends, I get to do the things I want to do and I'm not overly concerned with proving myself to anyone else. God has blessed me in so many ways and it's amazing to see how He has used that year and a half of hell after graduation to transform who I am today.

It's still going to be weird running into people from high school. I don't talk to most of them anymore, and I'm really not at all the same person I was in 2008. And trying to explain to anyone how I ended up with a degree in fashion design, declined a job in NYC and ended up working at a gym in Alabama is confusing even if you've known me for all of that time. But I have to remember that there's no shame in getting lost; it's the getting lost that got me here today. Sure, I could be in New York right now if I wanted to be. But I could also be absolutely miserable. Instead, I'm in a place I like, with people I love, working on getting to where I someday hope to be.

To love God and love people to Jesus

There are a lot of people who subscribe to the notion that "you don't have to go to church every Sunday to be a good Christian." And they are absolutely right. You can cultivate your relationship with Jesus Christ totally on your own, and even share His love with others without ever setting foot inside of a church. But people who feel that way are missing out on SO much that they don't even realize.

 

I used to use that saying all the time. In college, I went to the Well fairly regularly, but I hardly ever went to church on Sundays. And even when I went to the Well, I wasn't growing. I was going for an hour and a half, listening to some loud Jesus music and an amazing speaker, then going home and letting it end there. I wasn't sharing what I was learning with others, or gaining new perspectives from other Christians. I was punching my Christian punch card and leaving it at the door.

 

I understand this idea that churches can be narrow-minded, off-putting places. I really do. There are certain beliefs in my own church that I don't necessarily agree with. But that's the beauty of it; I don't have to agree. I can go to church, learn about the way others believe and why. I can share my experiences with them, where my beliefs stem from, and we can learn from one another and grow. You are going to run into narrow-minded, off-putting people all over the place, so why would that stop you from going to church? If you go to one that doesn't welcome you, don't go back. Church is meant to be a loving place where we (as FLBC puts it) love God and love people to Jesus.

 

So like I said, you can be a Christian without going to church. You can even be a "good" Christian (whatever that means). But I think we are meant to gather together to celebrate Christ. We grow so much more than we realize when we surround ourselves with like-minded people. When we have other people who care about our walk, who are there to pray for us, to lift us up, we create this powerful community of believers that work together like a family. God is going to sustain you, but give Him the chance to work through others to do so. When He gets the opportunity to connect us, big things happen. God can move in so many more ways when we give Him the chance.

Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

I'm sorry I've neglected this blog since I started Fat Gal Fitness. This blog was more about my personal life and since my personal life has sort of turned into everything I post on Fat Gal Fitness, it didn't seem necessary to update this one as well. But I figured it was time the ol' blogspot got some love.

As the world knows, October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. And as you know, if you know me or have read this blog, I lost my aunt Marika to breast cancer on December 1, 2011.

Marika was an amazing person. She had the strongest faith of anyone I know, continually praising God in every trial she faced. She was an amazing mother to the three children she left behind, who have grown into unbelievably wonderful adults. Her relationship with my mom is the kind of relationship I strive to have with my brother and sister. No matter what, they were there for one another, always there to make every person around them snort with laughter. They were truly Lucy and Ethel. She was my second mom, loving me and encouraging me in every step I took in life. I am incredibly blessed to have had such a close relationship with her.

Having Marika in my life shaped the person I am today in so many ways, some of which I'm sure I haven't even realized yet. I trust God and praise Him even in my darkest hours because she showed me how. She battled cancer for ten years but I cannot tell you that I ever saw her lose her hope, or the inextinguishable joy she found in her love for Jesus Christ. I work hard at everything I do because of the example she set. When she got too sick to go to work, she started making breast cancer awareness bracelets at home, donating the proceeds to her local cancer center, the very one that helped her. That's just the kind of person Marika was; she was totally, utterly selfless. She brought joy to every person she encountered, regardless of what state she might be in. At one of the doctor's appointments I took her to, she spent her time not questioning why this happened to her, what this all means, but asking the doctor about his children, making sure they were still doing well in school.

