Yesterday I gave an apple to a homeless man and honestly, it wrecked me.

I was hurrying from work to try to get to Lifeway before I had to be at my shift at Nehemiah's, when I stopped at the red light at 459 & McFarland. I had my windows down, but as I approached the intersection, I noticed a homeless man, so I rolled it up. But when I saw his sign, which simply said "HOMELESS HUNGRY", I realized I still had an apple in my lunch bag. So I rolled my window down and gave it to him. He thanked me, then turned around, rubbed it on his dirty sleeve, and squatted down to start eating it.

The sheer gratitude on his face, for such a simple act, wrecked me. I was overwhelmed by my emotions, by the fact that such a simple act could mean so much to someone, that I was shaking and I couldn't breathe. I have a very "New York" knee-jerk reaction to the homeless, or anyone trying to hand me a flyer for a "free comedy show". Eyes forward, no interaction, ignore their requests. It was sort of drilled into me in my time in the city, and as a young female, society has forced me to be cautious about strangers I interact with. So when I am asked for money, I say no. Even the poor directv guys at Sam's Club have felt the weight of my non-acknowledging cold shoulder. I don't want your flyers, or your tv service, and I'm not going to give you money.

But yesterday I was overwhelmed by the fact that maybe it's time to open up. It's time to stop dehumanizing others. There are going to be people who take advantage of your charity. There are going to be people in this world who are actually trying to harm you. And there are going to be some truly terrible comedy shows. But using a few bad experiences to entirely write off a group of people? To refrain from giving to someone who is truly in need because I don't approve of how they are going to use my gift? That's unacceptable. Maybe the guy on the corner is going to use my money for beer. Maybe his wife isn't ill, maybe he has food at home, maybe his car didn't really break down.

But what if she is? What if he doesn't? What if it did? If I were in that situation, if I were so lost, so broken, so helpless, that I had to stand on the side of the road with a cardboard sign, I would want help. I would want prayer. And I would want that skeptical girl to give me a chance, roll down the window, and give me an apple.

I think the thing that wrecked me the most about my encounter yesterday was the sheer gravity of it all; I can't help everyone. There are so many people in need in this world, and even just in our own city, and I can't help them all. There's very little I can do for any of them, really. And I look at my own life, and the opportunities I've been afforded, and the chances people have taken on me, and I have to do SOMETHING. I don't know what, I don't know how, but I pray that God won't let me easily forget how I felt yesterday. That He will use this yearning in me to make a difference and to reach out to the lost and the broken. I pray for the courage to use the gifts He's given me to brighten their worlds. Jesus came to be a light to this world, to heal the brokenness. As a Christian, I'm called to share his light with the world. And I just pray He gives me the guts to do it.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Tonight is the first night I was made to feel unsafe in my own home. And I'm angry, and unsettled, and the only way I can work through it is to write. So here we are.

Someone shined a red laser through my front windows tonight. They tracked me and Rebecca in my house with it, and when I got down on the floor they shined it through the other front window on me. It was terrifying, because I had no idea what it was or who was doing it. I moved to the back of the house, but when I came back up front they started again. I called the police, who said if it happened again they would start knocking on doors waking people up to figure out who did it.

It's very possible it was just one of the neighbor kids messing around with a toy laser. It's possible someone was just trying to be funny. But it's not okay that I had to feel that fear. That I had to feel powerless in my own home.

I'm going to do what I need to do to feel safe here; different locks, heavier curtains so people can't see in so easily, etc. But the realization of how easy it is for someone to hurt me has shaken me a good bit tonight.

There are several things about this neighborhood that are different from places I've lived in the past. For the most part, I'm surrounded by low income families. Mostly single parents, with a lot of kids that have less supervision than they should. But until tonight, I've felt welcome. And I've felt safe. I've made an effort to meet my neighbors, to let them know who I am, and that all I want to do is get to know them and love on them. And this incident reinforces my desire to really get to know them. So I know when there are people around who shouldn't be. So I know who to feel comfortable around.

Maybe I overreacted. Maybe I should have just ripped the front door open and started yelling. But I was scared. Really scared. How do I know someone isn't outside my home that wants to harm me?

I don't know what I'm really supposed to take away from this evening. I've been outside since, and I really do generally feel safe here. I like my neighbors, and I feel like God can use me in this place. As I laid on the floor waiting for the cops to show up, I prayed with my mom on the phone. For God's protection, for the removal of evil from around this house. And really, that's the thing that's keeping me here and keeping me sane tonight. I'm not going to let someone scare me out of my own home. I'm not going to let someone scare me away from sharing God's love with the people around me. This is my home now, too. And I deserve to feel safe and loved and protected.

