We can only hope to do a little better than our parents did. To be a little happier, less cynical. To resent our partners a little less, love our occupations a little more. Figure out a decent work-life balance, follow our hearts wherever they may go. Don't get us wrong; we owe who we are, for better or for worse, to our parents. But we don't want to be them. We may want to emulate some attributes, like kindness to strangers and a willingness to give and give, then give some more. We want to laugh like they do, age gracefully like they have, and appreciate the spirit of nature and everything the woods can teach us.

But we hope to do better. Respect the earth a little more, realize the impact our purchases and decisions make on the world. We want to make a difference; we want to destroy the corrupt politics in favor of an honest, open system. We may not succeed, but we can hope. Just like they hoped when they were our age. For no more wars and bringing our brothers sisters mothers fathers home. For news headlines that don't always start with a count of people killed and wounded.

We hope to leave different impressions on our children. To realize the impact our words and actions have on them. The lasting damage remarks about weight will leave. The unhealthy relationships created by cutting remarks about looks, food, diets. We want to show our children they can do anything, be anything. Being fat isn't the worst thing they could be; and it also isn't something they have to be. We want to teach our children that food is fuel. It is important, but so is exercise. So is loving the outdoors and running around until you collapse in giddy exhaustion.

We want more. We can never repay our parents for everything they have done for us. They have shaped and transformed our worlds. They have created these crazy free thinkers, no longer afraid of what the world will think of them. Our generation is a product of their generation; had they not done what they did, we would not stand where we are today.

So we thank them, we respect them, and we learn from them. To one day show our utmost gratitude by building on, improving, revolutionizing everything they've done.

I wrote a post on Fat Gal Fitness that I want to share with y'all, but I felt like it needed some clarifying. It's a little doomy gloomy, which is not really where I intended to end up when I started it. But nonetheless, that's what came out. It talks about dealing with some past issues that have been resurfacing as of late, but they really are coming up as part of a broader experience I've been having. I think you all know the....erm, untraditional path I've taken to get to where I am today. Degree in fashion design, said no thanks to a job in NYC, lived in hell, worked for the devil, substitute teacher, bakery assistant, to now working at a gym. And while I'm actually really happy with where I am in my life right now, I had the pleasure of a full on breakdown yesterday. It was a little bit of everything;  the old demons, as described in the FGF post, uncertainty about some future plans, and a lot of self doubt that I don't really realize I was carrying around. I've discovered that I'm pretty afraid of failure. Not just the I don't like it way (no one LIKES to fail) but I think I'm so afraid of messing up and people judging me for it that I just don't try things I might have a chance of failing at. I don't think that is a large part of why I'm not in New York, but I think it's at least partially. I want to be an expert at the things I do; I always got frustrated in school if I didn't get new concepts immediately. But when you've graduated school, you have fifty million different interests, you really need to be okay with messing up. All I really know about my life right now is that I like working out, I like eating healthy, I like fashion, and I like helping people. That's it. How do I want to use that? Beats the hell out of me. But I need to be confident in the things I really love doing and go after them, regardless of the chance of failure.

So I guess there's really no moral to this story. It's mostly just my confession that I'm dealing with a lot of mental blocks right now that are trying to derail me and I'm really doing my best to break through them. They've spilled over into a lot of different areas of my life. And this post: http://fatgalfitness.tumblr.com/post/69502054649/ive-been-having-a-hard-time-putting-what-i-want tries to put into words what it's like to try to figure it all out in the context of getting healthy. So if you're daring, head on over. It's not earth shattering stuff; I just felt like I needed some explanation. Overall, I'm really happy with where I am in life today. I like my job, I love my friends, I really am happy. But this whole journey is about honesty, so you have to share the struggles along with the successes.

It's been almost a year since I've been back to Florida. I think last Christmas was the last time I was there. Yeah, I remember. December 15th I left Greensboro FO EVA, moved my stuff to Tuscaloosa (bless Kevin for all of his help with that) and then drove myself and Tux to Spring Hill for a few weeks at home.

Hoo ha, those were a rough few weeks. I was ridiculously depressed, had no idea what I was doing with my life, I was unemployed (unless you count my substitute teaching stint...) and probably in one of the worst places I've been in my life. I think I spent that time at home driving my parents insane and trying to concoct these grand life plans based on nothing.

A lot has changed in a year.

Today, I head home happier than I've been in a long time. I'm on my second job since moving back to Tuscaloosa, but I've loved both of them. I'm over 50 pounds lighter than I was in June, and probably 70+ pounds down from last year. I'm healthier than I've ever been, with goals that line up with the sort of life I want to live. I'm finally working on using my degree (more on that later) and not trying to make up these overwhelming schemes for my life. I'm living it for myself, for right now.