Not a single day goes by that I don't miss Marika. I still get totally overwhelmed by the fact that she isn't here anymore. Each year that goes by doesn't make it any easier, knowing I'll see her in Heaven someday doesn't make the fact that I can't see her now hurt any less. I just hope that I can live a life that honors her and everything she did for me. She gave me hope, she gave me an example of what a true woman of God is. She showed me that our circumstances don't define us, and our true character can shine in our darkest days.

This year, for breast cancer awareness month, I plan to do my best to honor the life Marika lived and show my support for every person going through this. I also plan to have a little fun with it, because that's what Marika did. She could be feeling totally ill but that didn't stop her from having a dance party with me in the kitchen. I have been making breast cancer awareness bracelets like the ones Marika used to make. If you are interested in buying one, please let me know. I will also be putting a non permanent pink streak in my hair. We used to tease her that we were going to buy her a hot pink or purple wig to wear. And it will be non permanent because come Springtime, I will be cutting and donating my hair to the Pantene Beautiful Lengths program, which provides wigs to women going through treatment for cancer of any kind. I am also in talks with a friend to participate in a breast cancer walk here in town.

How will you honor those who have been affected by cancer? We have to choose to be proactive; I could let my grief swallow me up or I could live proudly, embracing the time God has given me on this earth. The greatest disservice I could do to Marika's memory is to waste my days wallowing and questioning God's wisdom. Marika always said she wasn't a breast cancer survivor, she was a conqueror. So in her honor, that is what I plan to be.

"Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

So everything I talked about last time I posted? Still going well. FLBC is such an awesome church home. I've made some really, really awesome friends and grown a lot in my relationship with God.

The weight loss saga...is still chugging along! I've lost 35 pounds since June. How crazy is that? I feel amazing. I go to the gym basically every day, or at the very least work out every day. I also have a new blog dedicated to the journey -- fatgalfitness.tumblr.com. Go follow it!

Life is good. I had more to say but y'all, I'm tired. So until next time.

Psalm 118:29 "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever."

Geez I'm bad at this updating thing. Oh well. I have about 20 minutes before I have to leave for work so I figured I'd do a quick update. Last time I posted was the day I got saved. Man, how am I going to top that post? Guess I can't, so I won't even try. I got baptized last month though, so that's pretty awesome. It's amazing how in such a short time God cut through to my heart and brought me into his family while giving me enough confidence to share that with so many people. I found out the day before I got baptized that a good friend of mine had been praying for me for a while to come to Jesus and make that decision. How awesome is that? I'm still working on my prayer life, but how cool is it to know other people are praying for you and asking God to work in your life? That made me cry (cause I'm a sap, and it's awesome) and made me so happy to know I've surrounded myself with such amazing people.

Let's see, what else...oh, we moved into the new house last week! Well, I guess almost two weeks ago now. Wow, that's weird. It's pretty awesome. It's just the right size for us and it's not trying to fall apart like the terrible Allied death trap was. We have a nice size backyard with a fire pit, treehouse and creek, which is totally awesome. Amber and I have our bedrooms upstairs and we share a bathroom and Corey has his own room and bathroom downstairs. We also have a craft room and an obscene amount of attic storage space. It's really, really good. :)

Work is still good. We have kids camp all summer, which is quite an exhausting experience, but really fun to teach kids about the bakery. I'm still struggling with the what am I doing with my life question but at least for now I have a good job and a place to live so maybe I can calm myself down for a bit. (Probably not.)

