“Damned infernal gizmo. My kingdom for a left-handed can opener.”

So I wrote this for the opinions column at like midnight sometime last week. I doubt it's going to be published, so I figured I'd post it here, just for fun. :)

The University of Alabama is playing an elaborate game of hide and seek on this campus. They have hidden a select number of left-handed desks in the corners, sides, and backs of only a few classrooms and expect the left-handed students to seek them out. When we fail to win this game, our punishment is contorting ourselves into a right-handed desk attempting to take notes without causing great pain in our shoulders and backs.

As you right-handed majority sit comfortably with your arm resting on the edge of the desk while you take notes, us southpaws get to shift our entire bodies to the side just to get our arms to the point where we can scrawl legibly. If you've ever seen how most lefties write, it's already arthritis waiting to happen. Combine this with the inability to rest your arm while writing for hours on end and you have the right mix for back and shoulder problems.

I understand that only about ten percent of the world's population is left-handed, which is probably why less than ten percent of the desks on campus are oriented in our favor. The problem, though, is that when we need them, they aren't there.

I'm pretty sure the maintenance team is in cahoots with the bigwigs on campus to keep the southpaws guessing. On Thursday, my class had one left-handed desk. Obviously, I had claimed it on the first day. But today I came in and suddenly another lefty desk had appeared right behind the original one. I know there was not another left-handed desk in there, so where did it come from? Is there a secret stash of them and when the University sees that there are multiple lefties they plant more desks? While I admire the idea of lefty spies shifting the small number of desks around campus, I find it highly unlikely.

What is likely is that as we continue to increase the enrollment on campus, we will also continue to increase the amount of pain inflicted on left-handed students. In large lecture halls, all of the desks on the left side of the room are left-oriented. They have to be; there's room for tables to come off that end of the row. The problem though, is this removes us from the part of the room where we are most likely to pay attention, or to get involved. Even when the desks are freestanding, they are placed in parts of the classroom where the latecomers and slackers tend to sit. So rather than allow me to play an active role in class, I'm shivering in the back corner under an air vent, stuck next to the girl who won't stop texting and popping her gum.

It's a true dilemma, folks. The University has made it clear my well-being and my ability to take notes without causing myself physical pain are not on the top of their priority list. And the shooting pain in my side every time I spend two hours taking notes has made it clear that something has to change. As Mr. Burns of The Simpsons fame once said, “Damned infernal gizmo. My kingdom for a left-handed can opener.” Well, my kingdom for a left-handed desk in a prime location.