Tomorrow, I will run my first official 5K with Chris and Kathy. The Turkey Trot. The race that has beaten up my brain for the past few years. Not only that, I'm already registered for another 5k in February. I'm training with Sam twice a week, going to Hannah's fitness classes twice a week and running on the weekends. I'm eating 1700 calories a day, which I never imagined would be such a challenging feat. I'm paying attention to what I'm putting in my body and what I'm doing to it. For the first time in a long time, it matters.

I matter. I finally feel like I have some value. A year ago, it really didn't matter if I existed or not. I didn't think I was doing anything of meaning. Now, I know I'm not doing anything of real importance, but I'm living a life that is worth my time. I have really great friends, I get to do the things I want to do and I'm not overly concerned with proving myself to anyone else. God has blessed me in so many ways and it's amazing to see how He has used that year and a half of hell after graduation to transform who I am today.

It's still going to be weird running into people from high school. I don't talk to most of them anymore, and I'm really not at all the same person I was in 2008. And trying to explain to anyone how I ended up with a degree in fashion design, declined a job in NYC and ended up working at a gym in Alabama is confusing even if you've known me for all of that time. But I have to remember that there's no shame in getting lost; it's the getting lost that got me here today. Sure, I could be in New York right now if I wanted to be. But I could also be absolutely miserable. Instead, I'm in a place I like, with people I love, working on getting to where I someday hope to be.

To love God and love people to Jesus

There are a lot of people who subscribe to the notion that "you don't have to go to church every Sunday to be a good Christian." And they are absolutely right. You can cultivate your relationship with Jesus Christ totally on your own, and even share His love with others without ever setting foot inside of a church. But people who feel that way are missing out on SO much that they don't even realize.

 

I used to use that saying all the time. In college, I went to the Well fairly regularly, but I hardly ever went to church on Sundays. And even when I went to the Well, I wasn't growing. I was going for an hour and a half, listening to some loud Jesus music and an amazing speaker, then going home and letting it end there. I wasn't sharing what I was learning with others, or gaining new perspectives from other Christians. I was punching my Christian punch card and leaving it at the door.

 

I understand this idea that churches can be narrow-minded, off-putting places. I really do. There are certain beliefs in my own church that I don't necessarily agree with. But that's the beauty of it; I don't have to agree. I can go to church, learn about the way others believe and why. I can share my experiences with them, where my beliefs stem from, and we can learn from one another and grow. You are going to run into narrow-minded, off-putting people all over the place, so why would that stop you from going to church? If you go to one that doesn't welcome you, don't go back. Church is meant to be a loving place where we (as FLBC puts it) love God and love people to Jesus.

 

So like I said, you can be a Christian without going to church. You can even be a "good" Christian (whatever that means). But I think we are meant to gather together to celebrate Christ. We grow so much more than we realize when we surround ourselves with like-minded people. When we have other people who care about our walk, who are there to pray for us, to lift us up, we create this powerful community of believers that work together like a family. God is going to sustain you, but give Him the chance to work through others to do so. When He gets the opportunity to connect us, big things happen. God can move in so many more ways when we give Him the chance.

Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

I'm sorry I've neglected this blog since I started Fat Gal Fitness. This blog was more about my personal life and since my personal life has sort of turned into everything I post on Fat Gal Fitness, it didn't seem necessary to update this one as well. But I figured it was time the ol' blogspot got some love.

As the world knows, October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. And as you know, if you know me or have read this blog, I lost my aunt Marika to breast cancer on December 1, 2011.

Marika was an amazing person. She had the strongest faith of anyone I know, continually praising God in every trial she faced. She was an amazing mother to the three children she left behind, who have grown into unbelievably wonderful adults. Her relationship with my mom is the kind of relationship I strive to have with my brother and sister. No matter what, they were there for one another, always there to make every person around them snort with laughter. They were truly Lucy and Ethel. She was my second mom, loving me and encouraging me in every step I took in life. I am incredibly blessed to have had such a close relationship with her.

Having Marika in my life shaped the person I am today in so many ways, some of which I'm sure I haven't even realized yet. I trust God and praise Him even in my darkest hours because she showed me how. She battled cancer for ten years but I cannot tell you that I ever saw her lose her hope, or the inextinguishable joy she found in her love for Jesus Christ. I work hard at everything I do because of the example she set. When she got too sick to go to work, she started making breast cancer awareness bracelets at home, donating the proceeds to her local cancer center, the very one that helped her. That's just the kind of person Marika was; she was totally, utterly selfless. She brought joy to every person she encountered, regardless of what state she might be in. At one of the doctor's appointments I took her to, she spent her time not questioning why this happened to her, what this all means, but asking the doctor about his children, making sure they were still doing well in school.

Not a single day goes by that I don't miss Marika. I still get totally overwhelmed by the fact that she isn't here anymore. Each year that goes by doesn't make it any easier, knowing I'll see her in Heaven someday doesn't make the fact that I can't see her now hurt any less. I just hope that I can live a life that honors her and everything she did for me. She gave me hope, she gave me an example of what a true woman of God is. She showed me that our circumstances don't define us, and our true character can shine in our darkest days.