Remember how every few months I post about trying to lose weight? Haha yeah...here it goes again. But this time really, genuinely, is different. My life is in a pretty positive place and I'm not just making temporary changes. I've been going to the Faucett Brothers Center regularly for...almost five months? Maybe four. I don't know. Anyway. I go to a Dance Fusion class twice a week and water aerobics once a week (don't laugh, it's awesome) and then I have a personal trainer twice a week. And then he gives me "homework" for the days I'm not there. It's really awesome and I'm kind of becoming one of those crazy people who gets antsy when they don't work out. It's weird, right? I've also been using MyFitnessPal to track my calories, which has been a huge help. It's mostly about making better choices and not eating cookies and junk from work. Don't get me wrong, we make AMAZING stuff at the bakery, but when you pop a cookie here, steal a bite there, it definitely adds up. So even though we have free lunch at work, I've taken to packing my own lunch and bringing snacks so I'm not tempted by the yummy, yummy cookies. I think it's been going really well. I've lost some weight, gone down a size or two and I just in general feel better. I know it's going to take a LONG time for me to get to this idealistic "goal weight" but for now I'm just enjoying the progress. Which I think is why this time is different. Sure, I'm impatient and I'd love to be a size 8 like, now, but the little things, like my shorts literally falling off because they are too big, have been quite entertaining. My trainer and fitness class instructor are really ridiculously awesome and have been amazing at keeping me motivated. It's going to be a long journey, but I finally feel like it's moving in the right direction.

It's really amazing to look back at where I was a year ago versus where I am today. I'm still utterly lost on the what am I doing with my life question, but I'm happy. I have strong faith to stand on and an amazing group of people to surround myself with. I feel so blessed that God has led me to this point. I know that Greensboro was a terrible decision, and maybe not moving to New York was a bad idea, but overall God has used all of those decisions to strengthen who I am. I genuinely believe I was meant to end up here and I really can't wait to see how He plans to use my life to further his kingdom.

Romans 5:1-2 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

As most of you know, I've pretty much always identified myself as a Christian. I didn't grow up going to church, but I started going off and on in high school. I don't read the Bible as much as I should, I don't know all of the stories, and I've always had my doubts. So I think most of you know I've also pretty much always struggled with my faith. What I really believe, what it means, and how my life should reflect it.

I'm still not really clear on a lot of things, but today God laid something big on my heart. Like I said, I've always called myself a Christian but if I am really truly honest with myself, I don't think I ever prayed that prayer. I never really asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart and transform my life. I never claimed him as my personal savior and accepted the implications and profound changes to my life that should come with that. But this morning at church God was like hey, it's time. Money where your mouth is, essentially. So a few minutes into the service I felt God stirring in me the need to make the personal and public declaration of my faith and ask Jesus into my heart. I spent the rest of the service ready to burst out of my seat and say hey church! So when the alter call came I knew God was leading me to the front so I joined Brother Donnie and he helped me to pray for God to lead my life. I cried a lot, but this isn't something to be taken lightly. I should feel this passionately about the decision to ask Jesus into my life. I can't ignore His call anymore. I need to open my heart and my mind to the life He wants for me.

After the service I was joined up front by all the new friends I've made at Forest Lake Baptist. That was really overwhelming. In a few short weeks I have made some amazing friends and connected with so many people. Being congratulated and loved on by an entire church is really something special.

It's like a huge weight has been lifted from my heart and I have this overflowing joy that no one can take away. We talked in Sunday School a lot about the difference between happiness and joy and using our challenges and tribulations to glorify God rather than blaming him for our hardships. I know that my life is not suddenly going to become perfect and my doubts aren't suddenly going to go away, but the pure joy that comes from Jesus Christ goes so far beyond the troubles of this world. I finally feel confident in my heart that I will get to see Marika and Nagymama again. I know how proud they must be of the decision I made today. I feel like I've removed a stumbling block that has been holding me back from a true walk with God. Now that I've made this decision I can focus my energies on living a life to glorify God and learning more about His heart and character. Glory glory to God!

What we gained from April 27, 2011.

I kind of hate anniversaries of sad events. Everyone saying "never forget" and all of that. As if any of us involved could ever forget the tornado. April 27, 2011 represents a day when the city of Tuscaloosa lost a lot. We lost loved ones, friends, coworkers, pets. We lost businesses, homes, infrastructure. We lost trees, beautiful trees, without which the city still sometimes looks like a barren wasteland. No one can come into our city even two years later and say, well, y'all didn't lose THAT much. We lost a lot. But you know what? We gained even more.

