Not too long ago, I wrote on Fat Gal Fitness about finally loving my body and everything it can do. That was a huge step for me. I've always hated it and felt like it betrayed me, so to finally love it for exactly what it is was like becoming a whole new person.
Loving my body means when I get dressed, I like what I see. I like the way my clothes fit, I like how much I can lift, and really and truly, if I never lost another pound it would be okay. I love my body, whatever weight it may be.
Well, this weekend, something really interesting happened. I started to love the person I am. Not just my body, not what it can do, but me. My personality, my traits, my habits, my interests, all of these things that make me uniquely me. I've had to accept that I don't have a green thumb, I love nature, but not quite as much as I sometimes wish I did, I love dogs but I can't handle the responsibility right now, and while my degree is in fashion design, I don't intend to use it at all right now. For a long time, or pretty much for always, all of those things bothered me. I talk too much, I share too much, I have anxiety about really stupid things. But without those habits, I wouldn't be who I am. And who I am, right now, right at this moment, is pretty damn awesome. For the first time in my life, I genuinely feel like I have something to offer. Yeah, I talk too much, but it allows me to meet people I may have never had the courage to talk to in the past. I overshare, but that also means that I don't have secrets to try to keep up with. I'm not gung-ho to trek out into the middle of the woods to camp and dig a toilet, but I love the chance to get out into nature for the day and truly enjoy God's creation.
What I'm getting at is that even though I'm not the person I expected myself to be, I'm exactly the person I'm supposed to be. I'm awkward, hilarious, ridiculous and I love the people in my life to a seriously fierce degree. I collect interests like they are going out of style, but that means I can learn something from everyone I encounter.
Obviously, if you know me, you know my love life....haha well, it doesn't exist. And honestly, I never thought I had anything to offer. I could hide behind saying boys didn't like me but really, I didn't like myself. What on earth does a fat, awkward sad sack have to offer someone? But I'm quickly realizing that the person I am right now is really freaking awesome. She's learning to love who she is, flaws and all. And I'm not worth loving just because I'm losing weight. I'm worth it because my heart and soul are finally parts of me I'm proud of. I'm not afraid to put myself out there and be stupid and loud and get intensely passionate about stuff. Sometimes I'll be wrong, and sometimes I'll fail, but as long as I keep loving who I am and who I'm becoming, everything will be okay.
So half of you are like duh, Theresa. Stop being so stupid. But every step I take towards confidence and love is a step away from all of the crap that has held me down for years. And I don't plan to ever look back.
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