When did I get so bad at being alone?

First, learn how to make yourself happy.

Not too long ago, I wrote on Fat Gal Fitness about finally loving my body and everything it can do. That was a huge step for me. I've always hated it and felt like it betrayed me, so to finally love it for exactly what it is was like becoming a whole new person.

Loving my body means when I get dressed, I like what I see. I like the way my clothes fit, I like how much I can lift, and really and truly, if I never lost another pound it would be okay. I love my body, whatever weight it may be.

Well, this weekend, something really interesting happened. I started to love the person I am. Not just my body, not what it can do, but me. My personality, my traits, my habits, my interests, all of these things that make me uniquely me. I've had to accept that I don't have a green thumb, I love nature, but not quite as much as I sometimes wish I did, I love dogs but I can't handle the responsibility right now, and while my degree is in fashion design, I don't intend to use it at all right now. For a long time, or pretty much for always, all of those things bothered me. I talk too much, I share too much, I have anxiety about really stupid things. But without those habits, I wouldn't be who I am. And who I am, right now, right at this moment, is pretty damn awesome. For the first time in my life, I genuinely feel like I have something to offer. Yeah, I talk too much, but it allows me to meet people I may have never had the courage to talk to in the past. I overshare, but that also means that I don't have secrets to try to keep up with. I'm not gung-ho to trek out into the middle of the woods to camp and dig a toilet, but I love the chance to get out into nature for the day and truly enjoy God's creation.

What I'm getting at is that even though I'm not the person I expected myself to be, I'm exactly the person I'm supposed to be. I'm awkward, hilarious, ridiculous and I love the people in my life to a seriously fierce degree. I collect interests like they are going out of style, but that means I can learn something from everyone I encounter.

Obviously, if you know me, you know my love life....haha well, it doesn't exist. And honestly, I never thought I had anything to offer. I could hide behind saying boys didn't like me but really, I didn't like myself. What on earth does a fat, awkward sad sack have to offer someone? But I'm quickly realizing that the person I am right now is really freaking awesome. She's learning to love who she is, flaws and all. And I'm not worth loving just because I'm losing weight. I'm worth it because my heart and soul are finally parts of me I'm proud of. I'm not afraid to put myself out there and be stupid and loud and get intensely passionate about stuff. Sometimes I'll be wrong, and sometimes I'll fail, but as long as I keep loving who I am and who I'm becoming, everything will be okay.

So half of you are like duh, Theresa. Stop being so stupid. But every step I take towards confidence and love is a step away from all of the crap that has held me down for years. And I don't plan to ever look back.

Do you remember when you were young and you wanted to set the world on fire?

I've been listening to Against Me! since middle school. My brother's friend Brian was living with us at the time and I thought he and Chris were the coolest people on the planet. My brother has always sort of been my idol; he's cool and kind and a kick ass drummer and he seems to just rock life. They listened to a lot of stuff that was a little too intense for me, but Against Me! just got me. Tom Gabel was angry and yell-y, but the music cut right through all of my teenage angst. When Brian was living with us, they would listen to Against Me! all the time and I would join them, desperate to fit in and to listen to this band that made me feel SO cool when everything else about me was SO awkward.

My love for them has never really left. Against Me! is my angry driving music, it's good workout music, it's the kind of thing I can yell along to and forget any crap trying to bring me down. Long and short, I've loved this band for a really long time. I've never gone to a show because their pits are a little TOO intense for me. And by a little, I mean a lot. BUT they are playing at Workplay tonight, which has a lovely balcony area for me to not be in with all the moshing punching kids.

So why does this matter? Well, you see, I have confidence issues. Shocker, right? Anyway. Part of this whole lifestyle change yada yada has been increasing my confidence and realizing that no one is judging me as harshly as I'm judging myself. When I went to the Frank Turner show, I actually had to circle the venue twice before I parked because I was so afraid all these punk kids would look at me and be like, she doesn't belong here. I KNOW how ridiculous that is. Trust me. But it's rooted very deep inside me and it's going to take a long time to resolve. So while the thought of the show tonight excites me a great deal, I also have this nagging terror that I'm going to show up in my little sweater and boots and get mocked by the punk kids.