On April 27, 2011, we gained a community that doesn't back down in the face of adversity. We gained new friends, the kind of friends who show up without being asked and help you without expecting anything in return. I gained new friends in the form of some good old boys with chainsaws yelling, you want those trees out of your living room? (YES PLEASE!) We gained a love for and pride in this city like I've never seen anywhere else. We gained the knowledge that in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, when your neighbor needs you, you don't hesitate. I gained a special place in my heart for Capstone Church when three of their college ministry members showed up to my apartment and helped me carry down what belongings I was able to salvage. I gained a true knowledge of what it means to be a Southerner. That sometimes, the most you can do is bring all of the food you could cook at your restaurant to those of us digging through the aftermath and say, I'm so sorry honey, please take a biscuit. I hope those business owners know that was exactly what we needed. I gained the knowledge that being part of this city really means being part of a giant family that looks out for one another. I gained a connection to this place that will never be broken.

Most importantly, I gained a home. When I graduated from The University of Alabama, I was lost. I knew the career path I was supposed to take; assistant designer at a huge corporation in New York City. I had the job. What I didn't have was a love for that job and the life that came along with it. I wavered a lot, eventually ending up in a city that felt cold and unwelcoming. It took only four and a half months to realize I was missing my home. Not my where I grew up, where my parents are home, but the home where my heart belongs. There are a lot of reasons I feel tied to Tuscaloosa. I loved my college experience, I love the friends I made, and I love the people here. But nothing bound me as tightly to this city as my experiences during and immediately following April 27, 2011. That draw back here is what allowed me to really find myself and what I have a passion for. I have a job I love, friends that mean the world to me and plans for my future all thanks to Tuscaloosa.

So yes, be sad for the people who lost loved ones that day. Pray that they may find peace. Be sad that it is going to take years for those trees to come back. Feel a little uncomfortable about being able to see clear to DCH from the interstate. But don't you dare feel sad for our city. We are strong and we are thriving. Tuscaloosa has taken a very intentional approach to rebuilding after that tornado. Be happy about all of the businesses that have returned, as well as the new ones who have had an opportunity to become a part of our city. Be proud of the identity that was revealed after April 27, 2011. We are a strong, proud community of people who don't dare back down, no matter what the circumstances.

“The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things.”

So I'm stuck in bed for the next two days because of bronchitis, I almost passed out twice this morning and a few days ago I nearly sliced the top of my middle finger off with a kitchen knife. But you know what? I'm happy.

Obviously, I'm not overly pleased with the ways in which the universe is trying to get me, but everything else going on in my life right now means that I can handle all of this and be okay. I love my job. Every day kicks my butt a little bit, but I'm learning so much. All of the ladies I work with are absolutely amazing and make me excited to go to work every day. I feel valued. I came into this job with zero kitchen experience but Mary immediately made me feel like part of the bakery family. She's teaching me a little bit of everything, from how to make quiche to icing cookies to little things that are important aspects of running a small business. I think the best part is that is just part of who Mary is. She makes everyone she interacts with feel valued. All of our delivery drivers get to be part of the bakery family and are on a first name basis with her. They sit and chat for a bit after they bring our deliveries and Mary always sends them off with full bellies and a few treats for the road. The first time I saw her interact with one of our delivery guys I gained so much respect for her. Since Chris works for UPS, I notice how people treat truck drivers and delivery guys. It means a lot and leaves an impression when one of your businesses makes it a point to show you respect.

I'm working Saturdays now, which is definitely something new for me. I've always worked in an office and my work always fit around my school schedule. Now that I have a big girl job, it's so strange. But I definitely enjoy working Saturdays because we are always busy and I learn so much. I get to help with wedding cake deliveries, work with a ton of customers, and see how much this town appreciates small business. It's also kind of nice having Sunday and Monday off because I feel like I can get a lot done on those days. I'm sure once the weather is consistently nice I'll be a little sad to work Saturdays, but I went into this knowing a lot of food work is going to be on Saturdays.