This year, for breast cancer awareness month, I plan to do my best to honor the life Marika lived and show my support for every person going through this. I also plan to have a little fun with it, because that's what Marika did. She could be feeling totally ill but that didn't stop her from having a dance party with me in the kitchen. I have been making breast cancer awareness bracelets like the ones Marika used to make. If you are interested in buying one, please let me know. I will also be putting a non permanent pink streak in my hair. We used to tease her that we were going to buy her a hot pink or purple wig to wear. And it will be non permanent because come Springtime, I will be cutting and donating my hair to the Pantene Beautiful Lengths program, which provides wigs to women going through treatment for cancer of any kind. I am also in talks with a friend to participate in a breast cancer walk here in town.

How will you honor those who have been affected by cancer? We have to choose to be proactive; I could let my grief swallow me up or I could live proudly, embracing the time God has given me on this earth. The greatest disservice I could do to Marika's memory is to waste my days wallowing and questioning God's wisdom. Marika always said she wasn't a breast cancer survivor, she was a conqueror. So in her honor, that is what I plan to be.

"Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

So everything I talked about last time I posted? Still going well. FLBC is such an awesome church home. I've made some really, really awesome friends and grown a lot in my relationship with God.

The weight loss saga...is still chugging along! I've lost 35 pounds since June. How crazy is that? I feel amazing. I go to the gym basically every day, or at the very least work out every day. I also have a new blog dedicated to the journey -- fatgalfitness.tumblr.com. Go follow it!

Life is good. I had more to say but y'all, I'm tired. So until next time.

Psalm 118:29 "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever."

Geez I'm bad at this updating thing. Oh well. I have about 20 minutes before I have to leave for work so I figured I'd do a quick update. Last time I posted was the day I got saved. Man, how am I going to top that post? Guess I can't, so I won't even try. I got baptized last month though, so that's pretty awesome. It's amazing how in such a short time God cut through to my heart and brought me into his family while giving me enough confidence to share that with so many people. I found out the day before I got baptized that a good friend of mine had been praying for me for a while to come to Jesus and make that decision. How awesome is that? I'm still working on my prayer life, but how cool is it to know other people are praying for you and asking God to work in your life? That made me cry (cause I'm a sap, and it's awesome) and made me so happy to know I've surrounded myself with such amazing people.

Let's see, what else...oh, we moved into the new house last week! Well, I guess almost two weeks ago now. Wow, that's weird. It's pretty awesome. It's just the right size for us and it's not trying to fall apart like the terrible Allied death trap was. We have a nice size backyard with a fire pit, treehouse and creek, which is totally awesome. Amber and I have our bedrooms upstairs and we share a bathroom and Corey has his own room and bathroom downstairs. We also have a craft room and an obscene amount of attic storage space. It's really, really good. :)

Work is still good. We have kids camp all summer, which is quite an exhausting experience, but really fun to teach kids about the bakery. I'm still struggling with the what am I doing with my life question but at least for now I have a good job and a place to live so maybe I can calm myself down for a bit. (Probably not.)

Remember how every few months I post about trying to lose weight? Haha yeah...here it goes again. But this time really, genuinely, is different. My life is in a pretty positive place and I'm not just making temporary changes. I've been going to the Faucett Brothers Center regularly for...almost five months? Maybe four. I don't know. Anyway. I go to a Dance Fusion class twice a week and water aerobics once a week (don't laugh, it's awesome) and then I have a personal trainer twice a week. And then he gives me "homework" for the days I'm not there. It's really awesome and I'm kind of becoming one of those crazy people who gets antsy when they don't work out. It's weird, right? I've also been using MyFitnessPal to track my calories, which has been a huge help. It's mostly about making better choices and not eating cookies and junk from work. Don't get me wrong, we make AMAZING stuff at the bakery, but when you pop a cookie here, steal a bite there, it definitely adds up. So even though we have free lunch at work, I've taken to packing my own lunch and bringing snacks so I'm not tempted by the yummy, yummy cookies. I think it's been going really well. I've lost some weight, gone down a size or two and I just in general feel better. I know it's going to take a LONG time for me to get to this idealistic "goal weight" but for now I'm just enjoying the progress. Which I think is why this time is different. Sure, I'm impatient and I'd love to be a size 8 like, now, but the little things, like my shorts literally falling off because they are too big, have been quite entertaining. My trainer and fitness class instructor are really ridiculously awesome and have been amazing at keeping me motivated. It's going to be a long journey, but I finally feel like it's moving in the right direction.

It's really amazing to look back at where I was a year ago versus where I am today. I'm still utterly lost on the what am I doing with my life question, but I'm happy. I have strong faith to stand on and an amazing group of people to surround myself with. I feel so blessed that God has led me to this point. I know that Greensboro was a terrible decision, and maybe not moving to New York was a bad idea, but overall God has used all of those decisions to strengthen who I am. I genuinely believe I was meant to end up here and I really can't wait to see how He plans to use my life to further his kingdom.