But it's time to let that go. I'm not some fairweather fan, I'm not someone who has never heard of them. I don't have to wear all black, have a ripped up leather jacket, or hair that looks like I haven't washed it in days. Against Me! has been a part of my life for a long time. But even if they hadn't, so what? So what if I was just some girl who thought hey, cheap concert, I think I'll go? No one is going to judge me, or ask me why I'm qualified to come to a punk show. And I need to carry that through other aspects of my life; no one is going to think hey, that girl doesn't belong in the gym. She shouldn't be wearing those pants. What is she thinking trying to ski (more on that later)? We assume the entire world is out to tell us just how much we suck and how unworthy we are of all the things in our life. But they really, really aren't. They're trying to enjoy the show, lift the weights, and make it down the ski slope exactly the same way we are.

We can only hope to do a little better than our parents did. To be a little happier, less cynical. To resent our partners a little less, love our occupations a little more. Figure out a decent work-life balance, follow our hearts wherever they may go. Don't get us wrong; we owe who we are, for better or for worse, to our parents. But we don't want to be them. We may want to emulate some attributes, like kindness to strangers and a willingness to give and give, then give some more. We want to laugh like they do, age gracefully like they have, and appreciate the spirit of nature and everything the woods can teach us.

But we hope to do better. Respect the earth a little more, realize the impact our purchases and decisions make on the world. We want to make a difference; we want to destroy the corrupt politics in favor of an honest, open system. We may not succeed, but we can hope. Just like they hoped when they were our age. For no more wars and bringing our brothers sisters mothers fathers home. For news headlines that don't always start with a count of people killed and wounded.

We hope to leave different impressions on our children. To realize the impact our words and actions have on them. The lasting damage remarks about weight will leave. The unhealthy relationships created by cutting remarks about looks, food, diets. We want to show our children they can do anything, be anything. Being fat isn't the worst thing they could be; and it also isn't something they have to be. We want to teach our children that food is fuel. It is important, but so is exercise. So is loving the outdoors and running around until you collapse in giddy exhaustion.

We want more. We can never repay our parents for everything they have done for us. They have shaped and transformed our worlds. They have created these crazy free thinkers, no longer afraid of what the world will think of them. Our generation is a product of their generation; had they not done what they did, we would not stand where we are today.

So we thank them, we respect them, and we learn from them. To one day show our utmost gratitude by building on, improving, revolutionizing everything they've done.

I wrote a post on Fat Gal Fitness that I want to share with y'all, but I felt like it needed some clarifying. It's a little doomy gloomy, which is not really where I intended to end up when I started it. But nonetheless, that's what came out. It talks about dealing with some past issues that have been resurfacing as of late, but they really are coming up as part of a broader experience I've been having. I think you all know the....erm, untraditional path I've taken to get to where I am today. Degree in fashion design, said no thanks to a job in NYC, lived in hell, worked for the devil, substitute teacher, bakery assistant, to now working at a gym. And while I'm actually really happy with where I am in my life right now, I had the pleasure of a full on breakdown yesterday. It was a little bit of everything;  the old demons, as described in the FGF post, uncertainty about some future plans, and a lot of self doubt that I don't really realize I was carrying around. I've discovered that I'm pretty afraid of failure. Not just the I don't like it way (no one LIKES to fail) but I think I'm so afraid of messing up and people judging me for it that I just don't try things I might have a chance of failing at. I don't think that is a large part of why I'm not in New York, but I think it's at least partially. I want to be an expert at the things I do; I always got frustrated in school if I didn't get new concepts immediately. But when you've graduated school, you have fifty million different interests, you really need to be okay with messing up. All I really know about my life right now is that I like working out, I like eating healthy, I like fashion, and I like helping people. That's it. How do I want to use that? Beats the hell out of me. But I need to be confident in the things I really love doing and go after them, regardless of the chance of failure.

So I guess there's really no moral to this story. It's mostly just my confession that I'm dealing with a lot of mental blocks right now that are trying to derail me and I'm really doing my best to break through them. They've spilled over into a lot of different areas of my life. And this post: http://fatgalfitness.tumblr.com/post/69502054649/ive-been-having-a-hard-time-putting-what-i-want tries to put into words what it's like to try to figure it all out in the context of getting healthy. So if you're daring, head on over. It's not earth shattering stuff; I just felt like I needed some explanation. Overall, I'm really happy with where I am in life today. I like my job, I love my friends, I really am happy. But this whole journey is about honesty, so you have to share the struggles along with the successes.