I threw Lindsay's baby shower. It was so much fun! The theme was yellow and gray and baby elephants. :) I know that I want to work in events eventually so it was a really fun practice run and it was really great to hang out with some good friends. I hope Lindsay enjoyed it because I had a blast. I made lemon and strawberry cakes from scratch with cream cheese buttercream icing piped on in rosettes. LOVED IT! And I made flower bombs for party favors. I think they are so cool.

I've been baking a ton. Lots of pictures of things are on facebook if you want to see. Whoopie Pies, cream puffs, lots of cakes, cookies, biscuits, anything that looks interesting. I made a dreamsicle cheesecake for Kevin's birthday. I'm REALLY proud of that one. It's amazing how much joy I get out of cooking/baking. I know once I'm doing it on a larger scale in a business setting it will be different, but I know that I will still love it.

I'm really loving where I'm at in life right now. I've been struggling these past few months with some pretty serious self esteem issues and they've really been wearing me down. The past few weeks though, I've been praying a lot about it and really asking God to give me the strength and the confidence to be the person He wants me to be. I just want to stop worrying so much about what other people think and be confident in the person that I am. So that's a work in progress, but we're getting there. Slowly.

I do loooove my living situation at the moment, though. I knew the night I met Rebecca that we were meant to be roommates. We have a blast and I'm so blessed to get to live with her. I'm sad we will have to part ways in July, but that is also going to lead to another exciting living adventure with Amber and Corey. We're trying to find a house now, which is such a pain in the butt. I just want a nice, affordable house! But we will figure it out.

I really can't wait for the weather to get nice. My patio furniture has been calling our names and I want to grill and hang out and just enjoy the nice weather!

Oh yeah, my Wilton classes are going really well. It's fun to learn stuff there and then see how it's tweaked/done differently at the bakery. It's a fun way to learn things. And I think it's helping me a lot with my decorating. So yay!

Alright, I'm feeling really icky so time to sign off. Maybe I'll update again before two months have gone by. (Probably not.)

“If you want something you’ve never had, you must be willing to do something you’ve never done.”

Hello again, friends. It sure has been a while. I'm not sure where to start so let's just dive right in.

It's been what, like 2 months since I last posted? So many things have changed since then. Thanksgiving at home was lovely. My house in Greensboro looked really pretty with the Christmas decorations up. I spent many nights in December hanging out with some lovely amazing people eating Mexican food and watching movies.

I finally decided at the very end of November that it was time to end the failed experiment that was living in Greensboro and get out of a situation that was making my depression a million times worse. I know I'm happy in Tuscaloosa and the chances of getting a job would be way better. I tried so hard to find something in Greensboro and it just didn't happen. So I found an amazing house on craigslist with some amazing roommates and made the move. I spent the first two weeks of December packing everything up, while also driving back and forth to Tuscaloosa every day during that second week to help out at the CBH office. That actually worked out well because I got to bring some of my stuff up and move it in during that week. Then, God bless him, Kevin helped me move aaaaaaall of my stuff in one day. I picked him up, picked up the Uhaul, we loaded everything up, drove it up to Tuscaloosa and unloaded it. LONG DAY. And basically I owe him everything ever. I am so so blessed to have amazing people in my life. Amber helped us move in the last couple big things, which was good, because I couldn't bring myself to carry the couch down the ramp as the truck was parked on a hill.

So anywho. Drove back to Florida the next day and had a great time at home for Christmas. It was nice to have the weight and stress of living in Greensboro off my shoulders. I finally got the courage to leave a place that just wasn't what I was expecting it to be. After Christmas I drove back to Tuscaloosa (technically, I actually live in Northport) so I drove back to Northport, dropped Tux off at the new house, then drove up to Birmingham to pick Heather up, then we went to Atlanta for New Year's Eve. Had a serious blasty blast. Then it was back to Bham, then on to Northport. I spent my first night here moving stuff from the basement into my room, then I cried a bit cause it's super overwhelming to move in with strangers you met on craigslist!

I spent the first few days moving everything where it should go and organizing. I own A LOT of stuff. I realize this every time I move, but I don't seem to be able to do anything about it. Oh well. It took a very long time to get everything organized but I think I'm nearly there.

The past few weeks have been spent going to the gym and job hunting. I'm fairly certain I have applied to over 100 jobs. It's really frustrating to not get calls back or to be way overqualified for everything you apply for. But I have been so much happier living here. It's amazing how different I feel.

So anyway. Now for the cool news. I got a job at Mary's Cakes and Pastries! It's part time, but it's amazing. I know I'm going to learn so much and the people that work there are amazing. Why am I working at a bakery? Because after all of my uncertainty and not knowing what I want and thinking maybe I want to go to grad school, no maybe I don't, a PhD sounds good, but what on earth would I do with it? Yeah, after all of that, I've realized that I really, really love to cook. And I'm really quite good at it. So eventually, maybe in August, maybe next year, who really knows when, I would like to go to culinary school. I can still sew and design and all of that, but I would love to go to culinary school to actually get trained. I have a nice plan for what to do with that training, but now isn't the time to share that. ;)

Since I got that job I've gotten a few other offers for full time employment but honestly, learning from Mary and seeing what it takes to run a bakery is worth so much more than whatever extra money I'd make working full time instead of part time. This past week was my first week and while it's utterly exhausting, I haven't been this happy in a long time.

I'm also taking the Wilton cake decorating classes at Michael's. It's been fun and it's cool to learn some of the tricks. My roommates are also pretty happy because it means the house is constantly full of delicious cake.

Speaking of my roommates, I got so incredibly lucky. They are both absolutely amazing and living with them is such a blast. We are all completely different people, and we have insane schedules, but we get along so very well. We had roommate bonding night last night and it was so much fun to just get to hang out. I've lived alone for so long I forgot how nice it can be to come home to people. Even if we don't see each other it's just nice to know they are here. Our lease ends in July, which suuuucks, but the next six months are going to be amazing.

Let's see, what else. Ah, the never-ending weight loss saga. Yes, friends, I'm at it again. This time I'm going to Curves every day. Yep, the old lady gym. But it's going well, and it's nice to have a focused work out. It's improved a lot since the last time I went to Curves and it really kicks my ass every day. I'm still eating healthy (honestly, I pretty much always have) but making sure I'm not eating too much of the healthy stuff. I'm going to try to see a nutritionist soon because I think my body hates me, so we will see if that makes any difference. Honestly, I just want to lose weight because I know it'll make me happier. I know no matter what weight I am I will always be ridiculously awkward and that really, there isn't anything I can't do now that I will suddenly be able to do when I lose weight (well perhaps running. Bleh.) but I want to (literally) get the weight off my shoulders. I want to be confident in who I am and I want my outside to match my inside (ugh cheesy). Also, I want to look rockin' for Annie's wedding. :)

So there's life. I miss my friends in Greensboro and volunteering with Horseshoe, but I can always go back to visit. That way I get to have the happy times in Greensboro, not the lonely, depressed times that seemed to be the majority there. I'm excited about the idea of culinary school and I honestly think it will make me very happy. But don't hold me to that; I'm prone to changing ideas every few days and I've tried to promise myself I won't go planning my life. I may have no idea where I'll be living or what I'll be doing in six months, but I intend to have an amazing time and try my best to just live for right now (cheeseball. seriously.) and see what happens.

"The Lord watches over you -- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night."

Hey friends. I'm sitting in the Philly airport with 3+ hours until my flight will hopefully take off so I figured it was life update time! I drove home Wednesday. Stopped in Tally to visit Roger on the way. Such a nice time, just wish I could have stayed longer. We went to this place called Mr. Roboto. Delicious food and really cool atmosphere. I texted Chris that he would love it and he was like yeah, been there, it's one of my favorite places. Ha! So that was cool. Got home without too much incident from Tux. I gave him some meds before we left. Poor thing walked into a wall, but he didn't make a horrifying mess of my car, so I'll call it a fair trade off.

I spent all day Thursday scanning pictures that we got from Nagymama's house. Literally all day. I took a break for about an hour to go buy groceries, but other than that I sat at the kitchen table and scanned. I used this AMAZING thing called a VuPoint Magic Wand. It made it SO much easier and so much more pleasant. And the scans were pretty good too. While I scanned photos I finally gave in and watched Duck Dynasty. I had heard a little about it and Kevin sent me the link to watch the first season so I finally gave in and watched it. LOVED IT. Seriously, they are adorable and hilarious and it was a nice distraction from scanning aaaaaall day. Got through 13 episodes. Haha.

Friday we flew out of Tampa up to Philly. George and Diane picked us up and we drove up to Passaic. Spent Friday and Saturday cleaning and getting stuff in order. Sunday was the memorial service for Nagymama. It was really nice and we packed out the church. It was amazing to see that many people there to celebrate her life. After the church we had a get together at her house. There were easily well over 100 people there. We ate, drank and reminisced on Nagymama and our memories of that house. It was so great to see all of the family in one place. Monday Mom and I got up at 4:30 in the morning to get Kathy to the airport. She had a hell of a time and spent 14 hours traveling trying to get back to Jax. Poor sister. But I'm SO glad she came up.

Let's see. Monday afternoon we went to see my great uncle who is in the hospital. OY. He was on the 5th floor of St. Mary's, which is exactly where Nagymama was. Definitely wasn't happy to have to go back to that place, but it was nice to see him and see that he was doing better. Hopefully he gets well enough and strong enough to get out of that place soon. After that we packed up and headed south to George's house. Spent the night talking and bonding. It was nice. I'm SO exhausted today though.

We came to the airport reeeeally early so George could have time to work on his house, which is looking great. We had a nice lunch and now we have about 3 hours til we take off. I'm going to hang out in Florida until after Thanksgiving because there's really no sense in going back to Alabama for like 5 days just to drive back down next week.

I have lots and lots of other updates for you guys but they aren't developed enough to share just yet. Some are great, some are stupid, and some are really exciting. So I promise once they're share-ready, you'll get fully updated. For now, thanks to everyone for being swell. Life has been a little rough and it really means a lot to have the friends and family that I do. So really, thank you all.

"There is hope in dreams, imagination, and in the courage of those who wish to make those dreams a reality."

Alright, blog. It's been a month and a half. I guess I should update you. Morale has improved since we last spoke. The whole crying a lot thing is under control, and I've actually made some really awesome friends here in Greensboro. Taking doggie back to the shelter was the right decision, but I still feel like a horrible person and that there must be something wrong with me that I don't want a dog. But I'm sure that will pass eventually. Leaving my job at the magazine was 100% the right thing to do and I haven't regretted it even for a second. I'm sad that things that I spent so much time and effort on won't even be attributed to me, but I will live and I will know that it is my work. I finally started sewing again. I'm working on Rachel's graduation dress. It feels nice to get back into it. I guess I'm not technically unemployed anymore because I am working as a substitute teacher. And by that I mean I've been called in once and I'm praying I get more call backs. It was good, though. I subbed for a 6th grade reading class and I discovered I really didn't hate it. So hopefully I can work enough to pay my rent each month. Cause you know, that's important. Most of my time has been spent on a massive road sign collage for Facebook HQ. When I have photos and a better explanation, I will share. For now know that I probably need a tetanus shot and dealing with old road signs is definitely a great workout. Speaking of which, still going to the gym regularly. And I feel horrible when I don't go, so that's a good sign, right? Also walked a 5K last week. Yup, walked it with a friend. And we are awesome. Won 2nd place in my age group. Does that tell you how few people our age did it? Ha. But it was really fun. That weekend was really when I started feeling less like an outsider and more like a part of the community. People are starting to remember who I am and I don't feel so awkward walking around town. It's nice. Got left in charge of Pie Lab one day. That was an adventure. They were closed so I really just had to make sure not to burn the place down. Ended up scorching my elbow on the oven. Oops. Let's see, what else. Tomorrow I'm decorating my house for Halloween. SO EXCITED. I'm going to cover the front in spider web. Oh, I spent this weekend in Tuscaloosa. It was so much fun. Got to see good friends, eat good food and hang out in one of my favorite towns. Good, good weekend. Next week I'll drive home to drive/fly up to New Jersey for Nagymama's memorial service. Oh, yeah, I didn't share that. A few weeks ago Nagymama passed away. It was really pretty sudden and I'm still not sure how to process it. I spent two weeks in New Jersey with my mom. I'm really glad I could be there and that we had a day or two of coherency so I could talk to Nagymama. She means so much to me and I really am incredibly blessed to have spent three summers living with her. I know sometimes it was hard but I learned so much and got some incredible experiences that a lot of people don't get with their grandparents. I miss her like crazy but I can't help but smile when I think of the incredible welcoming committee she had in heaven. Marika, Palco, Nagypapa, everyone. How amazing was that reunion? So I know they are all watching over me. I made a cake last weekend for some people in town from Boston and I had to smile knowing she would be proud of me for making such an awesome cake but she would have insisted I make my own whipped cream.

So there's life. This week should be busy, which is always good. I'll try to update more but let's be honest, it's not going to happen. Oh, one more update, I'm studying for the GRE. I'm looking into some PhD programs and maybe some masters. I don't really know what I want to do with my life, but I'm pretty sure more school should be in my future. So we will see how that pans out.

“My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.”

Let's be honest, this whole monthly posting thing is probably going to become the norm. Oops.

Oh well. Let's update you on my life. I've made a lot of mistakes. Some big, some little. But I'm realizing that there's no way to keep myself from messing up and as long as I learn something from each of them, it should all turn out okay, right?

So doggie went back to the shelter. I struggled with that decision for a very, very long time. He was the most wonderful, loving dog I could ask for, but I absolutely did not want him. He just wanted to give me love and attention and I just wanted to be left alone. I wasn't ready to commit to that much responsibility and unfortunately I didn't realize that until after the fact. I guess I really couldn't have known it without trying, but it was a huge mistake and one that still kind of hurts. I feel like a horrible person for taking him back, but I also donated everything that I had bought for him, including cage, leashes, toys, food, heartworm medicine, everything. So that makes me feel better and feel like he will have a good shot at getting adopted by a really awesome family.

I left my job at the magazine. It was no longer a good situation and it was time for me to take my leave. I'm still a little panicky about being jobless, but I also know that something better is waiting for me. I know for sure that leaving was not a mistake. Taking the job in the first place very well may have been, but it served its purpose at the time. I'm applying to be a substitute teacher in Hale County, so hopefully that will help me cover rent and whatnot.

Let's see, what else. I'm volunteering a lot, which is awesome. I volunteer with Project Horseshoe Farm, which is really cool. I'm tutoring middle schoolers in math, which is interesting since I haven't had math since senior year of high school. But it should be good. And they have a day program and that is really fun to work with. Everyone has really great stories.

I'm also working with HERO on some projects. Pam is amazing and I kind of want to be her when I grow up. She also has a background in fashion so that's a nice link. We have some cool stuff going and I'm going to work on some cool new stuff for Pie Lab. I'm excited to do that.

Hmm other than that.. well, I'm working on the weight loss thing again. I know I've restarted this way too many times to count but this time I can really devote myself to it. I've been going to the gym twice a day and eating a lot of fruits and veggies. The beauty of Greensboro is there are maybe 4 restaurants (if you really want to call them that), no bars and no temptation really to eat bad things. So I'm hoping it continues to go well and I finally get to be the brand new me when this year is up.

I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing after this year. And what I'm doing now, really. But I committed to a year off and I need to follow through on that. This year is about getting healthy and figuring out what I really truly want. After that, we will see. I'm going to look into grad school and see if that is where I belong. I have a funny feeling the answer is yes, because I don't see myself being satisfied with just a 4 year degree in fashion. I need to learn more and do more. So I'll keep you posted on that.

Other than that, I'm just trying to get to know people in town. There are a lot of people my age here for different things. It's strange to be the one that is here for no real specific reason, but I'm slowly meeting people. Everyone has been great so far, so that helps. I'll just keep on keeping on and see where the road leads.

So yeah. There's my life at the moment. Not too exciting, a little terrifying, but it is what it is.